Dear Husband

I have never known anyone like you. From the moment I met you, and the night we talked at the Halloween party, I knew you were something really special. I felt a connection to you that I’ve never felt with anyone before.

In the early stages of our friendship I would look across the room and catch your eye (we were always glancing at each other!) and my heart would just pound. You are the handsomest man I know, and oh so sexy. Watching you with your kids, I discovered what the definition of a great daddy of our generation really is. They were so little, and you are so patient and affectionate with them. It captivates me that you can have a lot of fun with the kids, while also having loving expectations that will help them grow into kind, respectful adults who care about others.

I cannot say in words how much I admire the kindness I see in you. You have so much love to give, and you do so freely, every day of your life, to anyone and everyone you come across. You rarely have a negative thing to say about anyone, even when they have wronged you. You are generous with your affection, your time, your talents, your money, your muscles to do hard work. I don’t think I will ever be able to express to you how much I truly, deeply, genuinely appreciate all that you do for me. You take care of me in ways I wouldn’t have even thought to ask!

Now we are coming up on our first wedding anniversary…I can’t even believe it’s been a whole year already! What a ride! It’s gone by so fast. You have held my hand through every up and down as I’ve adjusted to being your kids’ stepmom. You have high-fived me at the victories, and caught my tears at the yucky stuff. I know it is not easy for you, to be in the middle the way you are, and to try and please everyone and show how much you love us all. In some ways I think you have it the hardest of anyone, because you feel all of our pain cumulatively, and yet there is often not much you can do to fix it. I know that you would give everything you had including your own life to make everything better for all of us, when we have pain. Knowing that you care, that you want to fix it even when you can’t, DOES make it better, I promise.

I want to thank you for supporting me in my role as stepmom, and for giving our relationship priority. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around this at first, and I know it might still seem awful to other people, but you were right when you said that I should be first in your priorities. It is because of your wisdom in this that you and I are able to show your kids what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. It is because of your wisdom in this that your children respect me and my role, and that we are parenting them well together. It is because of your wisdom in this, and your ability to put the words in action, that you and I are building a marriage that will never become just another divorce in your kids’ lives.

I know it is hard for you to watch when things are hard for me, as it is hard for me to watch when they are difficult for you. I appreciate that you care so much, and I want you to know that the difficult times we have been through in the last year do not in any way take away my love for you, and I have NO regrets. In fact the challenges we face together only increase my love for you. You are my rock. We are a team. You are the one person in my entire life that I truly want to be near 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As you know I am an introvert, I have always needed a lot of downtime and “alone” time…but with you, it’s different. I always want to be by your side, and I always will be. That will never change, no matter what happens in our lives. I love you so deeply sometimes I can hardly believe it is possible to love another person so much.

I know you are not perfect, you have your faults just like anybody else does (please learn to close the cabinet doors :-) ), but I do believe that God created you to be the perfect match for me. It couldn’t be any better. I look forward to another 60-something years just being next to you.

Happy Anniversary Sweet B!

Dear Someday-To-Be Ex-Wife

I saw you at the grocery store with my stepdaughter yesterday and I had an immediate physical reaction to throw up. There I am with her stepsister and her half sister and the girls want to talk and there you are, ushering her past us even though she hasn’t seen us for days and the thing that makes me the most sick is that SHE OBEYS YOU. At eight years old she knows what my five-year-old daughter can’t understand – what the consequences to disobeying are. I don’t know what they are, but she does. Whatever might take place if she says hello to the baby she loves so much is just not worth stopping that shopping cart.

It makes me angry that just being in the same room with you is such a stress that I practically shake. I am not equipped to deal with you and your thoughtless, poisonous lies, lack of moral fiber, bad temper. What kind of woman stands in my yard and hurls horrible accusations at her former husband while all of our children look on? How can anyone who snuck around with another man for two years and moved her daughters from a house with Daddy to a house with the other man overnight hold her head up in public, let alone be filled with of self-righteousness? Whatever my man’s faults are, I know that he is nothing like the cowardly, cheating man that you left him for. You may have regrets, I don’t know. Maybe it WAS awful in your marriage and you (obviously) hate him still. Whatever your beef was, it’s been 3 years, you left him, be HAPPY.

Every opinion that I have of you, you gave me yourself. Your husband (are you afraid of the divorce? are you too cheap?do you know you can’t get any money out of the situation so you don’t bother?) said little about you when we met. I knew that something odd had taken place because he was surprised and pleased by my good nature. I knew that there were signs…and I knew it was probably a bad idea to go ahead with this relationship before you two divorced. But we didn’t want to put off our happiness…I’m glad, but I’m also glad that I didn’t know how awful it was, is. You have shown me yourself, with your own behavior. I think that you use your daughter to hurt my man. I think that you are a lazy mother, an ignorant mother. An ignorant person. Now at least my man can speak openly about it.

I wish that I could be less affected by you, but you permeate our household like a vile odor. When your daughter arrives she brings strange and sick idease, which my children (and when older, the baby will) puzzle over. Sometimes it’s appalling (Mommy cries when I’m not with her and is happier when I’m at her house). Sometimes it’s almost funny – like the time your daughter declared to me that “fake flowers are better because they last longer”. But then, you are also fake nails, fake tan, bleached teeth while your daughter wears second hand clothes, loose uncombed hair and long, dirty nails. The truth is, you are so trashy and cheap it would be funny if it didn’t enter my house.

You had my man over a barrel when you took his daughter, joy of his heart. He was so afraid to divorce you, so afraid to lose the custody battle. But now you have let him have her every other week for so long that when the divorce goes through it will be status quo. Good for him, good for her, but what about the rest of our children? How will it be to have your poison brought in by her innocent person every week for the next however many years? I shudder to think at the damage you are doing to your little girl, what she may inflict on our household. I shudder to think at how I will have to firmly combat this crap for years on end.

The real horror of it is that I can see myself in you – you bring out every aspect of myself that I dislike and magnify it. You are everything that I am afraid if being, becoming. I have thanked you many times in my mind for giving this man up. Perhaps one day I’ll thank you for everything else. Not today, though.

Dear Ex-husband’s New Wife

I want you to know that I don’t hate you, despite what my ex-husband might think of me or has said to you about me. I am not a bitch, I am not a bad or unfit mother, and I genuinely have no hatred toward you whatsoever. You seem like a very nice person, and I feel very fortunate that you are nice to my child and love her. I’m sure you love my ex-husband, and I am thankful because you are a better woman than me in that respect. I no longer have to put up with the narcissm, the passive-aggressive behavior, and the ego. I no longer worry about walking on eggshells around a husband that doesn’t know me, nor cared to ever get to know me. I have a wonderful husband now who has shown me what real marriage, intimacy and working hard for something you love is all about. I see that now in hindsight, and went through a lot of therapy after we separated to be able to say that I no longer have to be a victim of his emotional abuse. I don’t know if you will ever see it, and for your sake, I hope you never do. My husband now swears that I am a victim of emotional and/or verbal abuse by my ex, and just now, after 2 ½ years of marriage to him have finally gotten to the point that I am not scared to get angry around him for fear that he will leave me. I spent 5 years of my life with a man that couldn’t even tell anyone what I did for a living. He never cared to get to know me, and looking back, I should have thought twice about marrying him. But that is water long gone under the bridge, and the damage has already been done.

I don’t know what my ex-husband has told you about me or our history together, but it is one that I’ve never written down. Honestly, it tires me thinking about it, but I think that it is important that you know the true nature of your husband and it may explain everything for you about me. I don’t know if he told you about when we met, when I found out I was pregnant, what he did, or how things turned out, but it was not a fairytale romance. We had been dating 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. When I told him about the baby, he told me that he wasn’t ready to be a father because there were a lot of things that he hadn’t gotten yet, like a truck or jet skis. He told me that he would give me money if I decided to have an abortion. I told him that night that I was going to have the baby, and he was welcome to be around; however, IF he chose to stay around, he needed to be around 100%. I didn’t want a half-ass father for my child because I had no intention of being a half-ass mother. When he stopped calling me a week later and began dating a woman 12 years older than him with 3 children, I assumed he made his choice. Not so. I was 6 weeks pregnant.

He contacted me when I was 9 months pregnant, wanting to be in my daughter’s life, still with his girlfriend. I told him to get a good attorney because the only way that I would let him be around is if I was threatened with jail time for not complying. See, I have a paralegal certification and have been through legal training. I know the TCA family law statutes in our state, and knew that as long as he wasn’t on the birth certificate, he had no rights at all. I wasn’t sure why he was calling, but later found out that because he was dating a woman with 3 kids, they were her tax deductions every year and she received a big chunk back. So if he had a child, he might be absolved from paying a single person’s taxes. Nice, huh? That’s moral character. Needless to say, I knew that I was in for a fight with him.

When my daughter was 4 months old, he ordered me to submit to DNA testing. Here’s another great character trait about your husband: when I was pregnant, he told folks that we both knew that I was lying, that I was one of “those” kind of girls that wanted to trap a man with a baby, and that it wasn’t his. All the while, I knew that the truth always prevails…and it did. The results came back 99.99% his child. I would never in my wildest dreams lie about something this impacting to my life.

A few months later, my attorney received papers stating that he wanted full custody of my daughter. Keep in mind that all this time, he had never had any sort of visitation with her or paid me a dime of child support. He even did the DNA testing through the child support services office in order to get it paid for by the state for free. Again, nice, huh? Our tax dollars hard at work, paying for the consequences of  someone who did a cowardly thing and got caught. My daughter was 7 months old. He had gotten married to the woman he was dating with 3 kids the week prior, and now that he was a family man, thought that his situation was better than mine (I was living with my parents so they could help me raise my daughter since I was a single parent), enough that he went out to prove me an unfit mother on this basis.

Long story short, we had a temporary custody hearing, he got every other weekend until our custody hearing 10 months later, and during that time, I answered 2 sets of interrogatories from his attorney, endured nasty glares and side-eye shanks from his wife and him at drop-off and pick-up times, and tried to move on with my life. But oh how karma has a way of coming back around…

His wife cheated on him 4 months into their marriage. This was his second marriage. Things began to crumble for him and 2 months before our court hearing, he had moved out and was living in the living room of a friend’s house. He and I settled everything out of court. He gave me primary custody and then asked me if I wanted to try dating again. I must have been a lot more foolish then because I said yes. Knowing him now, he is not the type of person I would have even given a second chance after the first date, so it must have been me having high hopes for us that made me do it.

During our dating and marriage, we kept separate everything – bank accounts, loans, furniture, even towels and sheets! No joint anything for him. He has been screwed over too many times by wives to do that again. On the weekends, I spent time alone with my daughter while he went kayaking, hunting, car part buying other states, National Guard drill weekends. Everything else came first, and my daughter and I were put on the back burner. And material possessions are gold to him. I spent so much time alone with my daughter that when we separated, I was actually glad that we had a parenting plan in place so it would make him have to spend time with her. Never once did he really bond with her in daddy-daughter time. Not once did he ask me if I wanted to do anything by myself and offer to watch her. I was a maid, a mother, a bookkeeper, but never a true wife to him, and my daughter was just a tax deduction. During our relationship together, I never fought with him. I find that odd now, because all normal couples fight. I was scared to tell him how I really felt. He threw out so many ultimatums, my-way-or-the-highway-isms, that when we separated and I got my own place, for the first time in 5 years, I could breathe again. The weight of the world was off my shoulders, and I knew that something was terribly wrong in that situation.

In the past few years that he has been gone in flight school and now deployment, I have seen his tone with me revert back to what it was when we were going through our custody stuff the first time. He is rude to me. He is hateful. He called me a bitch on the phone from Kuwait. When he should have been spending precious time talking to my daughter, he was fighting with me. He has told me that he would hire as many attorneys as he can to make sure I get visitation with my daughter once a month for the rest of her life. He is emotional when he should be practical. And when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, I feel like I have to deal with a 12-year old when I talk to him. All of this because I wouldn’t agree to let you take over his weekly visitation while he was deployed for a year. Please try to understand why. While I know that you had spent some time with my daughter, the two of you had only been married 6 months when he left, and he didn’t have the common courtesy to think ahead and plan for this. He knew in July 2008 that he would be deployed around March 2009. Why did he not go ahead and start making arrangements for us to meet before then? Why did he wait until the last minute to do any planning for the time he would be gone? This is a disrespectful slap in my face.

I would love for you to read some of his emails to me, and my responses. I have consulted with about 5 different attorneys since April 2009, and I am fully aware that he wouldn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of getting anything more than our normal, week-to-week visitation upon his return from deployment. I hope he knows this as well. I am an outstanding mother. I always have been, and I always will be. My children are my life and I would do anything for them. I make sure that my children have a nice home, dependable transportation, toys, clothes that fit, food, a proper education, playdates with friends, involvement in church and love watching my daughter turn into a beautiful young lady. I know you don’t have any children, but if you and my ex decide to have one, I hope you may understand where I am coming from. Your husband has not exactly done right by me since we have known each other, and until he does, he will always have an uphill struggle. Good parents don’t leave their children for years at a time. He should heed this when he begins to think that he can do a better job than me at parenting my daughter. I have never left her, and I have been in her life every single day. I have cared for her since before she was born. I can’t say the same for him.

Maybe one day we can be friends. I would really like that because there are times where my husband is working and sometimes I just need a break. I think that you would be a great resource to have if I have to work late and need someone to pick up my daughter for me, and I know that you will do right by my daughter.  I don’t want you to think that I hate you because for some reason, I want my ex-husband back or hate anything that makes him happy. You can have him. You can try to make him happy; that’s not my job anymore thankfully. I just want him to give me the credit I deserve, and have always deserved, for being a great mother to my daughter. I want him to be fair to me, and I want him to work together with me to raise our daughter. She deserves that more than anything.

Thank you for listening.

The Ex-Wife (#3)

Dear Stepdaughter

I just want to let you know how disappointed I am in you.

I have been apart of your life now for five years. The first three were amazing. You and I used to have so much fun running around the house singing, going shopping and just hanging out together. You used to be so much fun to be around always cracking me and your dad up. You’re not even a shadow of that person now.

I don’t know why you have decided to hate me in the last two years. I have treated you as I would treat my own daughter. I have been a mother for you while your own mother is non-existent in a drunken stupor. I have thrown birthday parties for you. Stayed up twice until the early morning hours picking lice out of your hair when you got it at school. I have driven you and your friends all over town. I have taken off from work to take you to the doctors. I have made you special meals because you don’t like meat. I’ve helped you reorganize your room and decorate. I sat in your room and just hung out with you after you had a boyfriend break up with you. I’ve (and your dad) bailed you out of jail. I’ve picked you up from parties you shouldn’t have been at. I’ve sheltered you away from your mom when she’s drunk and cussing you out, so you didn’t have to be subject to her. I’ve driven 1 hour there to pick you up after your mom got drunk and started hitting you. Then she stood out in the middle of the street telling me to “run” her over and how much of a worthless daughter you are and all the other things you should NEVER say to a child let alone your daughter, and I drove another hour back to OUR house in the middle of the night. Yet your mother was the one who didn’t want you, who abused you and abuses you, and you want to live there. You want to be with her. You act like her. You lie like her. You are selfish and immature like her. She won’t tell you “no”. She won’t look out for you. She doesn’t care if an education is important or not. Waiting tables at a truck stop and always expecting something from everyone without giving anything is a FINE way to live.

Still, with everything I have done for you and have taught you, I am the reason for all of your mistakes. I am the reason you are now failing school and realistically won’t graduate.. I am the reason you got a minor in possession. I am the reason that you can’t live at the stable environment that your dad and I have created for you. I am your scapegoat. Me. The person who has done so much for you. I have forgiven you too many times without an apology. Too many times have you said and done things to me that have hurt me too much. I can’t bear to see how much hate you have towards me any longer but I will. I will because I love you stepdaughter, despite how you make your dad (my husband) feel, despite how you have totally disrespected me and hate me, despite how much you have let your entire family down, I love you.

It’s not easy anymore for me to like you, it’s not easy at all actually. I don’t approve of your decisions that your making but “you’re 17, you can do what you want”. I will however love you, and if you ever need help I will be here. I am not going to bend over backwards and break my own heart anymore though. I refuse, I simply can not do it.

I hope and pray in the future you realize everything your family has done for you, everything your dad has given up for you, and how much you have deeply hurt me. I don’t know if that day will ever come. You are going to have to learn about life the hard way, and hopefully you won’t make some very bad decisions first, ones that you’ll have to deal with the rest of your life.

I know you are capable of doing whatever your heart wants. Your capable of being the smart, sweet, funny, loving girl that I once knew. I guess that’s why you’ve hurt me so much, because I know you’re better than what you’ve become.

I will always be here, and love you.

Love,
The “Evil Step-monster”

Dear Mother of my Step-children

I wish you could see what you are missing. We hear about such drama that goes on in your house: fights, dangerous situations, tension. The kids are so happy and carefree here. I love them with all of my heart. They have re-shaped me into the person I want to be.

This morning I woke up the three year old and we sat together in my big orange chair while the girls got dressed and we snuggled and I sang to him and he called me “Mama” on accident. I calmly said my name and he said “ok.”

I did this because of you. If I was their mother, it would hurt me for them to call anyone else “Mom.” I understand this. But you must know that I want nothing more than to be called “Mom.” To be their Mom.

You try to be in their lives, try to do good things for them, but you always put yourself first, don’t you. No matter if they are sick, you don’t contact us and are out of contact when we need to contact you. The three year old has a cold now and I’m the one wiping his nose and making sure he’s bundled up (well, Dad too).

I’m the one talking to the 11 year old about periods and sex and bodily changes. I’m the one talking to the 5 year old about not being sneaky and lying. About being a good girl. She takes after you, sometimes. That’s all she’s ever seen up till now.

I’m grateful, not only for them, but for us, that we have the kids half-time. They are safe here. They are loved here. They are not made to clean like scullery maids, they are read to, they get their homework done. They play, they help cook.

You miss out on a lot here. The kids you have at home are combative and angry. They want your attention and unconditional love so much. But your selfishness won’t let you give it to them. You are a marginal mother.

Well, don’t worry. Their father and I will be there for them the rest of their lives. And I thank you for having them. Now it is my turn to help raise them, the way my mother raised me: with unconditional love, compassion, respect, and understanding.

One day, we all hope you get your act together.

Dear former stepchildren

Everything about you changed my life. I can never look back at my marriage to your father with complete regret; without him, I would never have had a chance to be your stepmother. I was luckier than I ever could imagine to have children like you in my life–loving, funny, compassionate, dynamic and amazing kids. You made it easy to love you.

You have no idea how much of a challenge it was becoming a stepmother! I am so thankful that I had to learn to love your mother and accept her. I am so thankful that I had to learn how to let children love both of their parents without jealously, resentment or anger. I am so thankful for the nights we read together, the dinners we cooked together, the days by the pool, the vacations (with and without your father), singing songs by the campfire with the puppers and marshmallows, the days you came to my classroom and helped me get ready for summer, the summers we spent sleeping in, the day we found annabelle, the lessons I learned in letting you make your own choices and be your own person without pressure or influence from me, the little Christmas presents you made me, the secret trips to Mcdonalds and Starbucks, the hugs from behind while I worked in the kitchen, picking veggies and eating them straight from the garden, going out to dinner just for fun, watching you become “one of the cousins,” movie nights, the nest, seeing you learn how to stand on your own, being proud of you learning how to become emotionally stable and strong, and just being able to love you and be loved in return–honestly, openly and on our own terms.

You taught me how to become a better person. You taught me that I have more strength that I ever knew I had. I was far from perfect and I made mistakes. I hurt you sometimes, but I healed you at others. I learned to love myself, both the faults and the strengths, I learned to forgive myself, because you loved me anyway.

I know now that the reason I moved in with your father, the reason I stayed so long with him, the reason I married him despite the beginnings of doubt I had growing in my mind, was because of you. When I first met you, you were so broken. You needed so much help and I couldn’t walk away from it. I fell in love with your father’s Dr. Jekyll, just like you. We all wished and hoped together that the good days would last and that Mr. Hyde would never return. But we all knew, didn’t we? We all knew that at any moment he could switch and knowing that you still live with that fear and frustration breaks my heart. I can’t stand between you and his rage anymore at 3 in the morning, when he is screaming because your room isn’t clean enough.

I came home after that weekend I left in September because I knew my children needed more than a last minute babysitter, cold pizza and an empty home during the school week while their father was in Chicago losing yet another good job or sleeping with his “shaman” girlfriend. I never told you what was really happening. I never told you the things I can put in this letter. I never told you that your father was the equivalent of emotional cancer. I never told you that he broke my heart. I never told you there was more than one woman. I never told you about the Myspace girls–yes, girls (and god, yes, Myspace, how juvenile!)–that he had so many of. I never told you that he was texting other women while we stood together as a family at your grandfather’s funeral–oh, so many little, cruel, immature and insignificant details that I never told you. I never told you what he was really doing when he didn’t go on our family trip. I never told you that I knew, but didn’t want to believe, that he would never let me see you again if I left. I only told you that I loved you and I wished I could stay. I only told you that you were not a reflection of your parents’ choices and that I would always love you and miss you. I only told you what I could, but I always told you the truth. But not the whole, painful, inappropriate truth.

I left because I had to save myself. I left you behind to save my own soul. I had no rights, no choice, nothing. I had nothing that would allow me any right or access to you. But if I had stayed, wouldn’t I have hurt you more? If I had stayed, would you learn that it is okay to let someone treat you that way? I left because I wanted to be free of him, the hurt, the pain, the cancer that was slowing choking the life out of me. I know he has lied to you. I know he told you that my restraining order meant that I couldn’t see you, but that wasn’t true. I know he told you that I didn’t want to see you. We both know that would never be true. Your mother let me see you once or twice, but as soon as he began to put pressure on her and you, it was too much fire to play with. He hated me so much, he didn’t want you to see me–I might remind you of what he had done, of what you had lost because of him. I sent you cards every month. Did you get them? Did you remember me? Did you think of me as often as I thought of you– brown, curly haired girls-on-the-cusp-of-woman, or thin, lanky, blue eyed boys….they are all around me, but they are never you.

I needed you to see that it would be alright, you can survive, you will survive, if you leave someone, someplace or something that hurts you.

I wanted you to hate him, but I knew that you could never survive living with him that way. He would break you. Hate would break you. Only love heals. I have learned how to forgive your father and I have learned how to be incredibly happy, but I will always miss having you in my life. I will always regret losing you. No matter how long it has been, I still miss and love you.

When you are old enough, please come find me if you like–I know it is coming up soon. I don’t want to talk about the past. I want to hear about boyfriends and girlfriends, college plans, friends, the books you are reading, the movies you saw, your hopes, your dreams…I just want you. The entire family wants you. We miss you, we love you, we will never forget you.

Dear Ex-wife

I have never before taken the opportunity to thank you, which I will do now. Thank you for not appreciating the wonderful man whom is now my husband. The only reason he married you was that he felt sorry for you because you were knocked up yet again as a teen, and sadly, this time he was the victim of your trap to get out of your father’s house. He had no idea that for nine years he would cry in bed every night that God would deliver him from the hell of being married to you.

Thank you, Ex-wife, for being a selfish whore who could not keep your spring loaded legs closed. Throughout the duration of your marriage to my husband, other men would approach him on the street to let him know “it wasn’t me with your wife last night that was my friend.” He even caught you and his biological father in a rather intimate moment. When he finally got sick of sleeping on the sofa, he moved downstairs. How nice of you to let him know that you were dating and intended on bringing your men home to screw while he slept downstairs and your children were across the hall.

Thank you for the emotional terrorism you inflicted upon my husband the duration of his marriage to you. If he had not endured such horror, he would not have realized when a real woman came into his life, married me, and is blissfully happy.

Thank you for being a hateful narcissist. You have destroyed any chance of a relationship with the daughter you share with my husband. If you were not so sick and selfish, I would not benefit from having such a great relationship with your daughter. I am sad for her that she will never know what it is like to have a real mother, but I am happy that I can help her repair the damage you have inflicted upon her. I am also am the lucky one who gets to give your daughter unconditional love, trust, and believe in her while you treat her as if she is invisible, and are as cold to her as a block of ice. I am glad that her dad and I get to be the ones to allow her to have normal teen experiences instead of being locked in your prison. I am also happy that I will enjoy sharing in her adult future, as she will have nothing to do with you after she is legally free of your prison.

Thank you, Ex-wife, for letting yourself go and looking 15 years older than you actually are. In addition to the many reasons, my husband is so thankful to be married to me, it is nice to know that even though I am seven years older than you are I look 15 years younger than you, and I am hotter than you could ever dream of being. I have also gotten to be the one to show your former husband what is real love.

Thank you for being the hateful shrew that you are so good at being. If you were not who you are then you would never have turned half of my husband’s family against you, and I would not benefit from having a good relationship with them. If you were not such a controlling, sick wench, I would also not benefit from having a wonderful friendship with your daughter’s boyfriend and his family.

Thank you for posting every single thing you do online, so that my husband and everyone else is aware that you have “murderous rages” toward him, and that you wish you were the type of person to off him. I know you claim to be a “parenting expert,” and that you have degrees in relationship psychology, too bad, you have no clients. I find it interesting that you brag about having this degree, yet your parents refuse to have anything to do with you, you have no relationship with your brother, your current husband’s family tolerates you, and you have driven your children away.

Thank you ex-wife for if it were not for your dysfunctional stupidity I would not have the most amazing life right now!

Dear Ex-Wife

I have been with your ex-husband for a year now. We tried to date 5 years ago but the situation with you was just too difficult and we decided to end things. I thought things were better now. They are in a way, but you are still such a negative influence on him. You have damaged him and continue to do so. What’s really sad is that you are doing the same thing to your son.

I was a single mom when I met your ex-husband. My ex simply left and was never seen again. My daughter does not have a father; she has never even met him. She misses him or at least misses having a dad every single day. Financially, things have always been tight. I’ve had to take on two or three jobs to be able to make ends meet.

You on the other, have been blessed with a wonderful ex. He is a patient man and he never gets angry, hit or become verbally abusive. He loves his son more than anything and will put up with anything from you to keep his son healthy and happy. He has helped you financially, he is present at everything and has never disappointed his son. Yet, you don’t seem to realise this.

You treated him awfully when you were with him. You are the one who proposed marriage to him. You are the one who barely invited anybody from his side at YOUR wedding. Yes, it was your wedding only. I have seen the photos. You barely even looked at him! You are the one who sat my mother-in-law, this incredible woman, far away from the wedding party and replaced her by an aunt of yours.  You made him miserable, and yet still decided to have a child with him. You are the one who threw him out, and yet you keep this grip on him that is just unhealthy.

You followed him all the way to his work, actually getting yourself hired at his job! You solicit him for money all the time. Yet you try, by any means necessary to keep him at bay. You never inform him of anything regarding his son and he has to call and almost beg for the information. Don’t you know how lucky you are to have such a man be the father of your child? Don’t you know that I would give anything for him to be the father of my child? Do you know how much all of this is affecting your son? I would tell you how much this is affecting me, but you wouldn’t care. You care about no one else than yourself. You control everything, and because my man does not want his son to see his parents fighting, he gives in to everything. He is stuck between trying to build a life with us and you all the time! He was single for the last 7 years because he just did not see how it was possible with you! You kept summoning him all the time and making him feel guilty for wanting a life of his own!

He does not want another child because of you. He believes that women are all as awful as you. All as manipulative and hurtful! He does not want to bring in another child because of the guilt he feels for his son. I’m working hard to show him that it is not the case; that women are not all like that. But your son will be stuck with you forever. I feel so awful for him that his mother would prefer to make him cry to get her way. He will have to deal with you as an adult and the pattern will probably be the same. He won’t get to choose the way he wants to lead his life, you will. I find that so awful! Your son is confused, hurt and it’s all because of you. I can’t believe you don’t see that.

You have a new husband. You should be content. But one man is not enough. This husband of yours does not seem to satisfy you. So you go after mine! After 7 years of divorce you still hold on to my man. You still do it on purpose to call when you know we are away together for a weekend. You still found a way to make sure you spend every day with him at work. You still found a way to be in his life even though you did not want him anymore. You can’t do that. You can’t throw away someone and decide to still keep the parts that please you. Yes, my man is successful. He has drive and passion at work and does well financially. You long for that part of life with him. That’s why you hover around like some kind of rat! You don’t value his skills as a father, you value his money. He is useful to you because he will lend you money when you need it.

Every time I see you with him, you are mean to him. You call him fat or make fun of him. And he takes it. He takes it because of his son. He is the only parent who truly cares about that child. He puts up with you for that reason only. Don’t you go and think that he cares about you. He only cares about his son and that’s what makes him a great man.

Every day I try to show him that he can be treated properly by someone he loves. Not all women are like you! Every day I work at repairing the damage. I may never be able to get him to marry me or have a child with me, but I love him every day despite you. I will support him and I will value him and I will try to make up for what you did and for what you still do.

You are an awful human being. You don’t deserve to have him in your life. You don’t deserve to call yourself a mother. I would never do to my child what you keep on doing. I would never use my daughter to get my way. I will always put her first. That is something that you know nothing about. You put yourself first, always. I hope one day your son realises what you have done and I am sure that he will realise the great father he has. He already loves his father very much and is so much more demonstrative with him than with you.

I believe in karma. I believe that life is fair and that people eventually get what they deserve. You will be a very bitter old woman. You will be the person your son gets away from. Your future daughter-in-law will avoid you. They will arrange it so they see as little of you as possible.  I know this will not happen to my man. His love is true and his son will know that. He will look forward to visiting his dad.

I still have to put up with you, for many years to come. I’m ready for you! Bring it on!

To My Stepdaughter

So you have finally made the decision to move in with the mother who abandoned you, the woman who never visited, called, or even remembered your birthday. Now that you are 17 she is so cool, she is the greatest. I hope that you get every desire fulfilled by her, I hope that I am wrong and that you are not making the biggest mistake in the world and will probably regret it the rest of your life. I know from your daily postings on your FACEBOOK that you hate me and your father. That we are horrible people that expected you to finish high school go to college and make something of yourself. I know that it is easy for you to blame me afterall I am the “evil” stepmother. The one who ruined everything for you. The one who helped your dad build a stable life for you and your brothers, helped buy and build and brand new house where you had your own room. You have your own car which you did not have to pay for that you have complained about everyday since you got it. It may not be the cool car you think you deserve but yet my 16 year old still goes without one.

I hate you for trying to blame everything on your dad. You are responsible for the outcome of your life. You pushed me out— no shoved my out.  I have not spoken more than a few words when forced to in the past year. Even when you still send me text messages asking me to do things for you. Because when you want something that is the only time I am good for anything. I really don’t know why you think you deserve to be treated as a princess and still nothing is EVER good enough for you.

How are you going to explain to your brothers someday that the mother did not want any of you invited YOU to come live with her? Will you become and alcoholic? Drug addicted? Maybe be a stripper like she suggested? Because afterall as she says education is overrated and you don’t need it.

Now I count down the days until you leave this house, I am looking forward to it December 19th. You have made life miserable for me and my children for long enough. Your father is nice enough to say you are welcome at Christmas time, we know the only reason you would every show up is for the gifts. But he is such a wonderful dad so yes there will be gifts for you. He is even going to sign the car you hate over to you and your mom.

I was not much older than you when my dad died and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had him back. I know that someday you will see your mom for who she really is and will see your father for who he is. I just hope it will not be too late.

As for me , I would love for you to wake up one day and realize you screwed up trying to ruin our lives. I hope that I have forgiven you by then and we will be able to have relationship. And that you will embrace your three step siblings instead of hating them for being happy for what they have and not complaining. See my kids biological dad is dead they don’t have the option of running instead of growing up. They had to do that 4 years ago. I hope you eventually grow up too and think about someone besides yourself.

Your fathers wife and “mother” to your brothers

Dear stepdaughter

I found your note “Are you ready to be a stepmom? My dear…” in my book. I don’t exactly know your feeling or your point when you asked, but I take it as a chance for us to communicate.

For the idea about “I would be a stepmom,” I know it’s hurt and hard for you. It sounds crazy and laughable. But let’s concentrate on “how I’m going to be” instead of roughly a word “stepmom.” It’s not about “I am going to be a stepmom.” It’s about “I want to find a way to communicate clearly and build a healthy relationship with you, no
matter which kind of relationships it will be.

I’m just a normal, imperfect person. I always make mistakes, and my usual way to survive is to make mistakes and to learn from mistakes. That’s the way how I grow.

I’m ready, ready to face problems and challenges. God is creating our heart, soul, personality everyday in our lives through difficulties and tests. Life is to love, to pay and to serve. These are my goals to live. I enjoy every moment when I am trying to make an effort and God is building me up. That’s why I’m exist and why I’m here for you.

I don’t like the word “step-mom.” You can call me whatever you like, but I told you that I’m not going to replace your mom. Your mom is irreplaceable in anyone’s heart. I told you that and I thought you understood my meaning. I feel sad when I saw the note. I feel sad because I see your heart bleeding when you wrote the note.

I know that I’m not good. I’m aware of that. I don’t have any experience to be a “mom-like-person.” I just want to be a friend or a big sister with you and your brother. Love can be in thousands different formats! You know, girls always need to have someone who can just listen, understand how they feel, without challenging why they feel so. I would rather to be that someone. However, I’m still far from there.

I’m not sensitive enough to catch all of your feelings instantly. I’m not smart enough to know when I should talk or when I shouldn’t talk. I don’t know how can make you feel better or how would drive you crazy.

I’m not ready. That’s why I read books about steps. It’s because I’m just human and limited. How can I do  something when I have no idea? How can I understand what you think and meanings behind your words? I can get some practical suggestions to handle our current problem by reading books from someone who has been in similar situation.

Steps/Stepmom/Stepchildren are just situations, not roles to play or names for calling. If I say I’m ready to be a qualified “stepmom” after I read certain books about “stepmom,” it’s ridiculous. I could never learn how to swim if I just read books about “swimming.”

I want to get some methods to understand you and to communicate with you, to find some helps, and to know someone who can understand my feelings by reading their books.

I try to love, but not to persuade you into making me feel easier, not to be granted any honor, not to earn any appreciation. Of course I would feel easier if I can get some appreciations or identification from you, but that would be a bonus.

I’m always concerned about your feelings, but I don’t know how to express. I’m not afraid to be hurt but I’m afraid of hurting you or making you feel bothered somehow. I respect you and your own feelings. It’s your right to express but I can never force you to. Should I respect you or should I express my sincerity? I hesitate about that. I need your help. Please teach me.

I’m always there for you. It would be appreciated if you can let me know what and how to do. How can we deal with someone we don’t like? Jesus shows the only way is to reach out, communicate and love, but not to flee or close the door.

It’s possible that we can help each another to be healed. It would be better if we can find a communicating channel, and take every step slowly. Please give me some instructions to approach to you, because I’m foolish and just a stranger in your family.

I wish you could understand that you are always in my heart and I value your opinion on every matter in your family, especially on our marriage. I’m not going to get married to your dad, but to dad, you, your brother and even mom. You four are a whole package and never going to be divided.

You are not required to accept me or like me. I know dad makes you feel pressured, but it’s your schedule and no one can force. You get many challenges in front of you: your school work, your friends, your service, your life, your future. You just want your home as a safe place for you to be yourself and have a rest, not for war. I’m not
your battle. I just want to help to maintain a home for you to laugh and tear freely. I just concentrate on how I can help your relationship with dad to be better but not to be worse, without standing between you and dad.

Please take your time and relax.

Thanks for your attention!

Stepmom