Dear Stepmum

Gill I love you. You have always been there for me. I have always respected you and I respected you so much more once I became a StepMum myself, I know how difficult it must have been for you, but you HAVE made a difference in my life and you have taught me so much, and I thank you for that. I am so proud that my Dad met you and I am so proud to have two very special sisters. Gill, I hope you are able to see “facebook” now that you are no longer suffering and you now know that I love you. I should have told you.

I will do all that I am able to help Dad and your Girls . I hope you know how special you are to me.

You will be in my heart and memories forever. I love you Gill.

Your Stepdaughter,

Emma xx

Dear Stepson

You are just about the cutest thing I have ever seen! I love you to pieces. You were almost three the first time I met you, practically still a baby. You were in a clingy stage with your dad and didn’t really want anyone else to hold you. I remember one Sunday not too long after we met, it was while your dad and I were still just friends and not dating yet, when I saw you all at church and you came running across the lobby, calling my name, and holding out your arms for a hug—that warmed my heart so much! At the same time I was falling in love with your dad I was also falling in love with you and your sister.

Now you are four going on fifteen. Your favorite word is “no” and sometimes that makes us crazy! But even so you are still such a sweet little boy. You look so much like your dad, and you have so many of his mannerisms. One of the things I love best about you, is how much you are like him in your personality…you are only four and yet I can already say that you are a child with a genuinely kind heart. You are so generous and giving.

I feel so lucky to be in your life when you are still small…sometimes I wish time would freeze and you would always be small. I cherish the time I get to spend with you. I love hearing your cute little voice, the way you mispronounce your r’s, and especially your contagious laugh when you crack yourself up…it cracks everyone around you up too. I love when you want to have a hug and especially when I’m hugging your dad and you come running for a Group Hug! I like it when you ask me to snuggle with you in the bed or on the couch…your little body is so tiny and warm, and I am in awe of how quickly you are growing.

Recently I had a dream in which you were a teenager, almost grown up and taller than me. It was a little on the weird side, because I know those days are coming and probably sooner than I want them to! I love you so much. I hope we can always have the warm and positive relationship we have now. I can’t wait to see what a fine young man I know you will turn out to be!

All my love,
Your stepmom

Dear Stepdog

I know your first human “mom” abandoned you and left you all alone, and you were lonely and scared and hungry. My heart breaks to think about what you went through, and so unnecessarily as we wanted you all along and we didn’t know you were alone. We are doing the best we can to help you with your anxiety and other issues. We have hired an expert trainer to help us all learn how to be a successful pack. I am trying hard to be patient, kind, and understanding of you.

But the fact is you are making me crazy with some of your behaviors and my patience is running very thin! You cannot keep destroying my stuff; you cannot keep pushing my elderly dog or the cats out of the way when they are getting attention; you cannot keep stealing food off the counter/table/trash/directly out of the children’s hands; you cannot keep jumping on people/slapping them with your paws/bumping them with your wet nose when you want attention; you cannot keep taking tissues out of the bathroom trash and shredding them; and most of all you cannot keep freaking out and doing the “devil dog scream” when we see other dogs on our walks. It is scary, embarrassing, and dangerous.

We are trying so hard to help you. We want you to feel safe and loved because you ARE safe and loved. We will never abandon you, and you will never be left alone, we promise you. Please trust us. Please just chill out.

All my love,

Your new forever human mom

To My Husband’s Ex-Wife

You have done a lot of crappy things (I could write a book!), but one of the worst things you did was to abandon the dog—literally. We’re not sure exactly how long you left her alone at the house, checking every few days, but we’re pretty sure it was at least a couple of weeks. The only reason we found out she was alone is because she escaped and the neighbor called. Why didn’t you just ask us to go get her? You knew we were going to take her once the house was sold anyway. There was no reason to leave her there alone, except your own selfishness, and habit of being concerned only for yourself. By the way, I know you prefer your animals to be on the skinny side, but the dog was 25 pounds underweight when we got her…25 pounds! She was definitely malnourished, no wonder she tried to run away. And it really pisses me off every time you come to our house and mention how “fat” she’s getting…no, she’s not fat, she’s finally getting the right amount to eat, on a daily basis! The vet says her current weight is exactly what it should be.

It’s not a shock that now we have some pretty significant separation anxiety problems with her. It is really pitiful, you can see the panic in her eyes when she is having an anxiety attack. She’s even on puppy prozac, but we have a long way to go with her to fix what you wrought.

I know it never even crosses your mind the way you mistreated her, or the fallout that we are dealing with, but I hope someday karma bites you in the butt. How dare you treat a helpless animal like that! Someday I hope someone is as mean to you as you were to her.

Dear Stepdaughters

I write this with some trepidation because you are young adults and I feel I can’t do anything but hold on to some kind of hope that you will eventually grow up and become mature, responsible older adults.

When your Dad and I first met and eventually when I met you both, you were adorable and sweet little girls.   Things changed once you made your way into high school and changed in a big way.  While your actions hurt me because I feel I have gone above and beyond as your step-mother, I really am having a very difficult time reconciling your actions towards your Father.

Your Dad has been there for you through everything.  Everything! He went to every concert, sporting event, teacher conference, etc., etc.  There were only one or two times that he couldn’t be there because of his job but that’s it, over all those years.  He tried to support you in the things you wanted to do.  He tried to be there for you when you went through the “going from little girl to young woman” time in your lives.  He may not have always known what to do but he made every effort he could.  He has been a constant, stabilizing force in your lives.

The way you have thanked and respected him is to shut him off completely.  Both of you have moved out of our house during high school because its more fun at Mom’s.  In other words, your Dad had rules, nothing overbearing, but expectations while your Mother did not.   Instead of trying to talk to your Dad, you screamed, yelled, ranted and raved, threatened to runaway and then moved out and cut him off completely.  He has reached out to both of you.  One daughter, you have totally ignored his efforts to reach out to you.  The other daughter, he has tried to help you with money when you’ve been really short on cash.  How did you thank him, us really? You came into our home while we were at work and robbed us.  To violate us that deeply and personally, moves me beyond words.   To do so, with premeditation and later show absolutely no remorse, is beyond words.

What the two of you have done to this man, a genuine, good and loving man, has brought me to tears.  In fact, I’m cried out and I don’t know how to help him through this.  He told me he is afraid that he’ll die without there ever being a reconciliation of any kind.  To that, my only answer is that it will be a burden both of you will carry the rest of your lives.  In fact, and I hate to say this, I hope you do carry that burden.  To do to him, to anyone for that matter, what you have is beyond comprehension to me and the rest of our families and friends.  Your behavior is beyond appalling.  Disappointment is too good a word to use.  I like to think that I’m a good Christian and that I can forgive and forget but I don’t know if I can.  Not that that would matter to you.  I’m not sure I can come back from this, I don’t think I can get beyond what you have done to your Dad.  I had always hoped you would want the kind of loving relationship I had with my Dad, that’s what I dreamed of for you both.  I guess its just not important to you.

Some day, it will be important to you and then it may be too late.

Your Step-Mom

Dear Husband’s Ex Wife

When I first met my husband, your ex-husband, we took things slow, getting to know each other before introducing the kids to a new relationship.   When we each met the others kids, and all the kids met each other, it was wonderful.  Everyone truly enjoyed each others company, the kids acted like they were blood brothers and sisters.  It solidified in our minds what we suspected, we had a great thing going.

Within a few months of our relationship turning serious, you got jealous.  Jealous of the fact that your now ex-husband had moved on, even though you are the one who had an affair.  He took you back, tried to work on things with you, but then you said you wanted out because you didn’t love him anymore.  He moved on while you wallowed in true bitterness.   You were so embittered we were afraid to tell the kids the date we were getting married because we were afraid you would try to sabotage it.  Imagine trying to plan a quiet wedding and worrying about a bitter ex-spouse ruining it.  One week before we married, your ex-husband introduced me to you.  You looked me up and down from head to toe, and then turned your back on me and talked to him as though I didn’t exist.

Things escalated … because of your bitterness.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt when you called to accuse my sons of being dangerous to “your” girls.  They were 7 and 11, they weren’t going to do anything bad to the girls.  And besides, they aren’t just “your” girls, they belong to their father just as much as they do to you.   Imagine how you would feel if someone accused your children of something that heinous.  And you never apologized.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt the night you called while your ex-husband was helping me bring groceries in and my older son, 11 at the time, picked up the phone.   You went absolutely ballistic and screamed at the poor kid because he was home “alone” with “your” daughters.  Imagine how you would feel if I ever treated “your” daughters that way.  And you never apologized.

Your ex-husband and I have been married more than ten years now and while you have given us way more grief than anyone on this planet deserves, I do not regret for a minute marrying him.  When “your” daughters wanted to call me Mom, I gently explained that I’m not their mother, I’m not replacing you but I would love it if they would think of me as another adult who loves them and wants the best for them.  I’ve made treats for their classes, garters for homecomings and proms, gone to Brownie and Girl Scout meetings, taken them to their Religious Ed classes, took days of vacation to stay home with them when they were sick, gone to every concert and numerous sports events they were in over the years, taken them to the doctor/dentist, taken them shopping (a girls day out kind of thing), helped with homework, gone to teacher conferences and much more.  I’ve done nothing but treat them the same as I do my own children with no intention of trying to step on your toes.

Instead of being the least bit glad that I’m not some kind of Cinderella type step-mom, you became even more embittered.  It is glaringly obvious that you have planted seeds in the two girls minds, not just about me, but also about your ex-husband.  Neither of us deserve that, we’ve done everything we could to keep the girls best interests at heart.

But you have worked incredibly hard to destroy everything your ex-husband and I worked very hard for.   We fought you every other year in court because it was the right thing to do.   “Your” daughters deserved to be with their Father  50% of the time and obviously the courts agreed.  But you didn’t stop, you kept up your tirades and constant baloney.  I had truly hoped you learned something from the last go round, that you are not the best parent or you would have won full custody.   But, sadly, I was wrong.  You had no idea what the girls were doing on the internet until your ex-husband called you.  You call the girls in for school absences at the drop of a hat.  Did you see how many absences the older girl had last year? Did you read the truancy letter that was sent out? We got a copy, I’m sure you did too.  You didn’t know that one daughter was failing the one class she needed to pass to graduate until your ex-husband called you.  And most of that time one was living with you full-time because “its fun at Mom’s”.  The other girl moved in with you the following year for the same reason.   And one has a police record now and you still look the other way and ignore the issue.  You think you’re such a great parent but you have had multiple relationships over the years; so much so that maybe you should have a revolving door installed on the front of your house.  Maybe you need to do some exploration of your habits since both girls have STDs and one already has a child.  You’ve done a wonderful job of leading by example.

You’ve been a friend to the girls, not a parent.  That may work as the kids get into their adult years but not in the formative years.   You’ve done a bang up job lady.  You have not only filled their heads with a ton of bull to the point that they will not talk to me, worse yet they will not talk to their Dad.  Well, I take that back, they call when they want money.  Isn’t that nice of you? You’ve trained them to be mini-me’s!

I look back at all these years and say “wow”, your ex-husband and I make an awesome team.  We had to be able to survive all your baloney.  Sure, you’ve effectively alienated the girls from their father but at some point, they will realize who you truly are.  In the meantime, I feel no pity for you and I’m done being angry with you.  I will no longer waste a moment thinking about you and what your next embittered action will be.  This is the last I will ever say because I will not waste my time, breath or energy on your bitterness.    Because I don’t care.  Your ex-husband and I won.  We have a very solid, wonderful marriage.  He’s a good, genuine man who truly has worked hard for his family in every way possible.  He loves his family but will discipline and be firm when necessary, even if it makes him the bad guy.  He loves to joke but knows when to be serious.

In the end, we win, you lose.

Your ex-husband’s wife

Dear Stepdaughters

When I met you, you were 4,6 and 8. You were sweet girls and I could tell you adored your Dad as he did you.  We did a lot together as a “family” even before your Dad and I married.  Once we got married, life revolved around our kids, but  because I had my own daughter who lived with myself and your Dad,  I have always felt you were jealous. Because of this your Dad and I have always strived to make things as fair as we could.  While I have always understood how hard that would be for the three of you to have Daddy living with us,  unfortunately over the years the jealousy in my opinion has led to a wall between my daughter and the three of you. Things have been said and done that have been unfair and mean and I have come to the point of intoleration.  You are now 16,18 and 21, Life is short, and I am coming to wits end as your stepsister is hurt, and sad…you will all be leaving the roost soon and I want everything to be better before all hope is lost.

Love Step Mom

Dear Ex-Wife

Lately I can stop thinking about you, maybe it is because soon our lives are going to change financially.

Yours for the worse ours for the best and I have mixed feelings about it. I am relieved that my husband and I will not have to give you a big portion of our monthly salaries, I can’t tell you how hard it has been for us this past year to worry if he is going to bring home money at the end of the week knowing that we have to write you a check no matter what. It has been so many years and we have never been late or missed a payment. I pray every day it never comes to that even if I have to work two jobs. But now that we only have xx months left to pay you, I can’t help but feel bad for you.

I know you will have a hard time. I want you to know that I will not be against my husband helping you, but I need you to take responsibility for your actions also. It seems to me that you and your daughter blame me for your financial situation, but if you remember correctly when you were married to him you did not pay bills on time , did not save any money, and lived week to week. Remember the IRS? Tthousands of dollars you guys owed. Remember how he could not get a credit card because his credit was so bad and  recently we have to pay a debt owed by you. I am not just blaming you he is to blame also, remember when you guys got divorced how he took all the debt and left you the house, the car end everything in it.

A few years later he and I paid off the debt, saved, took trips and bought a nice house.

Your daughter resents me for it because she thinks I took this from you.  I will really appreciate it if you would tell her how even if my husband were with you  today you would not have  these things, that if her father and I have these things is because I have a lot to do with it.

I am really sorry for the pain we caused you and trust me when I tell you  we will continue helping you even after the court alimony order ends if it is possible for us.

Take care and best wishes,
New wife

To Everyone

The word “Mother” has many definitions:
“A female parent”
“Woman in authority”
“Maternal tenderness or affection”
These represent Mother as a noun

As an adjective,
“Acting as or providing parental stock”
Finally, as a transitive verb:
“To give birth to”
“To give rise to”
“To care for or protect like a mother”

Looking at these definitions
I can’t help but wonder
That I, as a stepmother, fulfill
All but one

I am a female parent
Just ask his father
I may not have given birth
But that doesn’t take away my authority

I show my stepson affection
When he’s scared or hurt
I raise him, while in our care
I protect him, when things go wrong

So why does it matter
If he calls me “Mom”?

If Mothers are true angels
Stepmothers are doubly
We could have said, “No
Raising someone else’s child
Is just too hard”

Instead we welcome
With open arms
Promise to love this child
As we love our own

So biweekly, sometimes more,
I raise this child
And give him a home
Only to be told
“You’re not his Mom”

I comfort him when he’s scared
I clean his cuts and scrapes
I take him to the park
Yet, I am not “Mom”?

Tell me this
If I am to earn the title
Of being his Mom
What more can I do
Than is already been done?

Ask him who I am
He will tell you
“She’s my Mom”
Yet his bio Mother
Says I am not

Others have voiced their agreement
To her close-minded definition
“If he’s not your son,
You are not his mother”

To those people,
I say, go back to the top
And read the definitions
I AM his Mother
I just did not give birth to him

To tell me I’m not
Is like telling an adoptive parent
He is not yours
You are not his

I leave you with this thought
In a world full of blended families
Open your minds and hearts
To a woman who chose to love
The joy that is a child

Dear Dad

Technically, you started out as stepdad. When you started dating my mom I was uncertain about you, and when you got engaged there was much gnashing of teeth as I decidedly did not want to move. I can see now that in the throes of my teenage angst I really did not see things outside of my own selfish little world.

But after we moved in and things settled down I realized that I liked you after all, and you were really, really good for my mom. It was wonderful to see her so happy after so many miserable years. I can’t remember whose idea it was for you to legally adopt me, but I’d like to think it was mine. All I knew at the time was that I desperately wanted to be “yours”. How strangely thrilling to think that as I turned 34 this month, I have now officially been your daughter longer than I was not!

I often wonder if it seems strange to you or others that I have never taken to calling you by the name Dad, since I most definitely consider you to be that. Instead I have always called you by your nickname. I wonder if this hurts your feelings. The truth is this: in the vocabulary of my childhood, Dad is someone to be feared, even hated, and certainly not someone to be respected. You are so far from these things that the idea of calling you this, somehow seems disrespectful to YOU. For you have become so much more than just my father: you are one of my best friends, closest confidantes, and the one I consider my wisest counselor.

Sometimes I am sad that I did not get to be your little girl, and that I did not grow up with your sons. I realize years later that for a long time I tried to force that kind of relationship with them, to be their true sister, in an effort to feel more like your child. But I’ve recently realized that though I did not have the pleasure of your company (as they did) when I was small, I am no less your daughter than they are your sons. I am your child in a different way, and strangely I feel as though perhaps in a luckier way. Certainly I have the enormous benefit of geographic proximity. But beyond that, I have the benefit of knowing that I was *chosen*—and in a time of my life, my teenage years, when I wasn’t exactly cute or engaging or possibly even very friendly. How very fortunate I am that you gave me a chance and loved me anyway.

I cannot even wrap my brain around the thought that someday I might not be able to pick up the phone and ask you “What are you doing?” and when you’re ready to get off you’ll say “Alllright.” When your dad died three years ago, and as you have aged, it reminds me of our human mortality and that someday I might have to face your absence in my life. Just the thought tears me up inside, because you are one of the most important people in the world to me. I rely on the hope that though we do not share biology that I have somehow picked up your strength and your wisdom.

As I am fostering relationships with my own stepkids now, I see you as my best role model of what a stepparent should be. I used to feel sorry for my stepkids, that their parents got divorced, and everyone knows that nobody wants a stepmom. But a very smart person told me that I should be looking at my role as a chance to replicate your role in my life, and consider my stepkids as lucky as I consider myself. I only hope that I can live up to your example!

I don’t say it enough (as you probably know these words are hard for me) but I love you with all my heart. I am so thankful for you.

Always,
Your daughter