Dear Mother

•November 14, 2011 • 1 Comment

This weekend I took off work to celebrate your birthday. I questioned if I really should make an effort to participate seeing as you stay 20 minutes from me and have been to my house 3 times in the last 9 years. Because I love you I decided the right thing to do is to show up. I didn’t appreciate you denying my 14 year old stepson as your grandchild.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years now you should except him as your grandson. This was especially wrong since he was standing right next to me when you did this. Instead of apologizing when I talked to you the next day about it you made it worse. Saying “I’m not going to lie he’s not my grandson you can call him your son but that’s a lie he’s not your son”. Now I really feel uncomfortable bringing him around you so to protect him I will not encourage a relationship between the two of you. Seeing as it is my job as a parent to protect my children I can’t allow my biological children to have a relationship with you either because this will then make him feel unaccepted. I really wish you weren’t so ignorant. Children have feelings too and we can’t make them pay emotionally for their mistakes. After all they are learning about life what is your excuse mother.

Dear Birth Mom

•November 12, 2011 • 1 Comment

I know my husband has talked to you about this several times, but I never really get to put in my two cents, so here it is:

I know you don’t like the weekends my SD spends here, but we are her family too, and I’m not sure why you feel its’s necessary to try and keep us apart instead of helping to foster healthy relationships all around. Her sister and extremely hurt when she’s deprived of seeing her big sister. I know your sister is one of your closest friends, and I can’t see understand why you would try and keep SD from forming a similar one with hers. On the subject of family, mine matters too. My parents, siblings, and grandparents have welcomed SD with open arms from the day I started a relationship with my husband, but because of your restraints on allowing us to travel to their state with her, most have never been privliged enough to meet her. I’ve heard tonight that you are trying to railroad yet another trip for next summer, and I can’t help but be deeply hurt by this. We are so proud of her and have the right to introduce her to the family that questions how she’s doing in school, how her cheer/softball is going, sends her birthday cards, Christmas presents, and love on a regular basis. You can say you aren’t, but when we’ve not set the date for the trip, and you tell SD to tell us she has cheer camp during that time, it’s obvious. We don’t tell you when and where you can take her, so I don’t see how you believe you have the right to do it with us.

We understand that she is entering a transitional portion of her life when her social needs are becoming more important. But when we are only allotted four days a month with her, I feel that you should be considerate of our family needs and not ask her father to give up his (our) precious time with her. We relocated to be closer to her when she started school as we could no longer expect her to spend 10 days at our home, but now our visitations have been reduced from 10 days a month to 4. I don’t think you can fathom the difficulty we endure in trying to maintain relationships with her.

I guess what is mind boggling is that I have an ex-brother-in-law who never sees my niece and nephew, doesn’t call them except once or twice a year, or now when he’s facing going to jail for being $20,000 behind in child support, and it seems you would prefer that to having someone who genuinely loves his daughter, tries to stay involved, and just wants a great relationship with her.

I hope you can understand where I’m coming from; but if not, I’ll hope you’ll at least consider what I’ve said. Our family is hurting by not getting to spend more time with our daughter, but I know that she’ll understand someday that we loved her more than anything and fought for her the best way we knew how.

Sincerely,

The Wicked One

Dear Bio Mom

•November 12, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I saw another letter written in this format, so I gave it a shot. I wish you could really read this.

  1.  Your son has asthma. Though he hasn’t ever had a bad asthma attack, thank God, it is easy to look athim and see that you haven’t been giving him the medicine he needs twice a day. He is pale…as if his body isn’t getting enough oxygen. He is tired as if he’s working hard to breathe and needs more sleep. Is it really too much to ask that you medicate him the way the doctor has instructed?
  2. It would be nice if when we picked SS up from school he wasn’t so exhausted and crabby. So please get him in bed before the late night news comes on. I’m sure he isn’tinterested in that. He’s only 6 after all.
  3. It’s creepy that he sleeps in your bed every night. Be a real mother and stand up to your mom. SS needs his own bed and furniture in his room at your mom’s house. It’s no wonder he feels like a guest.  He’s sleeping with you or on the guest bed in the guest bedroom. Duh!
  4. Don’t call my husband to fix your every problem. He’s not your partner anymore. He never married you. In fact, you chose to walk away. Please stay gone as much as possible. We don’t care if you’re fighting with your boyfriend/fiancé.
  5. Unless of course yourboyfriend/fiancé hits you. Then call us so we can come get SS asap.
  6. If boyfriend/fiancé hitsyou…everything is not “perfect harmony”. SS is apparently not the only one who needs counseling now.
  7. When you use dinner out as a reward for good behavior in school, it’s no wonder you don’t haveany money for clothes for the child.
  8. A 6 year old should not bewearing size 4 underwear. Just saying. I throw those away whenever they come to our house. Of course that means that now I have to send you back the size 6 underwear that I’ve bought, and now have to go buy more. But I’drather see him in clothes that fit.
  9. Seriously, we are not going to keep or sell or steal any of SS’s toys that you let him bring to our house. Those are his things and we’ll make every effort to make sure they get back to you. But keeping them at your house is just mean to him.
  10. Although we absolutely would if we could, it is not our responsibility to make sure you don’thave to take off work when SS is sick. The deal is if he is at your house when he gets sick…you stay home with him. Yes there are three of us that can do that when he is sick at our house…but again..that is the family that you walked away from. Not to mention if you would take care of him…he’d be sick a lot less often.
  11. We put SS in Karate for a reason. If you don’t want to participate in getting him there often enough that is fine. At least don’t make it so hard for us to get him there often enough.
  12. There is nothing wrong with SS. He is not autistic. He does not have ADHD or Asberger’s or anything other than a mother who wants to label him as different so she can get more attention. A mother who wouldn’t come watch her son do karate unless she is fresh from surgery and looking for sympathy and attention. SS, however, is a normal 6 year old boy. He’s energetic and curious and he doesn’twant to miss anything. Yes, he needs counseling after watching your fiancé beat the [crap] out of you and having to open the door for the police all by himself, however, there is nothing wrong with him that your emotional abuse didn’t cause. Can you say Munchausen by Proxy?

If you could really listen and hear and understand I’d be amazed.

Sincerely,

The mom our son wants to live with.

 

Dear Mine

•October 30, 2011 • 4 Comments

You are so sweet and wonderful. We’ve got a great marriage and I always tell people you’re a great husband to a stepmom. I love you. I’m writing this not just to you, but for dads everywhere who are lucky enough to have another woman marry them and raise another woman’s child(ren).

This isn’t meant to be nagging or to say I’m dissatisfied with how things are. More often than not, I feel very appreciated and loved by you. Thank you. But I write this to tell you some things you could never know, because you aren’t, and never can be, a stepmom.

It may seem high maintenance, but I need you tell me thank you. Often and for just about everything, for awhile anyway. Thank me for getting your daughter new school clothes, for making sure she has a snack for school, for cooking dinners so we can eat together, for signing her up for soccer, for being sweet to her, for buying her new toothpaste, for playing games with her, for reading her a book, for praying with her and for her, for involving her in things, for being goofy with her, for teaching her to cook, for having boundaries and structure in our home,  for being interested in her school, for encouraging her to have friends over, for washing her clothes, for remembering spirit week at school, for remembering it’s picture day, that she needs field trip $, for making traditions that she has after only 2 years, she already has grown to rely and count on and for making our house her  home. The list goes on. I realize, it does sound very high maintenance and some people would think “sheesh, glad I’m not married to HER!!!!”  Valid. That’s why I don’t feel dissatisfied in our marriage. I know it’s a bit much, (or a lot much), but the reason I say it is b/c you have no concept of how much effort it takes to do any or all of the things I mentioned above. I love you. I loved you from the day I met you. I didn’t love her. I didn’t like her. I tolerated her. I breathed in and breathed out and tried not to be a wicked witch. You don’t know the effort, b/c on most days I just do what anyone would do and act civil to another person. I do the best I can and I think you believe I do a great a job, but you don’t really appreciate it, not because you’re a jerk or anything like that, but because you have no idea the amount of effort it takes to incorporate, to accept a stepchild into your life. It is hard, it feels like punishment, it feels awkward, stupid, annoying, like a death sentence of sorts…death to “normal newlywed life”,  it feels contrived, fake, unpredictable and downright scary sometimes. For the longest time when you’d leave just to go run an errand and leave me with her I’d count the minutes till you came back. not b/c she’s bad or scary but I didn’t like her. I didn’t want her in our house, let alone left with me! you never will know that feeling. To feel dread going into your house, or to feel like you’re unwelcome in the house you bought and paid for.

It’s fine, it’s life, I’m better at seeing God’s blessings in the big and small and it’s good. but never hesitate to say thank you. Just b/c it may seem easy, doesn’t mean it is easy. Tell me thank you for the big and small. It makes me want to do better and more and it lets me know you notice. You notice that I am a certain way, when I could choose to be ugly, distant, uncaring or indifferent. Please recognize, I have that choice.  Many parents and stepparents make a choice to alienate their kids/skids, to bring drama into the home instead of peace. And then there are the rest of us, who purpose to have a home of peace and love no matter what we feel like.  Please recognize the effort, as best you can.  When you say thank you it makes me feel like I can do anything, and that I’d do it all over again.

You’re the best, truly. I’m yours forever, and THANK YOU for loving me and for  always being on my side.

Love, Yours

Dear Husband

•October 26, 2011 • 2 Comments

We have had yet another fight.  And it’s because I told you that it hurt my feelings when [X] said my dinner was basically gross.  It hurt my feelings when you laughed and she smiled so proudly about it.  So then I told you about the time she looked at the food my grandma made and said “that looks gross”.  And because of that, I am in trouble.  I am a “drama queen”.

You tell me this is what children do and that I need to get over it.  You hold that child so high on a pedestal that you don’t even know what harm you are doing to her.  I love her and I want her to be able to grow into an adult that can make it in this world.  And right now I don’t think it’s going to happen .  I know she is perfect in your eyes, I get it.  But whenever anyone tells her something she or you don’t like, they in your words should be “written off”.  So she is growing up with the idea that if anyone disagrees with her, they aren’t worth anything.  And that is exactly what you do to me.  If I don’t agree with you, I hear such harsh words towards my character.

I feel like I’m invisible.  I’m only good if I am doing everything that you and her want me to do.  I don’t have an opinion, but when she has an opinion, rude or not, you tell me that she should be able to be honest and have an opinion.  Yet, you forget about tact.  You say you are the only one that truly knows and loves her.  You say I am a good “mother” to her, but when I point out something, I am nothing.  And you do all of this in front of her so she will eventually disrespect me as you do.

I’m miserable.  I’m truly on my way out.  I can’t handle the crying anymore, I can’t handle being told I am crazy or a “drama queen” because I have opinions about things regarding parenting.  Yes, I know I do not have any children of my own, but just because you have children it doesn’t mean you are the only expert. I chose not to have children with my ex-husband because I KNEW it wasn’t the right thing.  You have 2 children by two different women who you say you didn’t even love.  Your 26 yoa son doesn’t talk to you most likely because you married [X]’s mom who was only 9 years older than him and you basically shut him out once [X] was born.  And that’s exactly how I feel.  I don’t deserve to be disrespected or talked to in the matter that you talk to me.  And do you even realize how ridiculous you sound when sticking up for how rude she is?

The funny thing about it is that if you hear any other child say anything you deem “rude”, you are calling them a “insert bad word here”….Such a hypocrite.  So, from now on, I WILL keep my mouth shut and if I am still around, I guess I will just watch you raise a child that will not be able to cope in the real world because not everyone in the world will think she is a perfect little princess like you do.  You ARE doing a dis-service to her, but since you are the all knowing GOD, you don’t even realize it.  Control freak, hypocrite is what you are.

Regards

Dear Husband

•October 19, 2011 • 3 Comments

I hereby resign the title of stepmom.   It is a foolish title that brings more heartbreak and frustration than one can possibly take.  With it comes the life of a moving target.  Blame for all that goes wrong.   Rejection if you try to get to close.  Resentment if you step back too far.  Damned if you do; damned if you don’t.  It’s no way to live.

I am a ghost in my own home. I don’t exist, I get ignored.  I am brushed off with curt politeness.  I feel lucky in some respects that I am not cursed out or the insulting things he may be thinking or saying to his friends aren’t said to my face.  But the brusk manner in which I am dismissed is just as hurtful.  At least if he could articulate his feelings, we’d have a place to start a conversion.  There would be emotion there. Passion.  Attachment.   But the manner I am treated is cold and removed.  Warmth is almost non-existent.

I am a good person. I am a loving person.  I deserve to be cared about.  I deserve to be treated with respect. I care more about him more than he’ll ever know, but he is just not interested in me. I am the mom “he doesn’t like,” the villain to his fairytale hero, the one to blame for all his discontent.

My only crimes are that I want some structure in my house.  I want our home respected and cared for.  I want discipline when rules are broken.  I want consistent actions and consequences (actions and consequences don’t always equate to negative.  Positive actions have positive consequences too).  I want to see him grow up to be a good man who is thoughtful, expressive, responsible, courageous, strong, and self-sufficient. A person who knows what he wants and understands he has to work to get it.  A person with values who won’t cave in to peer pressure  A person who learns from his mistakes and is willing to admit when he’s made them.  A person who willingly accepts the consequences of his actions, and doesn’t try to avoid them by lying.  A person who understands that other people matter too.  A person who isn’t afraid to love, to share, or to reach out for help when he needs it.

You’ll notice that I did not put happy in there.  The only thing you say you want him to be. The reason I didn’t is because happy too nebulous too qualify.  The goal of happy doesn’t always get people what they need.  A strong personal foundation is more likely to get to happy.

I may not see him in the way that you or his mom do.  I see flaws in him, which I know you hate about me.  Although I do think he’s great: funny and smart.   I don’t put him on the pedestal.  Maybe that makes me a bad person.  Maybe that’s why I’m shunned. Sometimes I feel like maybe I can’t accept him for who he is because I don’t like who he is in our home, and it seems like I’m liking him less and less with each rejection.  I’m tired of reaching out only to have my efforts dismissed or minimized.  Think about it.  If someone consistently treated you like less of person on daily basis, you wouldn’t want to be around them either.   Yet, I’m constantly wracking my brains to try to figure out how to win his favour.   I’m tired.   I’ve cried too many morning’s worth of tears.  I’m tired of trying to figure out who I should be in his life, when he clearly doesn’t even want me there.

Losing our babies didn’t help the situation I’m sure.  I shut down after the second miscarriage.  I couldn’t bear to look at him.  I feel worthless in our home.  I thought a baby might make me feel like at least another being in the house loved and cared about me.  But it doesn’t look like this is going to happen.

I’m tired of torturing myself.  I know I can be a great mom, but I’ve been forsaken on both the bio and step fronts.  So I need to just give up that ghost.   I won’t be a mom.  I can’t be a mom.  That part of me needs to be shut down.  It’s only causing more stress in our home.

The hard cold truth is that I don’t agree with your parenting.  I hate the results I’m seeing.  I see him becoming lazy, unmotivated, rude, uncaring, messy… all the things 13 year old boys usually are.  But I don’t think that should be written off like that.  I know he can be more.  I don’t see anyone holding his feet to the fire, making him accountable.

He’s not a kid anymore.  He’s used to being catered to.   He used to getting his way by pretending not to listen or pretending to forget or being a drama “queen” with a feel so sorry for me act.  What confuses me is that we see results when you take a more disciplined approach, but then you back off again, which leads us right back to same place.
I’m tired of fighting about him.  Our fighting only fuels his non-acceptance of me.   I read a study that said step children are more likely to see their step parents as good people if they make their parents happy and if a loving relationship is modelled for them.   The opposite is true if they feel their parent’s spouse does not make them happy (and they equate fighting to this).   I don’t want to fight… especially with him in the house.

If it’s the title of stepmother that does it, then I’ll do away with it.  [He] will no longer have a stepmom.  I won’t take a parental role with him.   From now on I’ll just be your wife.   A role I know is appreciated.  That doesn’t mean I won’t be interested in his life.  I’ll just have little to say about it.

  • That also doesn’t mean that everything should go to hell.  As a partner in this household, I’d like:
  • Our house to be clean and well cared for
  • Our things to be respected and treated with care
  • Peacefulness and civility and boundaries that are respected
  • Well-mannered people coexisting
  • To be acknowledged as a human being

I don’t want:

  • A constant mess that doesn’t get cleaned and consequently create permanent stains that ruin the value of our home
  • Clean rooms
  • Things treated carelessly that are broken and never fixed
  • Loud noises at all hours of the day
  • Swearing, cursing and complaining
  • Policemen at our door or school principals calling our cell phones
  • Crime or lying of any kind.

How you make those things happen is up to you… as long as they happen.  In return, I won’t stress or worry about his schooling or future.  Complain or comment on about how he’s raised. Insist on balanced food choices.   Question your parenting in any way.  I won’t give a hoot what [stepson] thinks about me.  I’ll just be your loving wife.  A role that I’m pretty good at.

That doesn’t mean I won’t help.   If you need me take over a task or chore in order for you to get results, by all means ask.  I will help.   I won’t be involved in parenting, but I’ll be there for you.

My dearest husband

•September 26, 2011 • 4 Comments

When we met 5 years ago, I had my eyes wide open to your situation with your ex. My own past with my ex was very similar in a lot of ways. At that time, your ex-wife had left you and your daughter for 6 months in abandonment of her parental responsibilities and her marriage. Your daughter was young, innocent and had the slight hint of developing psychological scars. My heart opened to your daughter and she latched to me for a mother figure that could provide consistency in her life and something she lacked in her relationship with her mother. She turned to me in times of turmoil and misunderstanding for the behaviors of her mother. I was more than happy to take on that role as a friend and mother figure in her life.

Unfortunately, during our 3 plus year courtship, we dealt with such tremendous events and drama instigated and manipulated by your ex-wife. It left many deep wounds and scars that still to this day have not healed. After realizing what she walked away from, your ex-wife was bound and determined to destroy us and the connection we had. She left no stone unturned…and she continues to turn over any stone she can find….. I can honestly say most women out there would not have put up with the stalking, the attacks, and the consistent lack of boundaries and respect that I endured. I look back at all that has happened and say to myself, how did I ever survive it?  I survived it and tolerated it because I was bound and determined to keep us and our deep soul connection alive and I did not want to give the power to someone else to take you from me. Besides my son, I have never loved anyone with every inch of my being. Nor has anyone, not even my parents, and my best friends, have ever understood or appreciated me like you have.

When we finally rebuilt our foundation with a lot of soul searching in our partnership and a lot of work to keep our goal of being together first, we walked down that aisle. Just over 1 year ago. Since that marriage, the last 12 plus months there has still been the constant challenges with your ex-wife in regards to her stalking you and ignoring my existence..but unfortunately, there has been a huge shift in my relationship with your daughter. When your ex-wife knew that she could not likely break us, she focused all her energies with parental alienation of her daughter towards me. In further frustration, your daughter has grown and has developed a lot of unhealthy modeling behaviors that we see in her mother. You and I have had a lot of discussions lately about this and my frustration that I have felt that the parental alienation against me is completely off your radar….I don’t get a lot of validation for my beliefs in that category.  In the end, what has happened is your daughter treats me like her mother treats me. I in essence live with a miniature version of her mother. I told you a few months ago that I feel like I am living an 8 year jail sentence…..until she turns 18 and will likely move on and out. You suggested family therapy but of course never initiated. With her sporadic meanness towards me and my son, I developed a very hard detachment from her. A wall around myself not to subject myself to being hurt if I open myself up to her and then she turns on me. I treated her with respect but I won’t deny I closed myself off emotionally from her. I had no choice at the time. It was my only self-preservation for what I was being confronted with….and her mother’s tactics were still present. It was the only way to survive in my own home.

This recent development of her mother leaving again for what she reports is a 4 week deal has brought up all the underlying challenges again. She says she will return. We shall see and we shall see for how long. We are in disagreement with this recent deal. Either way, this is going to be an ongoing back and forth leave and come for the next several years or she will finally leave permanently. Either way we will deal with the incessantly unending disruption of our lives, unnecessary stress and psychological ramifications in your daughter and all the other family members.  I just don’t know if I have it in me.

What people don’t think of, is it’s not just about the child? The step mother has an unfair expectation on her. She is expected to love and shelter and protect that child because she took an oath with the father. Resentments or anger is supposed to be set aside because ….that’s not fair to the child.  I am just not one of those people that can turn off the valve like that. Is it fair for me to let go of past hurts on how your daughter has rejected me in the last 12 months and love her openly because she has such a horrible mother that has now abandoned her again. Believe me, I want too. My heart aches for her but my anger is more pronounced. My resentment runs deeper. The last several weeks her mother started up this abandonment due to other issues and our schedules were completely disrupted. We were dictated to show up here and there when she wanted us too. Now this. Now we had less than 12 hour’s notice that we were 24/7. I grapple with the responsibilities this involves. I know it might sound selfish to be angry and resentful but is it? I did not bare this child. I did not make her and bring her into the world. I accepted being a step mother but did I really sign up for full duty at the whims of her mother? I am trying so hard to take the high road but I have lost sight of it. I am so resentful of you and your daughter and everything I have been put through. I really did not get much support in the last 12 months when she treated me like a door mat…a maid. Now I am supposed to let go of those feelings that have not gone away and open myself up and be a pseudo mom. It could only be 4 weeks but it could be 6 months as well. We just don’t know. When her mother returns and your daughter is elated and feels she has to turn on me again to keep her mother to stay, is it fair to me?

What’s worse in the situation is we both have very deep differences in response to this behavior. There has been more times than not I have insisted you pursue the courts for full custody and decision making but you have always took the non-conflict way of letting her screw with us at every turn. Before I married you, I had to come to terms and accept your way of how to handle these situations. I did relinquish to support you in how you decided to deal with the things on how they came up, majority of the time. But….this recent deal…..I don’t know. I just can’t accept a no conflict way. I just can’t accept setting in motion a pattern of letting her come and go.

I am at a significant crossroad. I know I can’t leave you. I love you with every ounce of my being. But I am not sure my mental health and physical health can take this psychological beating every week. What’s ironic is that every time we get to a point of stabilizing ourselves and being on a committed path on how we approach things….I find something happens to test us. I just want the tests to stop.  You would say the situation is much better and less dramatic than in the beginning…is it? I don’t think so…it’s just the same tests but in a different form. How much drama does one subject themselves of for the ones that they love? Where is the breaking point? When does it stop? I just can’t have the positive outlook as you that it will get better. It isn’t getting better. I will never get better.  I know I can’t leave you. I can’t be the one that does but deep down there are many days where I wish you would just release me ….but you never will. That’s where our deep soul mate connection comes in. That underlying wave and momentum of love…. I just don’t know what the answer is. Do I leave for a month to figure it out myself? That would be ironic for my own ex-husband wouldn’t it? Do I file for divorce? Do I get counseling? What the hell do I do at this point? I can’t escape it either way.  I keep thinking about the story that therapist tell you about parenting…being on a plane and using the oxygen mask for yourself first…..if I do that and I answer to my health first, is losing you just going to destroy me anyway?  She wins then. She absolutely wins and that I know I cannot live with.  So am I just going to be in constant ups and downs until your daughter is on her own? I just don’t know the answer.

I wish I had a magic ball at this point. I wish I had a guardian angel or someone on the other side that can guide me in this decision….someone that will validate I should stay with you. Someone to tell me to stay the course, dig deep and find the strength…someone to assure me that there will still be more good times then bad times.  I am silently waiting.

Dear Biological Monster

•September 14, 2011 • 6 Comments

For the third time this year, you have taken the children away from us because you think it is in their “best interests”.  I find this quite laughable as all we have done is ask you to be more reasonable when it comes to access to the children but being the irrational and idiotic person that you are you have yet again used the children as weapons against us…Nice one.

The children have a father who they love spending time with and I know you would like to pretend that they don’t or that your current significant other is their real father.  However, they have one and regardless of how YOU feel about him, he has every right to see the children.

You shut him out of every decision that affects the upbringing of the children; we do not even know who the children’s doctor is and then you accuse us of not taking an interest.  Then when we do ask and request information from you we get a mountain of verbal abuse about how we are interfering or we get the door slammed in our faces.  At the end of the day, the children need BOTH of their parents (although sometimes I really wish they didn’t need you) and you should be grateful that their father fights so hard for them, because not everyone would.

Your martyr act is getting old and I won’t tolerate it any longer, it was YOU who ended your relationship, it was YOU who cheated and it was YOU who threw their dad out.  I do not care that you are finding life a struggle, you chose to have these kids but you do not seem to want to take any responsibility for them or for their problematic behaviour.  You seem to find it acceptable to call us at all hours of the day and night yelling abuse and throwing defamatory remarks around in front of the children when they are misbehaving and you can no longer control them and you want us to fix the problem.  LOL.  It is not our problem you are an incompetent mother.

Get a JOB a real one where you actually declare it to the jobcentre and stop scrounging off the taxpayers.  If you cannot afford to live without the child support coming in you should both get off your lazy backsides and get jobs.  You claim to be a stay at home mom, fine, but that is your and your significant other’s choice, and again, as you cannot afford to live without the CS coming in, it is definitely a bad one.  Whilst I’m on the subject of finances I am going to point out that my income does not entitle you to get more money from my boyfriend and what I spend my hard earned money on is my decision and has nothing to do with you!  It is ME who is still paying for your damned wedding because you refuse to pay the loan and it is ME who has to pay for the loan my boyfriend stupidly took out for your mother because you nagged him so much.  Therefore, you can shove your sense of entitlement right up your skanky ass because you are nothing but a scrounging, benefit-cheating whore.

It is not our fault that you are unable to plan your money properly and spend it pissing it down the drain on drunken night’s out that I have bore witness to more than once so do not expect a penny more from us when you can’t afford uniforms and shoes.  This is going to be a very hard concept for you to grasp but that money is for the children, not for you but it’s nice to see you spending it so wisely.

You can tell me to back off all you want but being as it’s me that has to clear up all your messes means that you do not get an opinion on how I look after “your” children until you can support yourself without CS from my boyfriend. No job, no opinion so shut your trap until you are a contributing member of society and not an entitlement and CS breeder.

My personal life is none of your business, I have a career and prospects (unlike you), I do not drink (unlike you), I do not take drugs (unlike you – (it may well have been in the past but I’m not so stupid to think that you don’t take the occasional hit of weed being as you live with a massive stoner)) AND unlike you I can manage to hold down a full-time job and a university course because that’s just how awesome I am.  I have never put the children anywhere close to danger or harm and their well-being is of the utmost importance to me (unlike you) so, therefore, how I live my life has nothing to do with you.

I really feel it’s time you got over your uterus.  I don’t yet have children of my own (please bear particular notice to the word yet) but that does not mean I do not know how to take care of a child.  You complain incessantly that I am not responsible enough to be around your children because I don’t have any experience of dealing with children.  I’d say helping to raise my 2 nephews and a niece is more than enough experience, just because I didn’t turn my vagina into the bat-cave at the age of 19 doesn’t mean that I can’t parent.

When the children are with us they spend their time using their imaginations, playing in the back garden or interacting with other children when we take them to the park, they read books, practise their handwriting and arithmetic and actually get to do their homework.  None of which they do with you because you all you do is park them in front of the TV, Xbox or Wii to keep them quiet, this is not what I would call spending constructive time with your children and their learning difficulties are your fault because all you do is play videogames with them.  Oh, and letting your 7 year old play Halo is not being a responsible parent now is it so you can stop with the crap about how my 7 year old stepson is missing out because we won’t allow him to play Halo at our house because it ain’t happening bitch so get over it.  The age-restrictions on games are there for a reason.

I am fully aware that I am not your children’s mother and so are they.  Whilst you are happy to take all of our money, you then deny us access every time you get ants in your pants because you are unable to take responsibility for the dipshit decisions YOU have made in your life.

You might have been married to my boyfriend and you might be the mother of his kids but we despise you and, personally, I would never be friends with a worthless piece of crap like you because not only do you lack a moral compass you are also nothing but a parasite.  You have no room in our lives or our relationship.  I have to tolerate you being around because of the children, they need people around them who love them, and I love your kids as if they are my own so you need to GET OVER IT.

To BioMom from StepMom – Suggested Rules (a compilation)

•September 8, 2011 • 11 Comments

Dear Biological Mother,
It’s your arch enemy the step mom. I really enjoy getting my daily laugh out of the lists, restrictions and rules you feel you can put on me in my own home. I am fully capable of understanding what BOUNDARIES are and have enough common sense to understand when and where I am needed. I am fully aware that I am not your child(ren)’s mother and while I may help raise them because you are a worthless piece of crap/too busy partying it up/non exsistant, that fact does not escape me. However, I am tired of you thinking because you are the MOOOOOOM you can do whatever you want when it comes to MY husband and MY home. So hunny, here are a few rules for you.

1) Don’t buy presents from the kids for my husband. – I am fully capable of getting in my car and driving to the store with the kids and having them pick out something for my husband for father’s day or his birthday or Christmas. I am fully capable of having them actually make him something that reflects their interests and then instead of making it myself. Also, and though you will disagree, I know my husband’s interests as of this moment in time. You may have been with him first, but I can pretty much guarantee he is not the same person he was when he was with you, therefore that gargoyle fountain that you think he would just love and buy for him under the guise of it being from SD and SS because you think a turkey fryer is stupid, yeah…no….

2) Don’t come to my house and start crap. – I stay away from your house as much as humanly possible. I know what it feels like to have my territory invaded (cough cough) and I am not a big fan. It’s inevitable that you will HAVE to come to my house at some point to pick up/drop off the kids. It does not need to end with a shouting match in my driveway with my husband, especially not in front of the kids. Stay your fat ass in your car, if you get antsy I’ll even let you honk your horn and not grind my teeth about it. Trust me, DH and I are well aware of when you show up, and as soon as your car pulls in the driveway, we are corraling the kids out the door to avoid interaction with you on a personal level.

3)Don’t talk to me. – If you haven’t spoken to me in five years, don’t suddenly think you are going to pass on vital information about the kids to me. I don’t particularly want to speak with you. You had kids with my husband. Talk to him. Especially if you are just going to send him an e-mail with the exact same information later, there’s no need to speak with me. I’m perfectly happy getting the information from my husband thank you.

4) The kids have a father. – I know you’d like to pretend that they don’t or that your current significant other is their real father. However, they have one and regardless of how YOU feel about him, he is involved in their well being. Don’t try to shut him out of medical decisions, leave him off school forms, or get mad when their father does something for the kids. At the end of the day, these kids need BOTH their parents and honestly you should be grateful that their father fights so hard for them, because not everyone would.

5) I am not the enemy. – Yes, I loath you. On a personal level I would never be friends with you because I find you disturbing. However, I am not the enemy. I don’t live my life solely to make your children love me more than you or try to replace you as their mother. They and I both know that I didn’t give birth to them. Children need people who love them, and guess what I love them, and you need to get over it.

6) Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but it’s really creepy… – You do realize when you show up at my house in a brand new car after I just bought one, I’m standing in the living room laughing at you right? When you go out and buy the exact same couch I have, and I find out about it (trust me, I’ll find out) it’s really kind of pathetic. I know it’s hard to be your own person, but trust me, you’ll never get an inch of my awesomeness so don’t bother trying. Not to mention, you don’t look near as good in skirts as I do.

7) Don’t expect me to sit around and wait for you to get off your butt to do a first. – I understand that you may want to do the first mani/pedi with your daughter. I understand that you may want to be the one that teaches her all about shaving her legs. However, do not expect me to sit around and wait for you to hop to it, especially when your daughter is running around looking like Chewbacca. I’m not going to sit there and let the children suffer because you are lazy. And trust me, whatever “wrath” you come up with after they come home rolls off my shoulders because I know I still did the right thing no matter how pissed off you are about it. If your daughter begs you to get her ears pierced for five months and you put it off, you loose your right to yell at me and my husband about taking her. So suck it up and try being pro-active if you want these firsts.

8 ) Co-parenting needs to be consistant, not just when it’s what YOU want. – So SS punched a kid in the stomach and you want him grounded. Wonderful, we are happy to invoke the same restriction period at our house. However, when SD gets written up at school for yelling at her teacher and we ground her, we expect the same curtosy from you. I don’t care if your grandfather is in a nursing home. I don’t care if your mother is visiting. If you want to co-parent, fantastic, but it needs to be all the time, not just when it’s convienent for you. Trust me, if we don’t think a punishment is appropriate, we will tell you and the kids tell it when you let them watch Prince of Persia at midnight instead of them being grounded from the TV for not doing their homework….

9) Look up your children’s schedules. – I am not your slave. I know you know my husband didn’t suddenly get responsible (he is a man after all) and start keeping up with the kids schedules on his own. That would be me. However, if you think that I am going to e-mail you once a week with reminders…that would be a no. I don’t care that you are going to school, and have three whole people’s schedules to keep up with and work full time cause guess what, I do the same with more people and manage to do it just fine. It doesn’t affect me when you don’t show up at Open House but trust me, your kid notices, and it’s not my husband’s fault you didn’t get the memo…

10) At least pretend you respect the things we choose to share with the kids. – So I chose to make sure that your daughter doesn’t read inappropriate books on her own by pre-screening supernatural tween fiction and allowing her to read a selection of books. There’s no need to be a jerk about it and there’s no need to throw my books in the trash can. This is something that your daughter and I share. So I take your son cat fishing sometimes. There’s really no need to talk bad about it and tell him that’s stupid and we are broke and lazy therefore we don’t do anything FUN with them. Guess what, up until two seconds ago, cat fishing WAS fun to him. If you want to waste thousands of dollars on movies, pizza, go carts, etc, that’s fine, go right ahead, but this family is still trying to live after you get your massive child support so excuse us if we try to show the kids joy in the little things. Do your thing, and we will do ours.

11) Child Support, learn what it is for. – We are not giving you extra money for rollerblades. We are not giving you extra money for school clothes. We are not giving you extra money for pedicures or your car note. It is not our problem if you just went and bought a house and a brand new fridge and you are strapped until the end of the year. That was YOUR choice. Not ours. And it sure didn’t cure your Jimmy Choo’s habit. We do for the kids on our time AND we pay child support. Child support is FOR THE CHILDREN. I know it’s a hard concept but that’s the cover things for the child….and no, letting SD wear your Manolo’s to church does not count.

12) Stay away from your ex’s family. – Guess what? You cheated and left their son/grandson/brother for another man. THEY DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. They might be nice to your face because you are half the reigns to their grandchildren/neices/nephews but they despise you. You aren’t invited to family reuinions. You aren’t invited to birthday parties. And you sure as hell aren’t invited to read the eulogy at Memaw’s funeral. Doesn’t your new man have a family? Go bug them please. This also applies to my husband’s friends. Especially the life long ones.

13) You aren’t getting me in trouble. – Those little jabs you try to make at me by telling my husband something I said/did, those aren’t getting me in trouble. I can make you a bet that anything I say or do, my husband either approves or knows about in advance, especially when it comes to the kids. And by the way, we have better things to do than sit around and talk smack about you.

14) I don’t “play house”. – Just saying.

15) My personal life is really non of your concern. – Unless I’m a stripper and taking your kids to work with me, my personal life is non of your concern. Pumping the kids for information on my promotion, or what my husband bought me for my 30th birthday, or how we could afford to re-tile the house really makes you look pathetic and childish. Besides the fact that it’s non of your damn business and our financial decisions aren’t something we share with the kids anyway. Duh.

16) Get Over Your Uterus – Just because I didn’t have my own children doesn’t mean I don’t know how to take care of one. So when your child has bronchitis, don’t get pissed off when I tell you and happen to be right just because YOU didn’t diagnose it. I know how to take care of a sick kid, a happy kid, a sad kid, a loving kid. Just because I didn’t turn my vagina into a clown car doesn’t mean I can’t parent.

17.) If you start off threatening to kill me and being hateful, do not expect me to believe you’ve changed or start being your BFF because you’re acting sane for 15 minutes one day. I know your history, and I know how you are. I don’t trust you, and I don’t like you, and I don’t really care if you want to apologize. It’s not happening, because I know you’ll just do the same thing next time you have another imagined slight.

18.) My husband is NOT your friend. I know you think you have secrets with him and he doesn’t tell me what you say, but guess what: he DOES tell me every thing you say and do. If he liked you enough to be your friend, I’m sure you could have made your relationship work, but he doesn’t, because you’re insane.

19.) Get a JOB. If you cannot afford to live without the child support coming in, get off your ass and get a job. If you’re a stay at home mom, fine, but that is your and your husband/baby daddy’s choice, and again, if you cannot afford to live without the CS coming in, it’s probably a bad one. Lack of financial planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part.

20) Dont play martyr with ME! You chose to have these kids, you chose to divorce, you chose to have this woe-is-me attitude when it suits you – but thats not MY problem – its yours, so dont expect sympathy for decisions you chose to make. Your fuck ups belong purely with you, and your accomplishments making your life oh-so-hard dont make me feel for you. They make me laugh at your terrible prioritising skills.

21)My income does not entitle you to get more money from your ex. Buying myself a car with my money from my job that I go to every single day and bust my ass at does not mean that you should be getting more CS. I am not responsible for your child. my money and what I buy with it is none of your business.

22)The strain your CS obligation to my SS puts on your ability to support your subsequent and non joint spawn is not my problem. You had three more out of wedlock spawn with two more donors. Deal with it. And damned straight I am going to have my spouse go for more CS when you bitch, moan and whine about how unfair the consequences of your dipshit decisions are. You may not like the fact that my SS gets priority over your subsequent spawn. He is your oldest and should not suffer because of your inability to learn from the mistakes of your youth. If you can’t feed’em don’t breed’em.

23) Parking your kid in front of a video game or playing WoW all night with him is not parenting. Yes, you ARE responsible for him nearly failing HS and if it were not for his dad and I forcibly extricating his head from his ass my SS would be living on your couch, playing video games just like you. Spounging off of your parents does not make you a viable adult.

24) You do not get an opinion on parenting my SKids until you can support yourself without CS from my husband. No job, no opinion so shut up until you are a contributing member of society and not an entitlement and CS breeder.

23) I have been married to my husband for far longer than you were with him.  In fact he married me and refused to marry you. He chose me to be his wife, spend his life with and help him raise his children.  I have his present and his future.  You should consider that all you have of him is his past.before  you fill his children with your revisionist recollections of the past.  Most importantly you must never forget that the youngest one you tried to claim was his … is not.  You cheated which was the last straw for my husband.  You should be greatful that we accept your youngest child in to our home as one of our own with his older sister and brothers.  We are the people of character in the lives of your children.  You are not.

Dear Ex-Wife

•August 30, 2011 • 5 Comments

I find it so rude when you send my husband a text message demanding something of him. Be it keeping the kids later, doing special homework or running errands for the kids, you rarely use “please” or “thank you.” You schedule events for the children during our time and then fail to give us timely notice or an option to decline. Our family life does not revolve around your family life. We make our own plans and we do not need to tell you about them if they do not interfere with pickup or drop off time.

I know you have manners, I have seen messages before where you are polite. So stop being such a troll and say “please schedule the children for a haircut next week” instead of “the boys have a haircut at 3pm on Saturday at XYZ at my overpriced stylist, you need to take them.” You may not realize this, but we do pay you an insane amount of child support and if we have to pay for the haircuts and take them then we get to decide where to take them. If I can be courteous to my ex-husband when scheduling events during his time with our child then surely you can do the same with your ex-husband too.