Dear Golden Womb Bio-Mom,

I married the bio-dad. That’s right, I am his wife and you have no room in our personal relationship. You have no right to get involved in our personal lives that has nothing to do with you or your guy’s daughter. You decided to abuse him and that’s why he never gave you another thought. I’ve dated him since before the child was born, and have been married to him 4 out of the 5 years my stepdaughter has been in this world. You decided to not allow my husband to be involved, you told him she wasn’t his child, you consistently threatened to call the cops if he ever tried to see her. We could not afford an attorney to fight for rights on minimum wage, so the only thing YOU did was confuse your daughter. (Having your one year old child call all those men “daddy” when she had one that was trying to better himself to be able to take care of her, you know the college, the internship non paid, to the actual job).

You cannot tell me to just “back off.” As the financial planner, family involvement and event planner, and overall knowledge bank of the family, I cannot simply “disappear” without consequences. If you and my husband decide to talk about anything to do with times for visitations (which I am always there to pick her up and always there to drop her off, which means you are impeding on my schedule if you change anything) I must be consulted. If you decide that your guy’s daughter needs any financial help other than the said child support and full health insurance (I am the bank, the saver, and the one who watches the finances. Don’t forget about the full health insurance that my husband is court ordered to provide is never used by you simply to keep us from knowing where she has been.) I must be consulted. Those things simply cannot be “just” about you and my husband. I watch my step-daughter 75% of the time you allow her to spend with us because my husband works so hard to provide for both homes. (even if you only give us about 60% of what is court ordered and continue to not allow her share items between homes, one for you over there and one for her over here.) She loves me dearly and all you are doing to her is making her feel insecure in her choices. I have the ability to discipline her how my husband and I see fit. It is not ok for only “blood” relations to discipline her. (Why would you allow her grandfather and her uncle to discipline her over her father‘s wife who‘s been around since before birth?) Why would I wait for my husband to come home to discipline?

With all the issues that children and teens deal with why would you want to give her a eating disorder before she’s even three? Your daughter is NOT allergic to vegetables. Telling her repeatedly that she is and she will throw up is wrong. Your daughter spent two years of her life in emotional and mental hell, causing herself to throw up at any bite of vegetables, except corn. We have hid them in tons of meals and she never got sick, not ONCE. Its all in her head, thanks to you. Just because a baby spits up the baby-food does NOT mean they are allergic to it! You hate your weight and that’s why you are “dieting.” Don’t you believe that your eating habits caused your weight gain? So in return can’t you foresee the pattern for your own daughter? Here’s a clue, “your” little dearest is letting us know that your boyfriend is having her lie to you about what she eats, apparently she eats a ton more McDonalds than you know of. (she doesn’t like spegetti-o’s just so you know!)

You may not want her father to attend the school or the doctor appointments, but joint means both, together, you know bio-mom with bio-dad. You can change doctors, hospitals, and schools, but we will still try to be involved, will still nag you to tell us about the doctor appoints, still demand that bio-dad be allowed to attend, and still cooperate to the best of our abilities. Having her father involved in her health can continue to give her positive self image. Having her father be involved in school can help her continue to follow through, have another person to get help from, and be a great tool for the school that needs help from parents.

Now the so much to do part. Your not going to like this. I am still going to attend all mediations, court dates, attorney visits, school functions (that don’t clash with our schedule), doctors appointments (the ones we know of), and life events. I am still going to LOVE my stepdaughter as much as my husband and I’s son. I am still going to continue to be involved, because I’m not an “object” to just be sat on the shelf when you guys are around. I am still going to keep her involved in all of her family. I am still going to let her be a child and play with others. I am still going to teach her. I am still going to encourage, demand respect, and reconcile her. I will still let her be her. I am still going to be her STEP MOTHER. Now I know how much you HATE that. (given the chat message stating “just so you know she will not be her stepmother”)

The last thing I want to leave you with is, I hope that one day you will heal. I hope that you will find happiness so you wont feel whatever it is inside you that makes you do what you do, say what you say, and continue to do more harm than good. I really hope that one day we can be friends or at least be able to get a cup of coffee and speak about the things that are going on in that very special little girls life. I love my stepdaughter and the feelings grow deeper with each passing day. I may not have had the built in love that you got when having your daughter, but earning it my way is extremely rewarding.

With anticipation,

“mommyminni”

 

 

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~ by Jacquelyn Fletcher on August 18, 2011.

12 Responses to “Dear Golden Womb Bio-Mom,”

  1. it sounds to me like u are overinvolved and taking on responsibilites that are none of your concern. I know u dont wanna hear this, but you ARE “just” the stepmom. You arent the mother no matter how much you try to insert yourself or replace her. I am a stepmom & a biomom and I’m fimiliar with both sides

    Im respectful enough not to intrude in my husband & ex’s parental affairs. Be supportive of your husband but dont fight his battles for him. No judge in thier right mind would aloow you to have a say in that childs life for one reason. Youre not her parent. I’m sorry. I know it’s harsh but I’ve watched the judge tear my ex husband’s new wife down bc she tried to control situations that werent even her concern or place

    Good Luck to you…

    • I don’t want to control anything except what she has no right to control. And to be honest I don’t want to be this child’s mother.

      Can you say you have the right to say “i’m dropping off the child/children (not at said time) and since BD is working you need to come pick them up right now and if you don’t BD forfeits his time with SD.” or do you have the right to say “You have extra money saved up, so spend it on these things I need for SD because I spent your child support on me.”

      BD is unable to attend a lot of school functions, a lot of medical appointments, and is unable to plan most of whats going on due to his six days on one day off schedule. So what, because BM doesn’t want BD involved at all, and his work schedule requires to know about days off three weeks ahead of time, SD should not someone from this side of the family be involved. Are you saying I shouldn’t still be actively involved in her schooling giving her a positive and the only relationship in school to actually put forth the effort for SD?

      Are you saying I should hire a babysitter for just SD because I am “taking on responsibilities that are none of my concern” You do not believe that my support for SD is just that SUPPORTIVE. I am an active parent for our child, so when SD is here should I just be active with my son? When SD has an event come up should I sit back and say, well since BD didn’t know in time and BM isn’t going I should just allow her to be alone? Are you saying I should treat her different, give her different rules just because she is in a court order issue between BM and BD? So when the neighborhood friends come over our household rules dont apply to them either?

      Are you saying I should allow BM to make choices that effect my husband and I’s child as well? Yes there is a lot of animosity in this letter, but because BM has no boundaries, stalking myself and friends, consistently pressing her daughter for information and then calling to talk about it, and all around making what should also be our choice, for us, there is a lot of tension.

      • Sorry, like I said when I wrote that post, I know it’s harsh. I had to deal with the Bio mom in my situation stalking and interfering and I gotta tell you…it’s enough to make you really hate her. I do understand. I guess I’m trying to leave you with some word of wisdom I wish I had known…like don’t fight my husband’s battles for him. There is no thankyou in it for you, only animosity and hurt. He should step up a little more and not put you in the middle of it as much.

        If he can’t properly parent the child due to his work schedule, he should not put it on you, he should find a new job. And I realize you do care for the daughter, obviously and you feel compelled to be a “mother” for her but sometimes detachment is all that is left for you to remain emotionally healthy & most importanty: SANE.

        It took me realizing, hey this isn’t my child. She may not parent like I do, but he isn’t in danger by her & all I am doing is making it hard on myself. Let it go. Release. Detach. Give the responsibility back to her & your husband. Where it belongs. For your sake

        Just trying to help. Best of luck

      • I forgot to address the part about her demanding the child be picked up and if not dad forfeits his time. If dad or someone he designates cannot pick up the child at the court ordered time, then dad does forfeit his time. Mom cannot be expected to sit around and wait because dad has to work late. The times are set for a reason. So that everyone can continue on with their life instead of waiting around for someone to show up.

        Mom should be more accomodating if dad gives notice that it will be later or maybe the next morning but she doesn’t have to be if their is an order for a certain time for pick up.

  2. ‘ joint means both, together, you know bio-mom with bio-dad’

    That is exactly what it means… mom and dad…

    You are contradicting your entire letter by saying this. There is a lot of ‘we’ and a lot of ‘i’. Where is dad, why isn’t dad spending more time with his daughter?

    I completely understand where you are. I get that. But you have a lot of vindictive points in this letter.

    It sounds like you are just wanting to throw in Mom’s face that you do everything while dad does nothing. That’s just what it reads in my opinion.

    I really hope that time will heal. I’m sure a lot of the animosity that you are getting from mom stems from you being in the picture before the little girl was born. I am sure this festers a lot of contempt not only from mom but within you as well. You all would benefit from therapy. Together would help. It is so important to get over the ‘past’ and be in the here and now. I hope like you said that one day you and the mother of this little girl you both love so much can be cordial. I doubt you will ever be friends. I really believe that as time passes, she will see that you are a good person to be in her little girls life and she will respect you for all you do while dad is not available to do these things himself.

    Good Luck to you

    • The point I was trying to get across is although there is mom and dad responsibilities, I have my own responsibilities with SD. I dont consider it vindictive I consider it still giving my SD another person to continue to support her. BD works six days a week for a company that is all commission and based off of jobs. I am the one that stays home with the kids and keeps things “going.”

      • That’s ok and I understand but the ‘BD has to work’ doesn’t fly in court. I’ve been down that road, heard that excuse and although I have a career as well, I can understand it’s important, it’s not as important as the child everyone is fighting over. A Judge told my daughter’s father to find a new job that would allow him to be a father. When a child is to be with their parent, they should be with their parent. That’s harsh but it is true. I am remarried and my husband does not do my job because I work. If I’m not available, she is with her dad. And vice versa. I had to find a family friendly company with pay I could *accept* so that I could be the parent I *chose* to be when I decided to have a baby. Maybe dad wouldn’t have to work so many long hours if you were in a two income home. I also know that it’s not always that simple but that is kind of where we are at. I was always a stay at home mom and I had to get a job to contribute so my husband wasn’t having to work such long hours to provide for our family.

        We are just trying to help. There is a solution. You just have to want a solution in order to fix the problem.

        As far as your comment above about mom asking for more money etc etc. No! Mom does not get to ask for more money. If your husband is paying child support, she needs to figure out on her own how to balance the check book and make it last. We all have to do that and don’t have anyone to fall back on. Your husband just needs to stand up and say no more, ignore, refuse. If the child is neglected then take her back to court and prove she is neglectful but it has to be your husband.

        My ex husband’s wife was right in the middle of our custody litigation and she was removed from the court room kicking and screaming because she demanded to be included. This involves her money, her home, her family… The judge told her, No it does not.

  3. Release…. it doesn’t come easy.

  4. Totally agree w/ Minni about release!!! This has changed my life, my marriage and life w/ my residential SD. Our first year of marriage was rough…I wanted things my way, I thought my husband should discipline how I thought was the right way, I almost killed myself trying to make our house all warm and fuzzy w/ happy (but manufactured) memories and traditions, cooking 6 nights a week, etc etc. I realized one day, that my husband and I were at odds a lot, I really did not like my SD, and I was going insane. Something had to change. I told my husband that I love him more than I love my SD and that my relationship w/ him was my priority, not my relationship w/ SD. I quit micromanaging, I quit caring about how he disciplined her, or not, I quit caring if her clothes matched, if her hair was brushed, if she had lunch $$ or not, if her Hw was done, etc. Note, I didnt quit caring about HER. I love her, and give her hugs and try to do fun stuff w/ her somtimes, but the fact is, I am JUST her stepmom. If I left tomorrow, after the inital WTF, she wouldn’t hardly think about it. That reality doenst hurt me anymore. It is glorious, because it allows me to be me. If everyone’s honest…no one grows up saying “ooooo I want to be a stepmom one day” –it sucks on a lot of days, is fairly tolerable on a good day and makes you want to go screaming for the hills on a bad day. So I put all this pressure on myself to have this maternal instinct for a kid who was not mine. It did not mesh. I was going nutty and disliking my husband by proxy. I only felt like myself on weekends she went w/ her mom, so 26 days out of a month I felt like a stranger to myself. Good times. Then I decided to let it go. Let go of stuff and let my husband be a dad and take a leadership role in our house and w/ his kid. duh. sounds silly that was some big “aha” moment, but it was. I have no idea what her homework has been this week… but I dont have to. that’s why she has a dad. I have no idea how much lunch $ she has in her account…but I dont have to. that’s why she has a dad. Anyway, we have fun and most days lately are really quite lovely with my SD and even lovlier w/ my husband. I was a shell of myself, filled with some blank stare, pasted smile, honey tone of voice, trying to be sweet-but-seething-underneath woman and it was time to end. I am Sarah now, not trying to be super stepmom…just trying to be Sarah everyday…that is, afterall, who my husband fell in love with. I am fortunate because my husband is an amazing man and I get to quit caring about a lot of the stuff because he handles it every single time, but I wouldnt have known that if i refused to let it go. Good luck letting it go…it really is the only way. Highly recommend “Stepmonster” by Wednesday Martin. Awesome book.

    • Very well written. Couldn’t agree more ♥

    • I love Sarah’s comment. Very well said and I applaud you. This is amazing. You should blog or write a book. If more stepparents realized the ‘aha’ moment I really think the entire ‘system’ would fall in to place and WORK for each family. Dad needs to be dad. That is his job. The job he picked. The Job he wanted when he decided he wanted custody or visitation. It’s so unfair (I hate to say things aren’t fair) that some people (more dad’s than mom’s) will put their ‘jobs’ off on to their spouse without even blinking. If they put their ‘career’ off on to someone else, they would no longer have a career… Get what I mean.

      Good Job!!

    • Thanks Sarah! That is exactly what I work to do every day and, trust me, it is a process every day. 🙂 It seems to be the only thing that has given me some peace/sanity. I haven’t read “Stepmonster” yet, but I will. I also really liked “A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom” and “Stepcoupling”. Thanks again for your insight – it makes me feel like I actually may not be failing and I’m definitely not alone!

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