Dear Golden Womb Bio-Mom,

I married the bio-dad. That’s right, I am his wife and you have no room in our personal relationship. You have no right to get involved in our personal lives that has nothing to do with you or your guy’s daughter. You decided to abuse him and that’s why he never gave you another thought. I’ve dated him since before the child was born, and have been married to him 4 out of the 5 years my stepdaughter has been in this world. You decided to not allow my husband to be involved, you told him she wasn’t his child, you consistently threatened to call the cops if he ever tried to see her. We could not afford an attorney to fight for rights on minimum wage, so the only thing YOU did was confuse your daughter. (Having your one year old child call all those men “daddy” when she had one that was trying to better himself to be able to take care of her, you know the college, the internship non paid, to the actual job).

You cannot tell me to just “back off.” As the financial planner, family involvement and event planner, and overall knowledge bank of the family, I cannot simply “disappear” without consequences. If you and my husband decide to talk about anything to do with times for visitations (which I am always there to pick her up and always there to drop her off, which means you are impeding on my schedule if you change anything) I must be consulted. If you decide that your guy’s daughter needs any financial help other than the said child support and full health insurance (I am the bank, the saver, and the one who watches the finances. Don’t forget about the full health insurance that my husband is court ordered to provide is never used by you simply to keep us from knowing where she has been.) I must be consulted. Those things simply cannot be “just” about you and my husband. I watch my step-daughter 75% of the time you allow her to spend with us because my husband works so hard to provide for both homes. (even if you only give us about 60% of what is court ordered and continue to not allow her share items between homes, one for you over there and one for her over here.) She loves me dearly and all you are doing to her is making her feel insecure in her choices. I have the ability to discipline her how my husband and I see fit. It is not ok for only “blood” relations to discipline her. (Why would you allow her grandfather and her uncle to discipline her over her father‘s wife who‘s been around since before birth?) Why would I wait for my husband to come home to discipline?

With all the issues that children and teens deal with why would you want to give her a eating disorder before she’s even three? Your daughter is NOT allergic to vegetables. Telling her repeatedly that she is and she will throw up is wrong. Your daughter spent two years of her life in emotional and mental hell, causing herself to throw up at any bite of vegetables, except corn. We have hid them in tons of meals and she never got sick, not ONCE. Its all in her head, thanks to you. Just because a baby spits up the baby-food does NOT mean they are allergic to it! You hate your weight and that’s why you are “dieting.” Don’t you believe that your eating habits caused your weight gain? So in return can’t you foresee the pattern for your own daughter? Here’s a clue, “your” little dearest is letting us know that your boyfriend is having her lie to you about what she eats, apparently she eats a ton more McDonalds than you know of. (she doesn’t like spegetti-o’s just so you know!)

You may not want her father to attend the school or the doctor appointments, but joint means both, together, you know bio-mom with bio-dad. You can change doctors, hospitals, and schools, but we will still try to be involved, will still nag you to tell us about the doctor appoints, still demand that bio-dad be allowed to attend, and still cooperate to the best of our abilities. Having her father involved in her health can continue to give her positive self image. Having her father be involved in school can help her continue to follow through, have another person to get help from, and be a great tool for the school that needs help from parents.

Now the so much to do part. Your not going to like this. I am still going to attend all mediations, court dates, attorney visits, school functions (that don’t clash with our schedule), doctors appointments (the ones we know of), and life events. I am still going to LOVE my stepdaughter as much as my husband and I’s son. I am still going to continue to be involved, because I’m not an “object” to just be sat on the shelf when you guys are around. I am still going to keep her involved in all of her family. I am still going to let her be a child and play with others. I am still going to teach her. I am still going to encourage, demand respect, and reconcile her. I will still let her be her. I am still going to be her STEP MOTHER. Now I know how much you HATE that. (given the chat message stating “just so you know she will not be her stepmother”)

The last thing I want to leave you with is, I hope that one day you will heal. I hope that you will find happiness so you wont feel whatever it is inside you that makes you do what you do, say what you say, and continue to do more harm than good. I really hope that one day we can be friends or at least be able to get a cup of coffee and speak about the things that are going on in that very special little girls life. I love my stepdaughter and the feelings grow deeper with each passing day. I may not have had the built in love that you got when having your daughter, but earning it my way is extremely rewarding.

With anticipation,

“mommyminni”

 

 

~ by Jacquelyn Fletcher on August 18, 2011.