Dear Birth Mom

I know my husband has talked to you about this several times, but I never really get to put in my two cents, so here it is:

I know you don’t like the weekends my SD spends here, but we are her family too, and I’m not sure why you feel its’s necessary to try and keep us apart instead of helping to foster healthy relationships all around. Her sister and extremely hurt when she’s deprived of seeing her big sister. I know your sister is one of your closest friends, and I can’t see understand why you would try and keep SD from forming a similar one with hers. On the subject of family, mine matters too. My parents, siblings, and grandparents have welcomed SD with open arms from the day I started a relationship with my husband, but because of your restraints on allowing us to travel to their state with her, most have never been privliged enough to meet her. I’ve heard tonight that you are trying to railroad yet another trip for next summer, and I can’t help but be deeply hurt by this. We are so proud of her and have the right to introduce her to the family that questions how she’s doing in school, how her cheer/softball is going, sends her birthday cards, Christmas presents, and love on a regular basis. You can say you aren’t, but when we’ve not set the date for the trip, and you tell SD to tell us she has cheer camp during that time, it’s obvious. We don’t tell you when and where you can take her, so I don’t see how you believe you have the right to do it with us.

We understand that she is entering a transitional portion of her life when her social needs are becoming more important. But when we are only allotted four days a month with her, I feel that you should be considerate of our family needs and not ask her father to give up his (our) precious time with her. We relocated to be closer to her when she started school as we could no longer expect her to spend 10 days at our home, but now our visitations have been reduced from 10 days a month to 4. I don’t think you can fathom the difficulty we endure in trying to maintain relationships with her.

I guess what is mind boggling is that I have an ex-brother-in-law who never sees my niece and nephew, doesn’t call them except once or twice a year, or now when he’s facing going to jail for being $20,000 behind in child support, and it seems you would prefer that to having someone who genuinely loves his daughter, tries to stay involved, and just wants a great relationship with her.

I hope you can understand where I’m coming from; but if not, I’ll hope you’ll at least consider what I’ve said. Our family is hurting by not getting to spend more time with our daughter, but I know that she’ll understand someday that we loved her more than anything and fought for her the best way we knew how.


The Wicked One

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on November 12, 2011.

One Response to “Dear Birth Mom”

  1. Why do you call yourself the wicked one??

    I suggest your husband get an attorney. Controlling vacations, 4 days a month… Your husband should be allowed to take his daughter on vacation with no interruptions or plans to ruin it. My daughter’s father has her one over night a week and an additional 3 nights every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend. He often has her 10 nights a month and on longer months, he has her 14 days a month.

    From experience, it can be hard to let go in the early stages of family changes. I wish I could speak to Mom’s around the world and tell them that it WILL be ok. It makes me cringe when I hear these stories because I once acted this way. I cannot explain why, I most likely will never be able to get anyone that is not a mother and not an ex wife to understand the feelings one feels. It’s all very unsettling and very uneasy. I honestly can’t explain it. But I regret it, I learned from it, I will never be given the opportunity to prove myself and I really hope that as time goes on, this Mom learns to let it go and move on.

    The best opportunity we can give to our children is to allow them to be loved by so many people and they have so many resources in life called family. Extended family, biological, bonus, adopted, whatever- I never understood until I remarried and watched my in-law’s fall in love with my daughter… And in the end, that short time of uncertainty and being ‘one of those’ Mom’s, it’s actually very embarrassing. 🙂

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