To BioMom from StepMom – Suggested Rules (a compilation)

Dear Biological Mother,
It’s your arch enemy the step mom. I really enjoy getting my daily laugh out of the lists, restrictions and rules you feel you can put on me in my own home. I am fully capable of understanding what BOUNDARIES are and have enough common sense to understand when and where I am needed. I am fully aware that I am not your child(ren)’s mother and while I may help raise them because you are a worthless piece of crap/too busy partying it up/non exsistant, that fact does not escape me. However, I am tired of you thinking because you are the MOOOOOOM you can do whatever you want when it comes to MY husband and MY home. So hunny, here are a few rules for you.

1) Don’t buy presents from the kids for my husband. – I am fully capable of getting in my car and driving to the store with the kids and having them pick out something for my husband for father’s day or his birthday or Christmas. I am fully capable of having them actually make him something that reflects their interests and then instead of making it myself. Also, and though you will disagree, I know my husband’s interests as of this moment in time. You may have been with him first, but I can pretty much guarantee he is not the same person he was when he was with you, therefore that gargoyle fountain that you think he would just love and buy for him under the guise of it being from SD and SS because you think a turkey fryer is stupid, yeah…no….

2) Don’t come to my house and start crap. – I stay away from your house as much as humanly possible. I know what it feels like to have my territory invaded (cough cough) and I am not a big fan. It’s inevitable that you will HAVE to come to my house at some point to pick up/drop off the kids. It does not need to end with a shouting match in my driveway with my husband, especially not in front of the kids. Stay your fat ass in your car, if you get antsy I’ll even let you honk your horn and not grind my teeth about it. Trust me, DH and I are well aware of when you show up, and as soon as your car pulls in the driveway, we are corraling the kids out the door to avoid interaction with you on a personal level.

3)Don’t talk to me. – If you haven’t spoken to me in five years, don’t suddenly think you are going to pass on vital information about the kids to me. I don’t particularly want to speak with you. You had kids with my husband. Talk to him. Especially if you are just going to send him an e-mail with the exact same information later, there’s no need to speak with me. I’m perfectly happy getting the information from my husband thank you.

4) The kids have a father. – I know you’d like to pretend that they don’t or that your current significant other is their real father. However, they have one and regardless of how YOU feel about him, he is involved in their well being. Don’t try to shut him out of medical decisions, leave him off school forms, or get mad when their father does something for the kids. At the end of the day, these kids need BOTH their parents and honestly you should be grateful that their father fights so hard for them, because not everyone would.

5) I am not the enemy. – Yes, I loath you. On a personal level I would never be friends with you because I find you disturbing. However, I am not the enemy. I don’t live my life solely to make your children love me more than you or try to replace you as their mother. They and I both know that I didn’t give birth to them. Children need people who love them, and guess what I love them, and you need to get over it.

6) Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery but it’s really creepy… – You do realize when you show up at my house in a brand new car after I just bought one, I’m standing in the living room laughing at you right? When you go out and buy the exact same couch I have, and I find out about it (trust me, I’ll find out) it’s really kind of pathetic. I know it’s hard to be your own person, but trust me, you’ll never get an inch of my awesomeness so don’t bother trying. Not to mention, you don’t look near as good in skirts as I do.

7) Don’t expect me to sit around and wait for you to get off your butt to do a first. – I understand that you may want to do the first mani/pedi with your daughter. I understand that you may want to be the one that teaches her all about shaving her legs. However, do not expect me to sit around and wait for you to hop to it, especially when your daughter is running around looking like Chewbacca. I’m not going to sit there and let the children suffer because you are lazy. And trust me, whatever “wrath” you come up with after they come home rolls off my shoulders because I know I still did the right thing no matter how pissed off you are about it. If your daughter begs you to get her ears pierced for five months and you put it off, you loose your right to yell at me and my husband about taking her. So suck it up and try being pro-active if you want these firsts.

8 ) Co-parenting needs to be consistant, not just when it’s what YOU want. – So SS punched a kid in the stomach and you want him grounded. Wonderful, we are happy to invoke the same restriction period at our house. However, when SD gets written up at school for yelling at her teacher and we ground her, we expect the same curtosy from you. I don’t care if your grandfather is in a nursing home. I don’t care if your mother is visiting. If you want to co-parent, fantastic, but it needs to be all the time, not just when it’s convienent for you. Trust me, if we don’t think a punishment is appropriate, we will tell you and the kids tell it when you let them watch Prince of Persia at midnight instead of them being grounded from the TV for not doing their homework….

9) Look up your children’s schedules. – I am not your slave. I know you know my husband didn’t suddenly get responsible (he is a man after all) and start keeping up with the kids schedules on his own. That would be me. However, if you think that I am going to e-mail you once a week with reminders…that would be a no. I don’t care that you are going to school, and have three whole people’s schedules to keep up with and work full time cause guess what, I do the same with more people and manage to do it just fine. It doesn’t affect me when you don’t show up at Open House but trust me, your kid notices, and it’s not my husband’s fault you didn’t get the memo…

10) At least pretend you respect the things we choose to share with the kids. – So I chose to make sure that your daughter doesn’t read inappropriate books on her own by pre-screening supernatural tween fiction and allowing her to read a selection of books. There’s no need to be a jerk about it and there’s no need to throw my books in the trash can. This is something that your daughter and I share. So I take your son cat fishing sometimes. There’s really no need to talk bad about it and tell him that’s stupid and we are broke and lazy therefore we don’t do anything FUN with them. Guess what, up until two seconds ago, cat fishing WAS fun to him. If you want to waste thousands of dollars on movies, pizza, go carts, etc, that’s fine, go right ahead, but this family is still trying to live after you get your massive child support so excuse us if we try to show the kids joy in the little things. Do your thing, and we will do ours.

11) Child Support, learn what it is for. – We are not giving you extra money for rollerblades. We are not giving you extra money for school clothes. We are not giving you extra money for pedicures or your car note. It is not our problem if you just went and bought a house and a brand new fridge and you are strapped until the end of the year. That was YOUR choice. Not ours. And it sure didn’t cure your Jimmy Choo’s habit. We do for the kids on our time AND we pay child support. Child support is FOR THE CHILDREN. I know it’s a hard concept but that’s the cover things for the child….and no, letting SD wear your Manolo’s to church does not count.

12) Stay away from your ex’s family. – Guess what? You cheated and left their son/grandson/brother for another man. THEY DON’T LIKE YOU ANYMORE. They might be nice to your face because you are half the reigns to their grandchildren/neices/nephews but they despise you. You aren’t invited to family reuinions. You aren’t invited to birthday parties. And you sure as hell aren’t invited to read the eulogy at Memaw’s funeral. Doesn’t your new man have a family? Go bug them please. This also applies to my husband’s friends. Especially the life long ones.

13) You aren’t getting me in trouble. – Those little jabs you try to make at me by telling my husband something I said/did, those aren’t getting me in trouble. I can make you a bet that anything I say or do, my husband either approves or knows about in advance, especially when it comes to the kids. And by the way, we have better things to do than sit around and talk smack about you.

14) I don’t “play house”. – Just saying.

15) My personal life is really non of your concern. – Unless I’m a stripper and taking your kids to work with me, my personal life is non of your concern. Pumping the kids for information on my promotion, or what my husband bought me for my 30th birthday, or how we could afford to re-tile the house really makes you look pathetic and childish. Besides the fact that it’s non of your damn business and our financial decisions aren’t something we share with the kids anyway. Duh.

16) Get Over Your Uterus – Just because I didn’t have my own children doesn’t mean I don’t know how to take care of one. So when your child has bronchitis, don’t get pissed off when I tell you and happen to be right just because YOU didn’t diagnose it. I know how to take care of a sick kid, a happy kid, a sad kid, a loving kid. Just because I didn’t turn my vagina into a clown car doesn’t mean I can’t parent.

17.) If you start off threatening to kill me and being hateful, do not expect me to believe you’ve changed or start being your BFF because you’re acting sane for 15 minutes one day. I know your history, and I know how you are. I don’t trust you, and I don’t like you, and I don’t really care if you want to apologize. It’s not happening, because I know you’ll just do the same thing next time you have another imagined slight.

18.) My husband is NOT your friend. I know you think you have secrets with him and he doesn’t tell me what you say, but guess what: he DOES tell me every thing you say and do. If he liked you enough to be your friend, I’m sure you could have made your relationship work, but he doesn’t, because you’re insane.

19.) Get a JOB. If you cannot afford to live without the child support coming in, get off your ass and get a job. If you’re a stay at home mom, fine, but that is your and your husband/baby daddy’s choice, and again, if you cannot afford to live without the CS coming in, it’s probably a bad one. Lack of financial planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part.

20) Dont play martyr with ME! You chose to have these kids, you chose to divorce, you chose to have this woe-is-me attitude when it suits you – but thats not MY problem – its yours, so dont expect sympathy for decisions you chose to make. Your fuck ups belong purely with you, and your accomplishments making your life oh-so-hard dont make me feel for you. They make me laugh at your terrible prioritising skills.

21)My income does not entitle you to get more money from your ex. Buying myself a car with my money from my job that I go to every single day and bust my ass at does not mean that you should be getting more CS. I am not responsible for your child. my money and what I buy with it is none of your business.

22)The strain your CS obligation to my SS puts on your ability to support your subsequent and non joint spawn is not my problem. You had three more out of wedlock spawn with two more donors. Deal with it. And damned straight I am going to have my spouse go for more CS when you bitch, moan and whine about how unfair the consequences of your dipshit decisions are. You may not like the fact that my SS gets priority over your subsequent spawn. He is your oldest and should not suffer because of your inability to learn from the mistakes of your youth. If you can’t feed’em don’t breed’em.

23) Parking your kid in front of a video game or playing WoW all night with him is not parenting. Yes, you ARE responsible for him nearly failing HS and if it were not for his dad and I forcibly extricating his head from his ass my SS would be living on your couch, playing video games just like you. Spounging off of your parents does not make you a viable adult.

24) You do not get an opinion on parenting my SKids until you can support yourself without CS from my husband. No job, no opinion so shut up until you are a contributing member of society and not an entitlement and CS breeder.

23) I have been married to my husband for far longer than you were with him.  In fact he married me and refused to marry you. He chose me to be his wife, spend his life with and help him raise his children.  I have his present and his future.  You should consider that all you have of him is his past.before  you fill his children with your revisionist recollections of the past.  Most importantly you must never forget that the youngest one you tried to claim was his … is not.  You cheated which was the last straw for my husband.  You should be greatful that we accept your youngest child in to our home as one of our own with his older sister and brothers.  We are the people of character in the lives of your children.  You are not.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on September 8, 2011.

11 Responses to “To BioMom from StepMom – Suggested Rules (a compilation)”

  1. Oh my! I am laughing myself silly here! Beautiful! Thank you for making my morning. “vagina into a clown car” ha-ha!!!!!! Love this so much. I am both a mom and a stepmom and much of this is what we all wish we could say. Stay strong, sounds like you are a wonderful stepmom.

    • Omigosh, I almost peed myself laughing at that one…’…didn’t turn my vagina into a clown car’~!!! Love it! Sounds like you are the best stepmom any kid could hope to have, take no prisoners!!! =)

  2. This is an exhaustive list and I hope it helped you to resolve some of the bitterness you seem to be carrying around with you. As both a biomom (who shares a child with a stepmom) and a stepmom I hope that I never get to a point where any of this bubbles up inside me. I’d also be very confused if someone directed this towards me as I’m not sure how I could both be told that I ignore that their father exists AND be told not to let the children buy him presents when they’re with me. I just hope that your writing this here helps you never to reveal ANY of these thoughts or feelings about your stepkids’ biomom to them. Telling them that the part of them that came from her is worthless won’t do them any favors in life.

    I hope that you never go through the pain of divorce, but if you do, that you find some compassion for people who aren’t as perfect as you are.

  3. Wow! I love this. I especially love the “I look better in skirts than you.” Haha! You are so right, I am not the enemy. Move the heck on. Enjoy life, why waste time attempting to make someone else miserable. Enjoy your own life.

  4. @ Kaleigh,

    Not me except for #22, 23, 24 and 25 though I did attempt to word them as if they were from a woman since the initiator of this list is a StepMom. This is a compilation from 6 SMoms and one SDad. Because the rules resulted from several different blended family situations some of them are a bit contradictory.

    I have gone through divorce and it was devistatinglhy painful. My XW ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 Exective Sugar Daddy, had 2 OOWL children with him before he finally married her when she was first pregnant with their 3rd. Fortunately she and I had no children together.

    As for bitter …. not one bit. Not against my XW or my StepSon’s BioDad. I believe that they both got the karmic justice that they earned.

    I saw my XW at a restaurant a few years ago when I was at a business meeting/dinner. She came in with my XILs, her husband and their children. She spent most of the evening chewing our her husband and children. She was not the beautiful and radiant young woman I married. She was a bitter and unhappy person. It was sad to me though it did highlight the amazing life I have had since she left and divorced me.

    I was rewarded significantly by not being stuck with my XW through a lifetime of hell. 2.5yrs of marriage to her was enough. I would never have left her. But I am extremely grateful to her for pardoning me from the marriage.

    My wife had our son (my SS) when she was 16 and BioDad was 22. She went on to graduate from HS with her class with honors, her BS with honors, grad school with honors and is now a CPA. BioDad went on to a distinguised breeding career of a total of 4 oowl children by three different baby mamas. My wife and I raised his oldest and his mother raises his younger three and she and his father paid his CS obligation for my SS for more than 17yrs. He has a fairly extensive arrest record and has to live in a home owned by his parents (rent free) because he chooses to be intermittently employed because he thinks that will lower his CS obligation to my SS and his #2. Not that he pays his own CS obligation. Oddly his parents pay CS to mother #2 and raise the child in their home with #3 and #4.

    He has to live every minute of every day under the cloud of his complete worthlessness as a man, a son, a father and a human being.

    The most incredible reward in my life have been my wife and my son. She chose me to be her son’s dad and he is my pride and joy. She made me his dad when he was 1yo and I have raised him as my own. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary as a family. Our son is in the USAF and just turned 19. He is far more accomplished than his 41 year old BioDad will ever be.

    He occassionally struggles with some baggage from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool but his mom and I have his back and have raised him to be a credit to himself and all elements of his extensive blended family. We have never told him and will never tell him that the part of him that came from the BioDad’s gene pool is worthless. He is far more than the sum of his genes.

    @ Amy

    I am actually a SDad. List of rules for BMs was started by a woman on a private Sparent community I am active in. The community is ~25 StepMoms and 2 StepDads.

    I just thought it would be an interesting add to The SFLP.

    Best regards to you both.

  5. Oh you being a stepdad makes this even better for me! We have a VERY similar situation and my husband is an amazing father to the son I brought to our marriage. Have no doubt, you are that child’s dad. Kuddos to you and many other wonderful men who step up to the plate when our kid’s need them. My husband is also in the Air Force, perhaps he and your son will cross paths one day.

  6. I am an ex-wife AND a step-mom and I have to disagree with rule #1. As a parent/step-parent I believe it is our role to teach our children/skids the gift of giving. What I mean is that children need to learn the art of giving a gift to others without expecting anything in return. Sure children can learn this lesson through gifts to their friends but they get a certain joy out of giving gifts to their parents too. As an ex-wife, I made certain my daughter had the opportunity to select and purchase a gift for her father for his birthday, Father’s Day, and Christmas each year. Yes, I gave her money. So what! I would think it would be nice for him to have an “extra” gift that did not come out of your budget. If it bothers you (SM/SD) so much that is your problem, the child’s joy in giving their other parent (your husband/wife) a gift (regardless of who paid for it) should be your only concern. The first couple of years my ex-husband didn’t do the same (again, not that I expected anything in return, nor did I ever say anything about it to either he or our daughter) but after that he picked up on it and started having her purchase a gift on my special days (even before he remarried). Remember, men aren’t always the best at doing this sort of thing so it may take a little time. When he remarried we started making sure she selected a gift for her step-mom on her special days (ie, birthday, Christmas). My daughter learned a very valuable lesson in my opinion. She is now 19 years old (she was 4 when we divorced) and every year for both mine and her dad’s special days she thinks to give us each a gift.

    As a SM I make certain my SD has an opportunity to select a gift for the BioMom for her birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas. This is not reciprocated nor do we expect anything in return. It is about teaching my SD the art of giving a gift without any expectation of something in return. My SD absolutely loves this new tradition and is very, very excited about giving her mother the gift she got to pick out. She sees it as a huge gesture of kindness from our family to her BioMom (who isn’t at all nice to us…ever!). So what else are we teaching my SD, to turn the other cheek, to do the right (kind)thing no matter what someone has done to you, etc, etc, etc, and most importantly it shows her that we are making an effort for her sake. Wow, those don’t seem like bad lessons in my opinion….certainly worth $10, $20 don’t you think.It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, just a little token of kindness.

    As far as I’m concerned, it’s money well spent. So accept those gifts from your children/SKids with a genuine smile and a sincere “Thank You.” Remember, you are also teaching them how to receive gifts graciously no matter what the gift (or who paid for it). There is a lesson in everything. “We teach our kids how to interact with the world in the way that we co-parent.” ~ Author Unknown.

  7. “# 6: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery….” Hahahaaha! There was a day this summer when I showed up to get the kids for a day out. I was wearing a floral sundress with white sandals. The following weekend, Stepmonster had the identical outfit. It really showcased her skanky tattoos. (Yes, I have tattoos myself, but they’re not out for the world to see — hers are on her boob and her bicep, neither of which was ever firm enough to support such things, LOL!) There are some types of sun dress that REQUIRE a bra…and underpants are a given, at least to those of us with class…yeah, she had neither and it was painfully-I-cannot-ever-unsee-this obvious, as she was standing out in the driveway in full, direct sunlight. O_o The HORROR.

  8. Thanks for clearing that up. I didn’t realize that it was a compilation of a half dozen different people and so there would be a lot of contradiction and even overkill. It makes more sense to read now although the pain is still evident. I do wish that the people who felt so much anger or needed vindication could find resolution through themselves and not from the parsimonious world that will rarely give it.

  9. YES! Preach it, sister. I can’t tell you how cathartic it was to read this letter — something I’d love to send to my husband’s ex. I love this site! 🙂

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