To the Mother of my husband’s children

I met your ex husband 10 years after your divorce.  He was paying you $800 a month child support.  I asked him why, when he had the kids 5 days a week, you both probably make the same amount of money, he did all the driving and he basically dropped them off at your house to sleep.  He said he gave you the money to keep the peace.  I thought, well, they are 12 and 14, if that’s all it takes to keep things peaceful; we’ll leave it alone then.  I should have known right then and there something was wrong.  Why in the world would a man pay his ex wife $10,000 a year when he knew she should probably be paying him instead?  I was too naïve to question his actions and for that I have paid dearly.

We started dating and my poor husband had no money for anything.  He took me to parks and we went on walks.  We ate dinners at home.  He is one of the sweetest people I have ever met.  The money didn’t matter to me and even though I make more money than both of you combined, I married him anyway.  My friends said I was crazy to marry a guy with worn out shoes wearing 20 year clothes (yes, literally 20 year old clothes) but I figured the kids would soon be grown and gone, the child support would end and in the interim, I made more than enough money to support us.

I see now that you are an evil woman who took great pleasure in demeaning my husband.  You laugh when you hurt people.  I’ve seen your daughter do it too and frankly it sickens me.  He was too weak to stand up to you and too compassionate to see through your lies and deceit.  You actually had him and the kids feeling sorry for you.  I don’t feel sorry for you.  I see who you really are and you are heartless, manipulative and selfish.    I personally couldn’t live with myself if I treated someone so defenseless as my husband the way you treated him.

My husband and I were very happy despite the fact that we didn’t have a lot of spending money because we paid you so much.  But you were so greedy, money wasn’t enough for you.  You wanted to usurp my role in my home.  You were so used to controlling my husband that you actually thought he would put you first over me.   You had a boyfriend of your own but yet you still wanted to be the wife to my husband not when it came to giving but when it came to taking from him/us.

You’d call throwing pathetic rages, carrying on about your feelings, berating my husband for making parental decisions that you didn’t agree with like:  like not letting her got to a rap concert with an 18 year old or not spending the weekend unsupervised with a 17 year old.  You are the idiot to think these things were okay.  I knew this because I could hear your illogical whining coming through the phone at one of the many dinners you disrupted with your incoherent, illogical, phone calls.

Every day you did some nasty thing to ruin our evening, our weekend and never gave us a moments peace.  You called my in laws and tried to turn them against me.  You asked them to by SD expensive cares and trips to Europe.  You tried to prevent me from going to your sons junior high school graduation even though you thought it was okay to bring your drug addict boyfriend to events—yes the same one who killed himself in your house.  And yet there you were telling everyone what a good judge of character you were and how you were afraid for your children because you didn’t like me.
My goodness, you even talked to my ex husband who told you that I would never hurt a child but that part of the conversation you had with him never got repeated in your nasty malicious gossip-did it?  I had barely spoken to you, I never did anything to harm you and yet you were on a nasty mission to destroy me and my marriage with zero regard for the hurt you would cause to me, my husband or your two children who spent more time in my home than your home.

When we finally took you back to court after your many attempts to get more money from us, the judge threw the book at you and you lost all your free perks.  We actually got more than we asked for.  I am so glad somebody else finally saw through your lies and you got exactly what you deserved.  Our attorney actually fixed it so it would be impossible for you to bring us back to court without you paying us a lot of money.  Yeah!  Freedom or so I thought.  Because I saw you had been controlling my husband through fear after he got the total shaft in court because he doesn’t know how to fight.  I thought for sure you’d back off and leave us alone.

What did you do?  You attacked your own children.  You raged at them day and night telling lies and forcing them to take your side through fear and intimidation.  They came over to our house full of hate and rage and yet they would not tell us what was going on because you swore them to secrecy.  They came into our home with the malicious intention of hurting me, my husband and disrupting our home and obediently doing your dirty work for you.

Your daughter developed an eating disorder after you filled her with hate for her father.  Clearly you wounded her beyond belief to have her do this.  Your son started smoking pot.  They refused to talk to us or involve us in their lives.  They told us we “owed” them things and demanded expensive gifts that my husband could not afford.  They raged that their mother shouldn’t have to pay for anything.

It didn’t end there.  On your days to pick up the kids, you wouldn’t.  You kicked SS out of the car and make him walk to our house on your day.   You dragged both kids into your manipulations and made their lives hell because we wouldn’t placate you any longer.  And this is where I drew the line.  I told my husband that I was sorry you did this but it was not my job to be abused on a daily basis with physical intimidation and threats, hate filled calls from you (along with the vicious gossip you spread) and basically take a bullet to protect your children from YOU.  Yes, that was the deal, you abuse us and if we didn’t let you, your revenge was to abuse your own kids and turn them into hate filed people filled whose sole purpose in life was to hurt us.

Never in my life have I met anyone as selfish as you.  I’ve never met a mother who would hurt her own children in her quest for revenge, control, or whatever it is that motivates you.  I really can’t fathom because we are miles apart in the way we think.  I am glad I can’t understand what goes on in the mind of someone like you.

The use of your children to hurt my husband when on for another year.  You would not let my husband take pictures of his daughter before her prom.  You would not let him participate in any of their activities.  You made everything so awful for everyone, no one even cared anymore.  We stopped trying to participate in their lives because you made your kids so full of hate.    My husband’s family doesn’t want to come over anymore.  My family is no longer interested in your kids at all.

Your daughter wasted away to 86 pounds.  I had been begging my husband to take her to the doctor but he wouldn’t because he was afraid of you and she hated us and probably wouldn’t have gone anyway.   So you finally wake up and notice there’s a problem with her.  I can’t believe it took you that long.

You took her to counseling and thank God, you finally started leaving us alone.  We don’t know what happened.  I guess you finally understood you were destroying your children and maybe can give you some credit for that but so much damage has been done to them.  Now that we gave up trying to parent them, you’ve lost interest in it too.  You had your son on your custodial day and didn’t do anything for his prom.  We could have but he is still angry at all the adults in his life and doesn’t appear to trust anyone and his friends all act strange around us because somehow I am sure you have everyone believing what happened was our fault.

I frankly don’t like your kids anymore after all the hatred they have directed toward me because of the lies you told them.  I ended up with post traumatic stress disorder because of the constant attacks I endured at their hands and your hands.  I am angry at them, angry at you and angry at my husband for being weak and not protecting me from all of you.  I am sure this gives you great pleasure.  All the division and unhappiness you caused must make you feel good.  Your work appears to be done as you now leave us alone and deigned to allow us to take your son out to lunch on his high school graduation day even though it’s your day.  Now that you’ve hurt everyone, it appears your work is done and you’ve lost interest in using your battered children as trophies.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on May 31, 2011.

5 Responses to “To the Mother of my husband’s children”

  1. Buy the book, Stepmonster, and read it. It will set you free. Your situation is commonplace all over the world. It wasn’t just the biomother who contributed to it. Once you understand the complexities involved, and why everyone fills the roles they are in, you can learn not to take it personally and remove yourself from the hate game.

    • Actually I did read the book. None of the cases in the book were as extreme as the one I was dealing with. The bio mom not liking me really wasn’t an issue for me. It was the issue of her hurting her own kids in her attempts to control my husband. She’s finally gotten it that she can’t control him anymore and we now live happily free from her. We never hear from her and the kids have actually let her know they don’t want to hear her lies anymore and won’t be put in the middle. All we wanted was to live our lives free from attacks by a crazy woman.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I have started walking on the same path as you and could be saying the same things in 5 years time.

    I will try to learn from your experience and not allow this to happen. What would you have done differently if you could go back to some of those critical decision points again?

    I am very interested in what advice you have for new stepmothers like me with a biological mother who is acting like a wrecking ball. I fear she might have a personality disorder rather be stuck in stages of anger and loss.

    At this time, all I can hope is that my husband sees that he needs to let go of his children to save them from their mother breaking them psychologically. Otherwise it won’t just be my husband as the loser in this life, it will be my husband plus his three children as the losers.

    • You know, I don’t have any great advice. If I had known what it was going to be like, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. I’d say, the best thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that the kids may turn on you and protect yourself emotionally. Another good safeguard is to make sure your husband is willign to discipline the kids if they act out. Mine was too afraid of huring them which caused a lot of problems. Lastly, don’t get too involed with the kids. The mother will fight you tooth and nail if you do. The skids now have come to me on their own and tried to have a relatinship years later after my husband told them the truth and let them know they had to respect me AND their mother lied to them. Even now though, I would never get too involved. When their mom starts ranting, they will take her side as they are afraid of her. The best thing you can do is be nice but not get too involved.

  3. I believe I will have to get that book. I have learned so much from everyone on this site. The letters everyone sends it. It is just such a relief to realize I am not a lone out here. There was a time I thought I was absolutely CRAZY for the things I thought. Thank you for being brave to post, share and care.

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