Dear: (My) Bio Mother

I am writing as an adult, words I could not express as a child. I was so young when you and Daddy divorced. All I know is about three years old the man I used to wait patiently and diligently to come home every other week, one day did not. I
wanted my Daddy so much, to have him pick me up when he walked through that door so proud in his uniform. How quickly I grew up then. You married someone else. And convinced me to attempt to change my last name because I was not part of your “current” life. I was the throwaway, the reminder of another life.  Thank goodness my father flatly refused, though he left the state to put you behind him after threatening his livelihood and dignity. I was seven. You lost another child and I recalled how you screamed how much you hated me. This was a common occurrence, telling my father he will never see me again. By then he was across the country and moving on to a new life. I stayed behind to endure your manipulation, greed, and self- esteem -crushing words totally convinced that no one else could ever love me. The strong arms that held me, the soft low voice that used to read to me were all but a distant memory. Then I was 10.

When my grades suffered to the point where I did not care, you furthered the alienation by telling my brothers and sisters and the rest of my family how selfish and evil I was. That no one could “have me” or “tolerate the stupidity and
selfishness.” My grades were atrocious and I was constantly tired and defeated. I just wanted your love and for you to show me some kindness and see me for me and not my father or your old life you so casually threw away so you could “have more children.” The children you did have could do no wrong. Talented, educated THEY were going to be what you always dreamed of..perfect children. I was a meal ticket, a means to pay the bills so that your “children” could be at lessons and school activities. My grades grew worse, so bad that my school counselor asked if I was “Retarded.” Your
reply? “I think so..she sure as hell cannot do anything  right.” I remember praying every night for death. Then I was 15.

I am now an adult…when I was 17, so long ago,  I walked away…finished with your manipulation and wanted a life of my
own free of you, you begged me to come back to “rebuild” a life after losing our home, I refused. It is I who  is now educated, and I speak to you the obligatory once a year. My heart breaks when I see girls with normal relationships with their mother, but you not only robbed me of my father and family who could have gotten to know the
wonderful person I am, you robbed me of my self esteem and self worth. I question all that I do, I devalue myself constantly, I am just now struggling to stop being frightened and feeling worthy of my place in my world. I no longer feel I have to justify my existence. I was in one abusive relationship after another frantically looking for “perfect” in your eyes so that you can tell me how much you love ALL OF ME and how proud of me you were. Now I am in a wonderful
relationship with a man who values me as a stepmother, a mother and a family member. I no longer seek your approval. My Daddy and I are working on our relationship, but it still feels so separated from me. I guess in time I will learn to forgive myself. I am just starting back into my faith in God. Funny, I always thought he hated me, that somehow I did something wrong to not even deserve his love. Now I pray for the ability to forgive you….I know that it is the final
piece in finding myself and letting go of the expectations and anger. I do forgive you Mom. I need to forgive you to be any kind of stepmother and parent, because I need to forgive myself every single day. I still feel nothing when I call you, just a hollow part that maybe one day will stop hurting and I know in my heart of hearts that any sort of a healthy relationship is a distant dream. I am already in the process of loving myself…but it was a long hard struggle. I am not perfect, and that is okay. I AM LOVED AND APPRECIATED BY ALL IN MY FAMILY and myself and this will never change.

You cannot change the past, but maybe someone can learn the consequences of what happened to me

Respectfully, Your daughter

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on May 23, 2011.

3 Responses to “Dear: (My) Bio Mother”

  1. My heart breaks for you in what you have gone through. I have had to come to similar terms with my experience/relationship with my bio-father. May you have peace and healing in your life. You are worthy and don’t ever let those unworthy feelings get the best of you…living well and proving them wrong is the best revenge. I would take that cliche even a step further and say people like you and me have no need for “revenge”, because we have risen above it all. Blessings to you and yours!

  2. Dear Daughter,
    You are a strong person who was very loved by your father. I suspect he was beaten up emotionally by your mothers manipulation. I too am going through the same situation w/my children. The other parent is saying ‘this is your new parent. When I call, it’s is seems as if Eyes are rolled, there is the implication that I am a bother. While this doesn’t make me happy, it makes me feel so sad for my kids. They deserve to feel good about my calls, my skype, and my relationship with them. Will I give up. NO, will I walk away, NEVER. These kids are my existence – I won’t give up – I won’t be bullied out of their lives, and they will one day know the truth. Not because of me, but because of the treatment my ex continues to mentally abuse them.

    You were mentally abused, you are clearly healing! You are positive and have made your life better. I hope you have someone who talk with you, hug you, and make you feel solid and special.

    Please continue to care for yourself, give yourself the gift of giving loving your step kids enough to work on the relationship with all parents involved.

    Bless you.
    The parent

  3. I am wishing you peace and acceptance as you navigate your past, and move forward into a safe and loved future.

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