To My Husband

I hope you know that even though I love you more than anything, and want to believe everything you say because you’ve never given me a reason not to, I can’t in this case. There are far too many holes in your story for it to make sense. The first, and largest, hole being how unlike you this whole thing has been. You’ve spent our whole relationship telling people that you show me everything that occurs between you and your ex wives to prevent any problems from coming up. That being a man with two ex wives you just have to do that to keep things going smooth. Then all of a sudden you’re deleting random texts, then more and more texts… whole conversations even.

Not to mention that fact that you just can’t seem to understand why this is such a big deal to me… that’s not like you either. The facts are this: you’re ‘chatting’ with a woman you slept in the same bed with for 6 years, during the day when I’m not around, and deleting the texts before you come home. Simple as that. There’s no way that looks right to you. That’s not even bringing up the fact that up until some magical moment in the past 6 months you couldn’t stand her. She bashes me, has made attempts (that I know about) as recently as a few months ago to get you back in her life, and has actually said before that she could ‘steal’ you back, and that her life would just be better if I wasn’t around. How is talking to her about anything other than your child right? It’s not, and you know it’s not. All that has to lead me to wonder what was going on… and I don’t mean sex. I doubt there was a physical relationship, but I don’t doubt there was some kind of emotional one. Whether you realized it (I think you did) or not.

Another hole that leads me to think that, is even after we’ve had several conversations where I told you that you deleting the texts was the worst part of it, you deleted your conversation yesterday. Someone who wasn’t doing anything wrong could and would have told her that you couldn’t talk like that anymore, then come home and shown me the conversation to ease my worries. Instead, you told her whatever it was you told her, which she obviously took as ‘my wife’s around, can’t talk now’, and then deleted the conversation. Your excuse of ‘she said something bad about you and I didn’t want it to hurt your feelings’ is crap. I’ve said several times that I don’t care what she says about me, I only care what you say to her. So in my mind, logically, you said something to her that I shouldn’t see. Here’s my theory.

I think something had developed between the two of you, some kind of fun way to pass the day, a little chat, whatever. I know in her eyes it was more, it was you paying attention to her again, being nice to her, taking care of her because she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. You may have even liked that, liked the attention, liked that she was being nice, because apparently now all of a sudden she’s nice to talk to when she’s not being mean. Apparently saying bad things about your wife isn’t mean, but that’s another story. The fact that she messaged you this morning saying you were awfully quiet, and you have messaged her more than once asking where she’d been all day, indicates that you two had a regular thing, a daily chat. I think it was developing into more than that, maybe it was just easy without any responsibilities to her, or maybe you just liked talking. Maybe you hashed out what went wrong with your marriage, whatever it was, it was something. Then yesterday, when I finally got the words out to tell you how wrong I felt it was, you had to ‘break it off’ with her. A break up almost. You didn’t want me to see that. Part of what makes me think that is what you said last night… ‘I told her a few other things and that we couldn’t talk anymore’. What were those other things that I obviously wasn’t meant to see?

Then this morning you had to blame it on me… which is ok, I guess in a way I’m glad she knows that I knew you two talked. Even though I don’t know what about. And the fact that she sent back that I should be really bothered by it… does that not tell you something? It all seems pretty obvious from the outside looking in. I guess the point is, I don’t believe that nothing was going on, and I probably never will. I’ll definitely never know for sure, because it was all a big secret. I’m still mad, and probably will be for a while… I do feel better knowing that supposedly you really ended it this morning, but that doesn’t change the fact that I think there was more there then I’ll ever know. In fact, to be honest, I’m not convinced that the pictures that were exchanged between you two this month were innocent either. It seems really coincidental to me that you sent me a dirty picture out of nowhere and all of a sudden the next day you’re sending her a picture. And the 7 pictures she sent you… were they all about the house? That’s what I meant last night, there’s just a lot of things I’ll never really know. A lot of unanswered questions that I can’t help but draw my own conclusions from. And no matter how much you say that none of this would bother you the other way around, that’s bull.

I just want us to go back to normal, I want you back the way you were before all this shit. We’ve gone through too much the last few years, but we came through it so great, things were even better than before, and then this came up. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable if you get a text message, or like you’re looking at me funny when you hand me your phone for something. I don’t want us to hide anything from each other, I used to be completely comfortable when you talked about things she had said to you, because you always told me (or I thought you did) about the nasty things she said, or the attempts she made at getting you back. We’d just laugh at her, and it was over. Then something changed, you quit telling me things, I felt like you were hiding your phone screen from me at times. I know more than once that she messaged you while we were together, you rolled your eyes and acted like she was crazy and then texted her back as soon as I left. That couldn’t look more like something going on. I want to feel  comfortable, I want you to reassure me so I do believe nothing was happening. I mean really reassure me. I feel like you’re saying you understand so that I’ll quit talking about it, which makes me think once again that something was there, because this is a situation the man I married would definitely understand.

One last thing… maybe this happened as a result of what I did. I don’t want to act high and mighty and ignore the past. I screwed up big time, and I acknowledge that. I apologized, I worked to earn your trust back, I snapped back to the real me, and I thought we came through it great despite everything. But maybe you’re holding some kind of resentment about that and you took it out in the most innocent way you could think of, by creating a relationship with her. That sounds far fetched, but since I don’t know what happened, it seems possible. I don’t know another good reason why things would have changed between the two of you so drastically… If I did cause this, if it’s a result of what happened, I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry for what it did to us, I will always be sorry and continue to try and make it up to you. But that doesn’t make this ok.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on May 13, 2011.

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