To My Once Sweet Husband

Once upon a time you made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. You made me believe that I was “good enough” to love. That is certainly no longer the case and I think I want out.

I know that I have 17 more months left before I can actually pick up and leave so I’ll have to put up with you, your ex-wife and your son. But hey, at least it’s only one son and not four right?

I wish you could understand that when I suggest that you teach your 17yr old son, who is about to go to college, how to do laundry it’s not because I want him to do forced labor. It’s because he’ll need to do it in a couple of months. He’ll need to clean up after himself or he’ll end up like his brother. Just this past weekend you told me about how your 22 year old (with 2 kids of his own) lives in a pigsty with his now 19 year old wife. You told me the story about your son wiping down your grandson with what looked like a car towel, stained with grease and pulled out of the dirty clothes hamper. You told me about their hair being wild, their tiny feet covered in mud because they haven’t been taught how to wear shoes, about the bathroom being covered in muck. I guess this is where your youngest is headed to.

I thought it would be a wake up call to you to see that your 22 year old would be willing to spend $5-7k in a wedding while living in public housing and off of food stamps, but no. Instead you decided to reward him for his magnificent idea and gave him $1k and then gave him a wedding gift? You said it was $50-100 but I suspect it was actually $500. That is exactly what I’m worried about with the youngest. Honesty, he can’t vacuum his own room? And I get dirty looks from you when I suggest to you that he should clean his own bathroom?

The youngest decided he wanted to go off to a fancy college. So far we’ve spent $800 in registration and other fees and you still have not figured out how college will be paid for. You advocate for US to go into debt in order to pay for it because your ex will only contribute with $250 from her $50k/year alimony. We are still $25k in the hole from the divorce and instead of paying that off (with the money you spent on the wedding) you advocate that we get further into debt? Do you not see that this just reads WRONG? When I suggest that your son go to community college, you take it as if I said that he shouldn’t go to college at all.

I honestly just want the best for your son. It would be best for me if he went away as that would mean that he would no longer live with us. I wish that he could do his own laundry because that would mean that he won’t be hitting you for money every month because he doesn’t know how much detergent to use. I wish he would eat something else besides frozen dinners so we wouldn’t spend $100/week in frozen food and sugary drinks. I wish he wouldn’t have gotten kicked out from his mother’s so he wouldn’t live with us. I also wish that his mother weren’t such a witch (I suspect he got “kicked out” just to ruin us, but she kicked out the other son when child support ran out too).

I hope you are very clear in that this son whom you do everything for only “cares” about you when it’s in his best interest. Have you noticed that he only calls, or as he would say it “his call gets through” when he needs money in his account? Have you ever heard a “thank you” for washing his sheets, washing his clothes, making (or rather heating) his food, washing his dishes, or cleaning his bathroom? I haven’t. Although I find it amusing how you report to me every time 22year old says thank you (which is not very often) for depositing $250/month to help him feed the two little ones, I don’t think that’s the way anyone should live. And by the way, $250/month still? His now wife works, you say that food stamps keep them “healthy”, they don’t spend the money in cleaning supplies of any sort (not even shampoo I  think), so where for they spend the money? Oh yeah, on the cars they both have. You said they were better than the beat up car we have? I wouldn’t be surprised.

In the end,  I guess this is what I get for getting involved with someone with so much baggage. It’s my own fault for not listening to those who tried to warn me about our age difference and about the drama that comes with a crazy ex and mooching kids. I could go on and on, but not that I’ve vented for a while, I can focus on making the best of these 17 months to get my life ready for when I leave. I wish I could go back in time and skip a lot of the decisions I made, but I can’t dwell on what can’t be done. I wish you happiness with your ungrateful children.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on April 12, 2011.

3 Responses to “To My Once Sweet Husband”

  1. Can’t look back – just keep moving forward. We live and learn from our mistakes – even when they are hard to live through. Hang in there girl – it sounds like you have a ton going on and a lot to put up with. Can I ask? Why do you have to wait 17 months? Is it because of debt or are you saving up so you can move? Keep your eye on the goal and you’ll get there in no time.

  2. My heart aches for you. I am in the same situation, details just different. I could make a list of women just like us. It’s not your age difference – my friends and I are all within 2-3 years of our husband’s ages. It’s not your fault. I hope you find happiness. I will pray for you.

  3. Yes! Please pray for me. I need it so much. I can’t leave because I have no money and we are in so much debt. I moved to be with him and quit my job to do it. I loved my job and I quit it and now I can’t find a job in this city. I have no family and no friends here. Furthermore, we are about to go into more debt because his youngest child is going to college somewhere we cannot afford. I wish do badly I could turn back time so badly. I would tell anyone who is in my situation to please think things thoroughly before marrying into this kind of mess. No one deserves this.

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