Dear Bio-Mom

There are are so many things I want to say to you right now.  Oh boy, do I.  Over the past few months, we’ve become more civil.  I would almost dare to say something one level lower than friends.  We had reached an understanding with each other, it seemed.  Right now, however, I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m furious.  More than anything, all I can think about is taking your daughter away from you.

I understand that you’re struggling with your bipolar disorder and whatever else you may be suffering from.  In December, when you had to go into the hospital for an overdose on your prescription, our world went into a tailspin.  But things had gotten back on track.  You were doing so well.  I’ve never doubted you as a mother.  You’re good to that little girl… I’ll give you that much.  I’ve tried to be compassionate because I want you to see Jesus through me and my husband.  I want that desperately.

Here is where my anger comes in though.  For the second time in a six month period, you’ve gone into the hospital again.  this time, you went willingly, saying that your medications were messing with you (or however you phrased it since my husband talked to your new husband).  How many times are we going to have to pick up the pieces?  How many times am I going to have to explain to your daughter that mommy is sick when she says she misses you?  What the hell would have happened if you hadn’t have recognized the signs?  What if you had done something stupid?

Sometimes, more often than not, it’s totally difficult for me to step into the mother role.  I struggle with it constantly.  But I want the best for that little girl.  I’m beginning to wonder if this constant instability is the best.  You know that last night when it was raining and thundering she was almost shaking because she was scared of it?  I wonder where she learned that… I’m afraid your fear and moods are going to affect her.  She needs stability.  Joint custody is only somewhat stable, but we were never willing to chance losing our custody.  I have no doubt that a judge would grant us custody right now, given the situation.  Did you know that when you went into the hospital last week her greatgrandmother (who you asked to keep her) kept her out of school for two days?  School is the only constant thing this child has in her life!!

I hate you right now.  My husband and I are going on a marriage retreat this weekend, but at the moment this is the only thing I can think of.  What will happen when Sunday comes around?  Will you be out?  Will you be capable of caring for your daughter?  Or am I going to have to fill that place again?

You know, she would adjust to life with us full-time.  She would find safety in the routines and the structure.  We could give her stability.  Why won’t you let us?  Because I know if this ever comes up, it’s going to be ugly.  You’re going to hang on to her with everything you’ve got, you’re going to pull every dirty trick in the book and it’s going to cost every dime we’ve got for the best lawyer.  Damn you.

-The Concerned, Infuriated Stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on April 12, 2011.

2 Responses to “Dear Bio-Mom”

  1. I hear you girl. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and make BM go away. Then I think about how much her kids would suffer and I get remorseful. Why are these women so weak? Why do they use good people to their advantage? I hope they get what’s coming to them soon!

  2. You asked the question, “why won’t you allow a change in custody” and the answer is a very simple one. Even if she acknowledges your home is more ideal for placement society would condemn and judge her harshly for voluntarily (or involuntarily for that matter) becoming a non-residential mother.

    It may have nothing to do with how she perceives your household’s fitness for that responsibility.

    Good luck to you.

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