Dear Stepmonster

You are the woman who pretended to be my friend.  You are the woman who cheated on her husband, with my husband, and lied about it for months — until you got caught with your pants down.  You are the woman who lies to me about my ex-husband’s feelings for his children.  You are the woman who has lied to my friends about me.  You are the woman who abuses my pets, because they were there before YOU, and my ex and the children LOVE THEM.   You are the woman who heaps affection on one of my children, hoping against hope that he will love you, just because you are the kind of person who has to have “everyone” Loooooove you.  Hate to tell you, but he can’t stand you, and your constant attempts are making him feel sexually harassed by you.

You are the woman who slept with my husband, in my home, in my BED, and then turned around and told me that you hadn’t done “anything” until after I left.   You are the woman who back-stabbed my daughter when she tried to tell her father that YOUR daughter was hitting on her brothers, by saying that MY son came on to YOUR daughter.  You are the woman who ruined my life.  You are the woman who tried to justify her own immoral, psychotic, whorish behavior by saying “we [meaning you and my ex] didn’t MEAN to fall in love”!  See, you weren’t the first woman to come between us – you were just the only one who really didn’t care about the damage you caused; in your eyes, as long as you got your way, what was anyone else’s life to you?

You are ugly (goes to the bone – surface is pretty but the shiny wears off fast), hard, amoral, selfish, manipulative, conniving, and a pathological liar.

Now, you “have” him; you got him to put a ring on your finger, got him to marry you….

…but guess what?  You don’t OWN him.  You don’t own his thoughts, you don’t own his heart, and you don’t own his body.  They all belong to HIM.  You can’t make him hate me.  You can’t make him treat his — OUR — children badly.  You can’t make him treat me badly, even though you’ve been trying for almost 3 years to do just that.

The sad part in all this is that I think he really DID love you.  Once.  You took that from him, like you took his money, his car, and his dignity and pride.  So I very much doubt he feels any real affection for you anymore.  Way to dig that hole.

You are, in my opinion, only going to stick with him until he runs out of money, and then you will divorce him, demand alimony, and then go after another sugar daddy, because that is what women like you do.

So, dear Step-monster, enjoy the time you have left with him, as you spend the proverbial treasury dry.  Once he catches on, like the rest of the family has, you will be left swinging in the wind with nobody and nothing.  Here’s hoping, for the sanity and safety of my children (and my ex) that he catches on soon.

Love and Kisses,

The Real Mom”

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~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on February 9, 2011.

9 Responses to “Dear Stepmonster”

  1. My heart aches for you!

  2. I hope you have a really, really, really good lawyer. I wish you a safe future.

  3. Isn’t it a small justice for us when the men who cheated on us end up miserable with the women they wanted so badly? At least in my case I am finally happy but my ex is stuck and just seems so miserable. I find peace in that even if it isn’t ‘healthy’.

    • Phooey on whether it is healthy or not. Vindication is a genuine emotion; I used to be friends with this woman, and somehow missed all the red flags between her and my husband. It wasn’t the first time he had expressed an interest in someone other than me – she was just the first one to succeed in separating us. So, she got what she wanted, which was a younger husband than her prior one (her THIRD). What she didn’t want was my kids, and when they wouldn’t toe her mark, she started undermining them in any way she could. She doesn’t seem to understand that respect, particularly when you come into someone’s life the way she did, has to be earned. It is NOT automatic, and never should be!

  4. What are you going to do with all that rage and hurt you still have 3 years on? Certainly, those big feelings are justified, you were deceived, betrayed and abandoned, as were your children, for another woman. I am just worried that the state you are in is unhealthy and is it preventing you from finding peace and happiness in another relationship or life generally.

    My husband did something similar and I was angry for years too. Probably about five years if I’m honest. Does anyone know of a cure better than time?

    I became a stepmother 2 years ago and my new husband’s ex spouse is directing all her negative emotion at me as well as using her children to express anger and rejection toward me. It’s a similar intensity of feeling to what The Real Mom has expressed toward Stepmonster here, but I am entirely blameless in any relationship breakdown and loss. I met my husband after his partner left him and after she had taken their three children to live in another city HOWEVER only six months had passed since her departure. We married a year later.

    Is it inevitable that by blaming ‘the other woman’ or ‘the new model’ that the unpartnered parent is avoiding the painful feelings of loss or avoiding taking responsibility for their part in a relationship breakdown?

    I had this rage when my first marriage broke down 12 years ago and I was left with three preschoolers to raise alone, but there was no ‘other woman’ to dump on (righteously or not). He was acting like a tomcat, so it was related to sexual infidelity.

    I wonder what a ‘normal’ reaction to relationship loss looks like (when the couple have had children together)?

    • My ex behaved like a tomcat throughout our marriage. This did not truly come to light, even though several of our friends knew about it, until he was blatantly squiring this other woman around town, introducing her to our friends, his family, taking her to the places that were special to us. All this while he and I were still legally married, and some of it occurred while we were still LIVING TOGETHER. Then, out came the truth: that he had been seen with no fewer than 3 other women, behaving very intimately with them, over the course of our marriage. >.< The "new model" in this case isn't new in any sense of the word. And they're already having serious problems – and he calls me and wants to TALK about their problems. The nerve. 😯

      Everything I wrote in that post is what was done by her, to me, and to him, and to our kids. Not a word of untruth in it. I never avoided taking responsibility for my part in it, but some of my part was truly involuntary. Depression is ugly and debilitating, and in my case, untreated — because I could not afford to see a doctor, much less a counselor or therapist.

      The primary reason I'm still angry with him this long after the fact, and a year after the divorce, is that he's still perpetuating the same behavior in himself that drove me away in the first place: Lying, going behind his wife's back, and seeking sympathy from Another Woman – namely, me. There is no sympathy cake for him. The cake is a lie. =) He made his bed, now he can (pardon the pun) LIE in it.

      Communication is a problem. Every time I need to talk to him, she thinks I have to go through her, which I refuse to do: she is not a parent to my children in any way, shape, or form, they don't like her purely because of what she's like and how she treats them and their father, and I won't discuss my parenting plan with her.

      The ex told me not too long ago that she "doesn't get involved" in our (he called it a "relationship" – we have no relationship beyond being co-parents, and I told him that) parenting. I know this to be a load of dung. She goes through his phone, deletes messages if she doesn't like the person or the message, and several times has deleted my number out of his phone because she didn't like the picture he was using – she said it was "too pretty" and didn't "want him looking at [me] like *that*!". Uh, yeah. O_o Never been accused of being "too pretty" before, and I think from that someone's feeling a little insecure – or she's already cheating, and trying to cover by being nasty about other things and putting him on the defensive. I honestly neither know nor care, as ironically amusing as it would be to know that she's already cheating on him after less than a year of marriage. I doubt she will cheat this soon anyhow, simply because of the fact that she found a sugar daddy in him by way of his mother's money. That was why she was with her previous husband, though she had convinced him she loved him, too. However…I'm sure she will be telling her "hahaha, I took him for everything he had" stories to another family in 2 years or so. In the meantime, time, and life, march on, and I march with them. =)

  5. Well, he hasn’t changed and she sounds perfectly horrid. Why does his lack of change matter to you?

    He lost you because of his behaviour and he doesn’t get to know you anymore. His desire to seek you out for sympathy is offensive and insulting_he must be completely unaware of how his unfaithfulness affected you/affects you still. How dare he!

    It sounds like he deserves all his new wife’s shortcomings. Why don’t you simply stop expecting anything useful or civilized from these people?

    I think he has wasted enough of your time and they both equally deserve your disinterest and disapproval. Let your children see you being busy engaged in your happy, separate life, and show them how to be dignified and kind toward the less evolved adults that cross your path. That’s all this couple is, a couple of strangers crossing your path. You don’t know him anymore or want to know him, keep him in the past.

    • Thank you, Pru. That is definitely the plan. I told my children on several occasions that they don’t have to like her, but they do have to live with her. Their dad is moving slowly back toward person-hood – he’s treating the kids with more kindness and devotion than he has in the last two years, and they are very appreciative of this. He’s the only dad they’ve got; apparently he’s cottoned on to that fact as well!

      Regarding the new wife’s shortcomings – well, there are plenty. I try not to garner negative karma for myself by bringing them up. I give myself a good rant every couple of months to get it out of my system, and then I’m finished for a while.

      But suffice it to say, I think that since he chose her over me, sacrificing a two-decade-long relationship for the sake of whatever reason he concocted for himself, he deserves whatever he gets with her. If the two of them think that prescription-drug dependency, un- and under-employment, and depending on his mother for everything from gas money to the actual vehicle constitute a happy life together, well, far be it from me to burst their bubble!

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