Dear Ex-Wife

I have tried very hard for the 3 years that I have been with your ex-husband to not engage with you at all. Firstly because we are just dating and not living together and I don’t feel its my place to co-parent with you as yet, but also because I know what a manipulative cow you are and Ive worked very hard my 30 years on this earth to eliminate people like you from my life. I knew you from school days and I chose not to like you then, 12 years hasn’t changed that and I don’t want to be your friend now, as Im pretty sure from your attitude to me, that you don’t want to be mine. That suits me just fine. Im certainly not cut-up about it. What I would like though, is for you to respect my relationship with your ex-husband.

Your ex-husband and I have done things the right way for so long. We’ve dated for a long time, put off moving in together until we feel the time is right and just generally making sure the horse is placed before the cart in our relationship to make sure we don’t make the same mistakes you two made. This arrangement hasn’t always worked in my favour for few reasons. One, because even though I spend most of my time at his home, the kids know that I don’t live there, and therefore don’t always treat me like they would if it was my home too. And secondly you seem to think that because Im still independent of your ex-husband, that gives me ‘less’ place in his life and more space for you to push me around. But on the contrary, at the moment, Im glad to still have my independence to escape the craziness this blended family of ours brings into my life.

On Friday night, when you dropped the kids off past 8 o clock at night and then decided to walk into ‘our’ bedroom to ‘chat’ to your ex-husband about nothing in particular incensed me. You didn’t knock, you just walked in. It particulary made me mad because I was changing a light bulb in the en-suite bathroom and when I came out to greet you TWICE, you ignored me. And because you ignored me, your kids ignored me too. That is OUR personal space and it made me very uncomfortable to have you in there. Poor guy was sitting on the bed with his knee in cast from a recent operation and he couldn’t get away from you if he had tried. You are blurring the boundaries for your kids and making a mockery of my territory. It’s a private bedroom not a communal lounge! I know you are manipulative and conniving and you did it just to rattle me. For now, you can sit back and gleefully rub your hands together because you did your job well. Your ex-husband and I are having a huge fight now, mostly because you caught me off-guard and I got upset with him once you had departed from our room. But we will get over this, and Im sure this is not the first time you are going to breach my boundaries. You got to me then, and I will figure out a way to make sure you don’t get to me again.

I just want to say, that although its not MY house yet. I am the person that belongs there, not you. That bedroom is where I sleep 90% of my nights and you have absolutely no right being in there at all. In fact, you have no right to be in that house at all. You might wonder to yourself the reasons we haven’t committed to living together yet but Im quite glad to have somewhere to escape to when your kids, who have zero respect for me thanks to your little voice constantly whispering in their ears, treat me like rubbish. They are your kids not mine and as much as Id love to have an influence on how they are brought up to make our family life more tolerable, Im quite happy to disengage for now. When it becomes MY home that will change, not because Im the evil step-mother you have created me to be in their minds but because those kids actually crave routine, discipline and a structured home. And I have absolute faith in that.

You screwed up your own marriage, you have 3 kids by potentially 3 different men. My loving boyfriend sucked up your bull-shit claims about the child being his and married you in spite of his doubt and having only known you for a few weeks. A doubt, I wish you to know, he still has today! The kid looks nothing like him and I believe the truth will come out one day and I pity you for carrying that burden on your heart. You then screwed up your marriage 3 years in, went all loopy on him, batted your eyelids and BAM! You’re pregnant again with his ‘2nd’ child. You then had the audacity, when getting divorced for this last time, to try and sue him for child maintenance for the child you brought into this marriage because you couldn’t keep you legs closed at the age of 18! The kid was born 4 years before you even met, you dumb ass woman, and being married to you does not mean he has to carry the burden of a child he was never allowed to actually parent for the rest of his life. And mostly because you refused his offer of a fully paid private school education until she was 18 in lieu of cash! Do you think he is stupid? He now provides for the ‘two’ which you say are his in excess. And he does so gladly.

I think what you fail to recognize is that your ex-husband and I are together through choice, not because ‘the pill disagrees with me and oooppps!, now Im pregnant and I think its yours’ …. We love each other bitch, and we’ve been through hell with you and relentless pursuit for money and dragging his divorce out for 18 months, and we are still together. We met AFTER you had kicked him out the house, not before. But I can guarantee you, that day was an awesome day. The day he met me, he made up his mind that he was not going back to you. You somehow live in this delusional world where you think you take all the benefits of being married to him without the commitment and hard work of actually being married. Being a so-called mother to his kids does not give you any special priviledges when it comes to his life and who he chooses to spend it with. Or you somehow think that when you snap your fingers you can have him back and Im just some temporary stop in his life. You have it so wrong and the sooner you realize that, the easier this process becomes.

By virtue of the fact that you got divorced through your own wishes, means that you are no longer a part of his life except to deal with the 2 kids. You are clearly not the kind of person who can co-parent and that means contact should be significantly less. This also means you are not his friend, you are not his confidante, you do not get to stay with his mother while you are moving house. You lost those priviledges when you walked out that court room. Gone. He has not forgotten the lies you told, the affairs you had, the money you pilfered and stole from him. All those things still exist. And yes, we are getting to the point where we have had enough of your bull-shit, and he will stand up to you eventually and put you in your place, your days are numbered. When that house becomes my home, I do not want you anywhere inside its 4 walls. Understood. Good.

PS And you’re not so great, look in the mirror, you are fat! When I was standing behind you in the bathroom looking out at what was going on in my bedroom, I noticed, your ass is HUGE! Im a perfect 10 if you were wondering. Just another reason he will never have you back.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on February 9, 2011.

7 Responses to “Dear Ex-Wife”

  1. Oh I can feel your anger, I have felt it myself, but what I want to say to you is this: Once you move into that house it will be no more yours than it is now. I say this not to be mean but to let you know that it will not change the children’s perception of you or your place there. You may be able to enforce your wishes to not have the ex enter but as a fellow stepmom and 2nd wife, I strongly encourage the two of you to buy another home together, one that neither the kids nor the ex wife has ever set foot in.
    Furthermore, if you and your boyfriend are in a fight over this it tells me that the two of you don’t agree on the boundaries that should be set with the ex and this, my love, will cause you nothing but heartache and grief for as long as you are with this man. I’m not here to burst your bubble; I am here to tell you the things no one told me before I made what may have been the biggest mistake of my life. It’s a big pill to swallow, but if you have it in you to leave this man and his baggage before you get to far in, it just may save you from years of hell. If you haven’t already, read STEPMONSTER by Wednesday Martin. It is LOADED with truth and reality. If you pursue this relationship after you have read that, then at least you are going in with your eyes open.
    There is no doubt that in three years together and being at his house 90% of the time that you are not clueless as to how this stepfamily thing works. However, almost every soon-to-be stepmoms thinks it will be different when she moves in or when she gets married. I thought that too and I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  2. Thank you for the honesty, as much as its not what I want to hear, I appreciate your truth.

    I’ve just finished reading StepMonster and my eyes are no more open than they were before. I’m blinded by love and eternal hope that I can do this job.

    But as I write this, I’m in tears because like you said, the boyfriend and I are on different pages. I exhaust myself trying to explain myself and get him to understand my point of view. I have some hard truths to swallow and I sipping on them slowly. I’m being faced with not only being a Step-Mom but also being a childless one too.

    I hate her so much for ruining his perception of kids and marriage. I hate her so much for dirtying his past so that I have to work twice as hard as another woman to have a happy marriage and family. I feel like I’m paying the price for her f%&¥ ups.

    I’m not old enough to give on having kids but I’m not young enough either that I have worlds of time on my hands. What I’m really struggling with is reconciling truly loving someone but wanting what I want. How do you leave someone you really love because their life gets in the way of you living the life you dreamed of. Do I really love him then? That’s what he is asking me…

  3. You are paying the price and that is my point, you don’t have to. There are men without children and it’s worth your time and sanity to find one of them.
    You say, “How do you leave someone you really love because their life gets in the way of you living the life you dreamed of?”
    It may be the hardest, most painful thing you ever do but it’s nothing compared to the hell that will be your reality if you don’t. It takes guts, and it takes knowing who you are and what you want. Love is blind sister, but those blinds open very quickly once you’re knee deep in s@*#.
    Ask any Stepmom who has a few years under her belt if she would do it over again. That is a dare! I know NONE who say yes. I’ll leave it at that because I am aware that I do not have to power to change your mind. You have to decide for yourself what you want your future to look like.
    I hope you will post again if there are any new developments.
    Best of luck to you either way!

  4. This letter and these comments were hard for me to read. I soooo relate to your post I have soooo been there!!! The last question posted in the last comment – ask any stepmom if she would do it again? I am over seven years into this, my step children moved into our home full time over four years ago, I was 26, it has been so much harder then I EVER thought. I still love my husband more than words can say and I have come to really love the girls (it took a lot of time – just being honest) It still isn’t easy and I know now that my life will always, always be harder becuase of her (ex-wife) because of being a step mom and second wife. I don’t know if I knew what I know now back then if I would have stayed….. On the other hand, I can’t see myself leaving now and mostly I don’t want to. “A Stepmom” is right though – how ever hard you think it will be, or have read it will be, or have heard it will be it is going to be that times 50 AND there is no way you can really know until you actually live it.

  5. I am struggling to leave now. I relate to everything and I am not married now but going thru the anxiety of the bipolar manic ex wife, what she is doing in our lives and unfortunately to her own kids. She is never home , doesn’t take care of the kids but leaves them with babysitters because she can’t handle gfiving them a bath of putting them to bed. It makes me sick to deal with her because she does everything to make it known that she will do everything in her power to stop and future plans him and I have together. I wish she knew how really short life is and that before she knows it she is going to be gone. GET A LIFE ! He doesn’t want you anymore. your pitful and you try to quilt him into everything.

  6. Hi! How do you make yourself fell 15 years older? Become a stepparent…no joke here, I am 25 & feel 40. DON’T DO IT!!! Your boyfriend, his kid, they got dealt a bad had, you on the other hand, have a choice. You saw the movie Hancock, right? Everyone loves the hero, but the hero is miserable??? Welcome to being a stepmom…from what you have written, I would assume you aren’t a very selfish person…take some advice…be selfish!!! This is a horrible, stressful, overwhelming, and thankless job that is 24/7 and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I didn’t feel this way in the beginning, but after 5 years, I am toast! Get out while you still can!!!

  7. I have read thse comments. Here is what I will say. One everyone is right, being a stepmother is SO much harder then you can possibly imagine. Second, I sense anger and resentment in your situation before even going down the aisle….do not walk down that aisle until you can surrender and love unconditionally.but also..think about what is best for you and the type of man that you want to make you the best person you can be…..if that is this man…then marry him but get counseling or do more work on the have to restructure this relationship with boundaries and a solid foundation before you take that plunge…it will only fester and become a tearing apart venue in your marriage. I say this with experience. I took a break from my husband. I called off the engagement and insisted on boundaries and acceptance of my role in his life. Just remember these children and this ex-well darlin its rarely gets better you just find ways to deal with your feelings…but if you have built a solid foundation with your man you have much better odds of coming out on top. Send a message for yourself. Love yourself and DO what is best for you. Spitefullness, anger (well we have all been there. I even chuckled a few times)….unfortunately that is what leads to 50% of blended marriages failing.

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