To My Husband

 Oh I have so many feelings, they conflict, they rage, they cry and I remain silent because I know by now that no good can come of voicing the words that tumble in my head and heart.
 
I married you knowing that you had two children. You were always upfront about it and at the age of 23 I was terrified and wanted to run, but I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t. Most of the time I know it is because I fell head over heels in love with you.
 
I was warned and I partially had a grasp that because of your life before me, my future would never be what I had envisioned. I blindly leaped into that truth. I could never foresee that your ex-wife would attack us over and over and would cause stress that I had never known. I should have predicted, but I didn’t that much of the dealing with this would be put onto me. I also could never have seen that one year after saying, “I do”, you would ask for your two little girls to move in with us full time. I remember clearly when you asked a huge part of me screamed NO WAY!!! I had signed up for every other weekend. I had signed up for our life together and their life away, only intersecting occasionally. I also remember my head over heels love for you. I remember agreeing to it because I loved you.
 
Then I remember over a year of hell.
 
Literal hell.
 
You talk about how easy it’s been. You talk about how amazing it all worked out. You talk about the four of us this and the four of us that.
 
I remember a very different time. I remember depression. I remember heart breaking moments when I felt I could not carry on. I remember resentment and anger and gripping onto my life with bloody finger nails. I remember contemplating packing up and disappearing every single day. And I remember prayer….
 
I remember begging to God. I remember bargaining, pleading and feeling forsaken. Then I remember answers…..
 
The crept up on me. Feelings of love for the girls. Real genuine love. Feelings of delight in them. In who they are. In the four of us. I remember it got better and better. I remember finding joy again.
 
Then I remember you asking me to adopt them. Taking full and legal responsibility for them. I remember accepting. Accepting because of my love for you and for them. How could I say I didn’t want them when their mother had just thrown them away??? How could I continue to let her hurt them over and over when I now had the power to stop her? How could I say no to you when I knew it was so important???
 
I said yes. I have to say I never expected a banner or parade, but honestly I feel like this decision was completely taken for granted. It is as if you think that of course I would say yes and of course I would do this. I do recall one conversation where you asked if I was sure. That was something at least.
 
The same qualities in me that have allowed me to walk this journey also force me to see pain in other places of the world. I have a core belief that God blesses us so we can bless others. I have expressed this desire to bless others to you. In small ways like giving change to a pan handler – only to be told that there is no way I am allowed to do that. That the man does not really need my help? I remember challenging you that God never told us to judge who needs our help and who doesn’t, but called us to take care of our brothers. That whether or not that man is lying or not is between him and his maker and whether or not I help or not is between me and mine. You dismissed me and my challenge.
 
I have also expressed these desires to help in larger ways. I wanted to help a young teenager in our town obviously in a bad way. Your answer was no that we risked the perfect little structure of the four of us, that helping her wasn’t worth the risk and you then banned her from our home. After all she might steal from us.
 
Then I wanted to help my 17 year old cousin, he was drug up not raised. I felt we could help.

You told me that he was a lost cause. That it was too late to help. I challenged you pointing out that at 19 your grandfather cut you a break, helped you. You replied that you were different that you respected people and that my cousin did not. Again is it our place to judge that – is it fair to write a 17 year old boy off??? Once again you promptly dismissed me and banned my cousin from our home.
 
My parents – whom I owe the foundation that has allowed me to help you and your children. My parents who have always been there for me, for you and for the girls need help. I asked you if they could move in. Yes I realize that this is a huge deal. I realize that you are not obligated to say yes. I realize that it would be hard and I realize that there will be a time of huge adjustment. Never the less I guess I thought maybe this time you would say yes. Maybe you would let me shine in the way that God intended even if there is no direct benefit to you???? Even if it might require something of you??? I was wrong. I’m waiting to see if you ban them from our home!
 
I have to say this has left me a bundle of emotions. I do not do what I do for you expecting each deed returned. I do it because I love you and I know it matters to you. I trust that God would not have put you in my life if he had not given me the abilities that I need to help you.
 
However…..
 
I question your love for me. When someone truly loves you they don’t squash who you are. They want you to shine. I feel squashed all the time. I know you think you love me and I suppose you show it the best way you know how.
 
Is your best good enough for me????

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on February 3, 2011.

3 Responses to “To My Husband”

  1. I’m so sorry your husband is not being more supportive. That totally isn’t fair after all you’ve done. But I guess I shouldn’t even say “fair”. Your relationship should be a supportive one, wherein you want to do something(like take in your nephew), he should be supportive. I’m sorry your hurt and angry.

  2. You have such a huge heart. God Bless you. Many hugs and hope for some answers to your prayers.

  3. Wow! I have gone thru the mixed emotions you have, it’s only been 2 yaers but I fight leaving everyday. I ask myself all the time what am I doing with this person with such a toxic life. I think of the kids and the deep love plus friendship we have built. does life get easier with a crazy ex wife where she is the victim for the rest of her life? She will never take responsibility for her life. Get a clue, a life take responsbility for your life and the role you had in the end of your marriage. Move on find something else to focus on than your ex husband. Maybe take a look at the small helpless children who just want their mother’s love and attention. I am not their mother and have not wanted that role. WAKE up before your life is over and you are alone plus miserable because you held on to a man that no longer wants you in his life. Would be glad if he never saw you again? Your pitful and you beg for attention from him by using your small kids too and you lie all the time about even if your kid is not sick you say she is sick…your ex husband knows your game. He is sick of playing it and that’s why he left and wants to forget about his old life with you. Take care of yourself and your kids and stop pulling me into your toxic world. GET A LIFE!

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