To my stepfamily

I have been blessed to have 2 wonderful step children in my  life.  I do not have children of my own and that was my choice and I am fine with that.  It is now, after 2 years I need to ask you for your patience.  I don’t know why it took two years, but I realize I am a bit stressed out at times.  About 3 months ago I realized I had no idea what I am doing.  I have  no idea how to be or what to be for you two.  It was only a few weeks ago that I realized I am a childless step mom – there is a name for me.  I never felt like your mom – I don’t know what that really feels like and you have a mom. It would be easy to say I could be your sister, but I am an only child and have no idea how to be a sister.  I know  I love you both, but I don’t know how to love you like a mom, please be patient with me.   I was getting frazzled sometimes and didn’t know why.  I was feeling stress and could not place it.  I feel bad because my stress does not belong with us when we only have you every other weekend, please be patient with me.

I kept saying to myself, I knew he had kids what is your problem.  I can laugh now because I have the answer – yes, I knew about you and yes, I agreed knowing you would be in my  life, but I had no idea what that meant.  No one ever told me what that meant and now I know.  I am learning to deal with the pressures that come from knowing that the control I had over my life is gone.  I am learning to deal with the fact that I didn’t just get two great kids in my life, I got their mother too.  I am learning that this triangle is livable and I am learning to deal with it – please be patient with me.  I had no idea the stress of kids in the relationship would bounce into the relationship I have with your father – and we are learning to deal with this.  I had no idea I would feel like an outsider in my own home.  It took me two years to realize I don’t always fit in – but I try my best.  I lost some of my free “me” time and I need to learn to cherish it when I have it so I don’t hold that against you or your dad.  I have to remember what I have received in return from you both  helps me put everything into perspective – two totally great kids who have accepted me with open arms.  I never knew there would be a day I could say I wanted kids – but I do.  I am too old to have my own and I am so glad that you allowed me to open my eyes to this experience.

I have given up things in my life and the rewards back are too many to list and I need to remember them, please be patient with me.  I am learning to deal with the stresses of my day to day life so when you visit with us I am not so stressed out.  I will slip from time to time so I will ask you to be patient with me because I have only been a part-time mom for such a short time and you have been kids for years.  I will promise you one thing I will do my best to be whatever it is you need me to be no matter what, no matter when.  Thank you so much for welcoming me into your life like you have.  Big A you amaze me – the young man you are, the responsibilities you take on.  I know your life did not turn out like you wanted it to and it would be easy for you to hate me, how easy it would have been for you to rebel and hate the world and I am glad you don’t.  Little R you wonderful little girl – we have worked through some issues haven’t we.  But what a remarkable person you are.  Watching you change and grow the last 2 years has been remarkable.  You have taught me so much and I am so grateful for that.  I am blessed and I hope I will always remember to feel this way.

I have no idea where this life will take us, but I hope it will always be together.

Love ~ Pam

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 30, 2011.

2 Responses to “To my stepfamily”

  1. How can you be so grateful? I am amazed at your strength and cant imagine feeling thankful for my step daughter. I dont know how I can get through feeling a stranger in my own home, dealing with my ex who sucks us and mostly my husband dry (financially and emotionally). I feel so alone when I am with him and his 4 year old daughter. WE have been married 9 months and I cant see an end to the torment and here you are thankful for it and your stepkids. I am in awe.. thank you for your voice

  2. I am grateful for those kids for so many reasons. The day my 8 year told step daughter told me she loved me. The way she hugs me hello and kiss good night. I am blessed because I never knew these things and it not for them I never would. Oh can we laugh, be silly and goofie. While I can laugh – sometimes it is funnier with an 8 year old. The day she asked me to her birthday party – oh my the look on her face when she said, your coming right? I knew all the consequences (Bio mom, Bio moms friends and family). I could only look at her and say – of course I am.
    I am grateful because as much as I try to be everthing I can – she does too. She likes to help me in the kitchen. When I have horse chores she is there with the broom helping. When I put water in the bucket she rolls up the hose that she can just reach on her tippy toes.
    Yes, I am a very strong person and I stumble alot. The stepmom web sites have been great. I learned I don’t have it so bad, actually I am a little lucky. I have very little in common with my step son – almost 16. I have a hard time with that.
    I am an optimistic person – I am grateful for what I have and blessed for some of the things I don’t have.

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