Dear Bio-Mom to my stepchildren

So here I finally have an opportunity to get some of this shit off my chest! What a waste of a mother you are. I have never in my life come across another human being so incapable of being a PARENT! I have now been the 24/7 mother to your children for five years and feel absolutely blessed and overwhelmed by their love. You have made so many bad choices over the years and never once accepting accountability for the damage you have done especially to your son. You disgust me! Oh sure you see them but you’ve become nothing more than the playground they get to go to every two weeks. You have made the decision to not parent because it’s too damn hard for you; and it might make you sad and cry.  Really?!  Who the hell does that? Give me a break – suck it up and do what every other parent does – PARENT!

Don’t tell me you’re on board with how to handle your son’s anxiety or behavior issues because it’s a crock of shit! How many school meetings have you attended? When was the last time you spoke to a teacher or attended a 504 meeting?  And the one time you did you couldn’t make eye contact with anyone and thanked me for doing all the talking because you couldn’t.  You are a complete waste! What mother doesn’t have the fire inside to stand up for her child and fight for him? No worries though I’ve made sure the school knows how horrible you are; didn’t take much considering they came to me questioning the anxiety your son has every time he visits.  Do you realize the school tracks these weekends now so that his teacher can be better prepared for his behavior issues?

The best part is when he calls you and tells you how he got in trouble at school and your response to him is always the same. “I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you try harder next time” or “I hope you won’t do that again.”  Wow powerful stuff!  NOT!  Your son is looking for a reaction from you; he’s hungry for it; he wants to hear you get angry, show some sort of emotion, give some sort of consequence – yet you give nothing. And each time you give nothing you only reinforce to him that you don’t really care.

And let’s not forget that you gave your son up 3 times yet you have no problem raising your boyfriend’s son!  Do you really think your own son doesn’t see this?  Got news for you, you moron – he knows and he’s pissed!  This beautiful child who with my help, his fathers help, the help of his school and counselors has finally been given the opportunity to feel as though he finally belongs somewhere. For the first time in his life he’s not waiting for the next move. How sad that a 12 year old boy just made his first friend last year and attended his first sleepover this past summer.

You are a danger to these children and always have been. From putting a 4 year old in the front seat of a car to allowing a 9 year old to play in pipes under a road; to “forgetting” to put sunscreen on your fair skinned daughter and letting her delicate skin burn, or socks on her feet with plastic shoes that were too small; or to leaving children unattended for hours. You are selfish. There is never a compromise that you offer that isn’t based on what works for you instead of what works best for the children. Telling your daughter you cry every night missing her and telling her not to grow up because then you’ll die – have you even got a brain? Telling your son how much you hate me and then crying to your ex-husband how hard this week was for you missing the kids.

I’m not buying it anymore.  I have tried so hard to keep you involved; sending emails and pictures and little notes but all you do is take, take, take and bullshit me with how committed you are. You can’t pay your full child support but you can help send your boyfriends son to summer camp and you can spend money on expensive toys for Christmas?!  I give you all this information and all you do is use it as your own.  Donating gifts instead of making your kids sell their toys; really where did you get that idea?  The multiple good behavior charts I’ve created; how they suddenly show up at your house.  I’m all for co-parenting but seriously do you ever have any thoughts of your own?

Do you really think that your little attempts at getting under my skin through your kids and ex-husband are going to change what I do for these children?  I would give my life for both of them no questions asked! They are beautiful children and I love being a part of their lives. And as I’ve told you many times; I am not here to replace you; you are their mother and always will be.  They don’t call me mom and I’ve never asked them to but when asked in public guess who they say is their mother?  Gee I wonder why that is? These children love you but I promise you that very soon they are going to be thinking more on their own and they will both realize that you are nothing more than a lonely ship passing in the night.  You have given them nothing to hold on to. You provide no guidance, no safety and no support. All you provide is a good time and nothing more.  So when you’re son stops coming to “play” and your daughter stops asking to see you; think back to this time in your life and go kick your own sorry, pathetic, selfish ass!  You have no one to blame but yourself.  That’s what you get when you chose to be friends with your kids instead of their mother.

Something else for you to ponder over…When your daughter has her first date; who do you think she’ll ask to go dress shopping or to help put on her make-up?  When your son gets his drivers license guess who’ll be waiting at the DMV to see his expression when he passes? And when you’re daughter tries out for cheerleading and either makes it or not who’ll be there to congratulate or console? And when your son graduates from HS who do you think he’s going to thank for helping him get through it all? Who do you think your daughter is going to talk to after her first kiss?  Who’s the one that will drive them to every dance, every birthday party, every sleepover and to and from friends houses, the movies, the mall…Who will they run to when they need a shoulder to cry on or need to borrow money or just need someone to listen? Do you really think they can rely on you for any of these things?  Of course not because all you’ve ever been to them is a party, you don’t handle any of the tough stuff and they know this.

If it’s a baseball game, a gymnastic event, a chorus at school you’ll be there; but when we have to meet with the police twice in one year where were you?  When we had to fight the school for extra help for both kids where were you?

Maybe instead of trying to freeze your daughter into believing she is still 5 years old you should embrace the young girl she is becoming. And maybe instead of trying to break all our rules with your son in an effort to be “a friend” you should sit and talk to him about some of the decisions you’ve made and how in life sometimes mistakes happen and we have to learn to make the best of it. How sometimes it’s OK to make mistakes as long as we are honest about them and do whatever we can to learn from them.

Stop now and please take a few minutes to realize what you are doing.  You can hurt me all you want, you can bad mouth me, hate me, whatever – just don’t do it thru your children.  Stop going to your ex-husband and crying to get your own way it only makes you look foolish and childish. I lose more respect for you each time you attempt this behavior. You are a grown woman; act like one. I want your children to know where they came from and to feel like they are the most special children in the world because they are loved by so many. They shouldn’t be put in the middle of an adult conversation or asked to pick sides. Tell them that you love them, that you made mistakes, and that you appreciate what they have and are grateful they have a loving home with loving adults that take good care of them. Let them know that it’s OK to be sad, happy, mad, glad or angry sometimes and that all parents have these emotions. Your son lives in fear of seeing you cry so he makes sacrifices all the time to avoid upsetting; is that really what you want?

You know the children and I have a special relationship and I know in the past this has bothered you but I honestly thought we were past all of this.  I will take the high road and I will put my ego on the back seat like always; because for me it’s about the children.  It hurts bad sometimes to know they aren’t mine; that they won’t ever call me Mom; that I’m financially supporting two children that aren’t mine– but then I remind myself that God put me on this path for a reason and I will do everything I can to fulfill my purpose. These children need as many positive people in their lives as they can find and they need to know that their world is not going to be turned upside down ever 9 months.  I’m here to be their foundation and I’m not moving.  I would prefer to work with you rather than against you; but I can promise you that if this behavior continues you will not like the outcome.

To quote from another writer’s letter “You are manipulative and emotionally retarded.” “You are emotionally immature, consumed by anger, bitterness and jealousy and you have absolutely no idea how damaging your tactics are.”

So again I ask you to stop what you are doing and re-evaluate how you are handling these situations.  Let’s work together honestly without all the bullshit and lies and be an example for these children.  I’m not sure you are capable of handling this but I will always leave the door of hope open.  We don’t need to be the best of friends but we don’t need to be each others enemy’s either.  I know you love your children and I know you’re disappointed with the decisions you’ve made; but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me.  I’m doing everything I can so either work with me or leave us the hell alone.  Do what is right for your children – for once!

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 11, 2011.

One Response to “Dear Bio-Mom to my stepchildren”

  1. Wow! How great it must feel to write this. We have so much to say but no one to say it to that would really really understand, so good for you! Maybe I should try.

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