Dear husband

First of all I love you and I will stick with you until YOU are ready to throw in your towel but there are some things that I need to say to you on behalf of myself, our children and the other people who, no matter how much they love you, will NEVER say anything because they are afraid of making you angry.

Whether or not your children are with you being a parent is a full-time job.  Whether or not you dislike your children’s mother or your step-children’s father being a parent is a full-time job.  Whether or not you like your children or your step-children all of the time being a parent is a full-time job.  You are not allowed to pick and choose the things you are involved in.  You can’t just step in when you feel that someone isn’t pulling their weight to hand down a punishment and then fade into the shadows until you feel the need to make your presence known again.  You can’t Tweet or Facebook your love for your family for the world to see but never let the words pass your lips to your family.

It is unfair of me to not tell you things but/because your reactions frighten me.  It is unfair for me to not be able to tell you things but/because your reactions frighten me.  Everyone is familiar with your temper.  I am familiar with your double-standards when it comes to just about everything.  Your lack of affection is painful. Your lack of interest in me and the boys is painful.  Because we love you we give you chance, after chance, after chance but we are the ones who are hurting when it seems all you feel is anger most of the time.

Do you realize that your son & step-sons love you?  Don’t you realize that they want(ed) to be close to you regardless of their relationships with their other parents?  How many times have you pushed them away with ugly words and profanity laced confrontations and they have found it in their hearts to forgive you?  Do you not realize that every time they forgave you they were saying, “I still want you to be a part of my life.  I still want you to be my dad.”?  You destroyed your relationship with your son.  It wasn’t his mother.  Good or bad, children retain memories and they are affected by their pasts.  Your well-intentioned promises always seem to end up empty when things don’t go according to your plans.  Your anger, past and present, casts a black cloud over the lives of the people who love you.  They won’t forget the names they and their other parents have been called.  They won’t forget the terrible things you have said to them or about their other parents.  I won’t forget the things you have said to me about myself or our boys.  We can all forgive you but it is hard to forget, especially when we all know it is only a matter of time before it happens again.

When you are at your best, you are the absolute best.  When you are at your worst, I don’t know you.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t……

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on November 8, 2010.

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