To My Husband’s Ex-Wife

When I met my husband, you were nowhere around.  You had already divorced him.  You left him to be with another man which led to your divorce.  You were already living by yourself for several months.  You wanted nothing to do with your ex-husban.  You were enjoying your single life and dating other men.  That all changed when you found out he fell in love with me.  You treat me like I’m the “other woman” but I had nothing to do with your divorce.  I would never start a relationship with a married man.  I did not even meet my husband until after your divorce was final.

Ever since you found out about me, you have been jealous, manipulative, evil, and just downright ugly.  I did nothing to you to cause any of it besides marry the man you did not want.   I had hoped we would get along for the sake of your daughter, but you refuse to consider it.  I am not a home wrecker.  You did that all by yourself.  I don’t understand why it wasn’t good enough for you just to destroy your own marriage but you want to try to destroy our marriage too.  I love my husband, and he loves me.  I’m not going anywhere.  So just stop.  Stop stalking my husband.  Stop showing up to every place you think he will be.  Stop looking for reasons to call him.  Stop with the manipulation.  Stop using your daughter as a pawn.  Stop trying to play the victim role.  Stop acting like you have a right to be disrespectful to my husband and to me.  I used to respect you as my stepdaughter’s mother, but the crazier you act, the more I lose respect.  I never say evil things about you in front of your daughter but I know you have said some about me.  That is not good.

My stepdaughter is 2 ½ years old.  I have been loving her and helping to take care of her for over a year.  I have changed diapers and wiped tears, fed her, and rocked her to sleep.  I comb her hair so she can look nice when she goes to daycare and to church.  I play with her, buy her things, and pick her up from the daycare.  I teach her and make sure she’s well taken care of.  I do this because I love my husband and I love my stepdaughter.  I don’t do it to try to replace you as her mother.  I have a daughter myself, and I would not want to interfere with the relationship you have with your daughter.  But you have no reason to hate me and no right to try to teach your daughter to hate me too.  Would you rather me be a wicked stepmother?  I cannot do that.  But you are making my role as her stepmother difficult.  This not only hurts and affects us, but it will also hurt your daughter.  Let your daughter love me.  She will always know you are her mother.  Whether you like it or not, I’m more than just her father’s wife.  I am her stepmother and I love her.  I treat her like my own daughter.  That’s not to be disrespectful to you.  I do that because we feel it’s best for every person involved.

You have questioned how my kids and I treat your daughter.  You have said mean things about my kids.  You have gone too far.  How dare you talk bad about my kids?  You don’t know them and they have nothing to do with this.  My kids love your daughter and so do I.  We have ALWAYS been good to your daughter.  Your daughter loves you a lot, and you know she loves her dad a lot too.  But what you don’t know is she loves us too.  Don’t try to change that.  I want her to grow up healthy and strong.  I want her to do great things.  I’m concerned about her future.  I know you are too.  So please stop doing things that will destroy her.

You need to start accepting responsibility for your own actions.  You have questioned how I treat your daughter but how did you treat her?  You left her and her dad when she was a newborn to chase after a relationship that didn’t work out.  You have moved her from place to place ever since then.  You have brought people in and out of her life.  But you want to play the victim.  When your daughter is with us, she is safe and stable, loved and well take care of.  If you would stop hating me for a moment and stop feeling sorry for yourself, then you would be able to see this.

You have tried to turn my husband’s family against me.  You have tried to get my husband to leave me and come back to you.  You are doing too much.  This not healthy for you or anyone else involved.  I feel sorry for you.  I hope you change.  But if you don’t, then I know you will reap what you sow.  One day you might want to get married again.  You will have to pay for how you are treating me.  I hope you come to your senses long before you have to learn the hard way.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on October 29, 2010.

2 Responses to “To My Husband’s Ex-Wife”

  1. Thank you for the opportunity to read this letter to your stepdaughter’s mother. I have a lot of insecurities with my daughter’s stepfamily and your letter gave me a new point of view on how her stepmom may feel. I have always worried that all of her kindness was to replace me and although I don’t make it known it upsets me, this internal demon has been eating at me and making me so miserable. I was happy to read that you as a stepmom see the love your stepdaughter has for her mom and you respect it. I hope that’s how my daughter’s stepmom feels too. Thanks.

  2. Thank you for your letter. It has helped me to realise I am not alone in the challenging world of blended families and ex wives! I, too, met my husband- to-be long after his divorce. His wife left him to move in with another man to whom she is now married. Yet, she assumes ownership of my partner; she calls and emails him constantly; he is her emotional punching bag; her knight in shining armour who needs to rescue her from all of life’s ills – debt and other financial woes, ill health, unhappiness at work, and on and on… Their children are adults; yet she feels she has a right to take over our lives. She never stops asking for money; we are now in debt as my partner keeps borrowing against our home to feed her needs! I have tried to be supportive and understanding; I love him dearly and want to have a future with him. While I know that his ex will always be a part of his life, and while I am willing to treat her and their children with respect, I am not prepared to share my partner with her. And we are not financially responsible for her. I have reached the point where I am prepared to walk away from the love of my life. My heart will break (and his will too) but I can no longer do this… To all the exes out there who are blaming all but themselves for their unhappiness, get help – please! You will never regain what you have lost; and you will never be truly happy or at peace if you try to build your future on the wrecks of the lives you have ruined.

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