Dear Bio-Mom

What is going on with you? I really truly believe that you have lost your mind. This is not something that I am just saying because of our feelings towards each other. Every day that you have daughter I worry that you will either skip town or find a way to keep us from seeing her during our very small and unfair window of “designated” time. You have no stable home and no source of income yet somehow you are allowed to be the custodial parent. Why is this? Because you gave birth to her you automatically get that right? What about her dad’s rights? What makes the court decide your relationship with her matters more than his? And it shouldn’t even be this way. She should be allowed to have a loving relationship twith BOTH parents hat consists of equal parenting time. Why do you feel like you have to guard her time with us so closely? What are you afraid will happen if she gets to spend more than every other weekend and holidays with us? Are you afraid she will love you less? Because she is a baby, and she has enough love in her heart for all of us. It doesn’t have to be a game of “who does she love more”. That is not healthy and it is not fair to her. You are robbing her from a chance to independently develop her feelings towards her dad. She loves him so much right now and it scares me so much that you will do everything that you can for the next 16 years to make her feel that if she loves you she cannot love him. Why would you want that for your own daughter? How selfish and self absorbed can you be?  I wish that you were the type of parent that would put your personal feelings towards us aside and just let us spend time with her. I get so jealous that you get to have so much time with her and are not willing to share. It is so hard for me when we drop her off after the weekend and I know that you get to spend the next two weeks with her. And what do we get until our next weekend comes up? Two hours on Thursday? I just don’t understand how that makes any sense. Your daughters father is an amazing parent who loves his daughter so much. There are so many single women that would give anything to have their ex be involved in their child’s life. Why aren’t you like that?

The worst part is that part of me is happy you have gone off the deep end. Part of me thinks, maybe this means we will get primary custody. Isn’t that horrible? But I think maybe this means that you can’t use her as a bargaining tool to get people to do what you want, Maybe you going crazy means that she will live with us in a stable, healthy, positive and consistant home. I worry so much about your behaviors effect on her. She already says things that she hears you yell…..No 2 year old should say shit or go away or im mad. She sees you physically and verbally assault your parents, her dad, me, and anyone else who “wrongs you”. Do you think that is okay? Do you think she doesn’t pick up on that? How many people in your life do you have to isolate before you understand that the problem is you. Even your parents are done with you and your rages. They bend over backwards to support you and you are too wrapped up in your own misery to see that. After they had to evict you for violence, couldnt you take a step back and see that you are out of control? Right now we are all walking on eggshells around you because we are afraid that you will disappear with daughter. You mistake our willingness to give in to your demands, listen to your verbal assaults, and let you win your stupid power struggles as proof that you are “right” and everyone else is “wrong”. The truth is that we could care less what you think or say or feel about anything…all we care about is our relationship with daughter.

You and I have never had a functional relationship but when anyone has ever asked me if you are a good mom I have always said yes. Before this month you took care of daughter had a stable home for her, kept her grandparents involved in her life…..but now I say ABSOLUTELY NOT. I really truly believe that our home is now where she needs to be. I feel this way, her dad feels this way and now, the only people that have continued to support you and defend you despite the way you treat them, your parents feel that way. You are so out of control that even your parents have agreed to testify in court that you are not safe for daughter to be with.

What is wrong with you? I wish for just one day I could get inside of your head and see what is going on. It is clear that you are on drugs, I believe you are self medicating to try and deal with whatever you are feeling but it is only making things worse. How much longer can you go on like this without accepting help? How long can you go on convincing yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong? How long do we have to pray that she is safe with you?

I have loved your daughter from the minute i met her and have always wished that she lived full time with us. I his is something that I openly  admit. I wished this but I knew that she needed to be with her mom just as much as her dad. I just don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe in the future when you are healthier but not now. I do not like you and you do not like me but that is where the similarities end. Unlike you I can put those feelings aside and see what is best for daughter. I wish so much that you could do the same and stop being selfish, let us keep her full time while you get healthy. We are not like you, we would not try and keep her from you once you were rational and sane again. We want you to get better so she can have a positive relationship with you but you have to stop fighting everyone and stop thinking we are all out to get you. We don’t care about you enough to be out to get you. We care about her, Why don’t you get that?

So now its down to court again. Now we have to spend money we don’t have and go through the exhaustive roller coaster of emotions throughout each court date and order and violation and on and on…and in the meantime daughter gets dragged through all of our stupid adult mess. Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated with daughters father because he always tries to see some kind of good in you or convince himself that one day the three of us will get along. He is hopeful for her sake but I truly believe that you will never let go of whatever rage you have that causes you to hate us for wanting to love daughter.


I don’t want it to be like this. I know you think that I do but I really don’t. I wish so much that you and her dad got along and that you and I could be in the same room without you screaming at me. It is so hard for me to bite my tongue when you do and I just pray that I don’t ever let you get the best of me and yell back. I will be so angry at myself if I do. But its hard. I admit that I have felt insecure when we thought you were actually trying to be a coparent but that would have been okay. I would have been okay with dealing with jealousy and insecurity if that meant daughter could have a mom and dad that could communicate.

So, biomom, I think you are a selfish, immature, angry, disturbed person who needs serious help from a doctor. I do dislike you. I admit I hate everything about you except that without you I would not know daughter. So yes, I hate you. But I really want you to get help and get better. I do want custody of daughter but I dont want her to lose her relationship with you to get it. I want you to get better and then cooperate with us on allowing us to have more time with her.

In the meantime we will just go to court and see if someone, anyone, will understand what is going on and for once be on our side.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on October 19, 2010.

One Response to “Dear Bio-Mom”

  1. I think maybe her problem is all of the negative energy that you send out with your feelings of her, that more than a weekend visit, will rub off on the baby(eventually) Maybe try not havig so much contempt and maybe don’t take so much credit for all of the things that YOU have done for her daughter, that might help her feel a little better. And might help her to loosen up the reigns. If you have all these feelings about the bio-mom, it’s possible they are coming out in your body language and that is going to hurt the little girl too. Just a thought ..

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