Dear stepmom

I just dropped my son off with you so he can live his dad and I’m not overlooking the fact that you will be taking care of him as well.

I know you and I have had our differences over the years. At times we could have killed each other. But I’m glad to see that both of us learned our respective places and have grown up enough to accept each other. It wasn’t until I became a step mom myself that I realized all the lines I crossed with you and I am sorry. I try to mind my manners now and I’m thankful that you do too. I guess it took you realizing that I wasn’t going anywhere to accept me and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you, so thank you.

It kills me for my son to prefer it over there instead of with me, but I suppose that’s his M.O. He has been swapping between our houses for years now and I’m sure he will want to come back with me again soon enough. But I want you to know I thank you for dealing with this when you don’t have to. And being such a lady about it.

I wish there was more I could do to help you. I feel guilty for putting him on you like this. I know that’s what my ex expects of you and you feel obligated to do it but that doesn’t mean you have to…but you do anyway (when it’s hard for you I’m sure) because it’s the right thing so thank you, again.

P.S My ex better be good to you or he will have to deal with us both!


Bio Mom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on August 10, 2010.

11 Responses to “Dear stepmom”

  1. This is so nice. I am sure the stepmom appreciates your comments. I would have killed for something like this from the biomom in my situation but I”m afraid this takes too much class. Good for you!

  2. Oh my goodness….can you come be “our” biomom….please!!! I’ll pay you : )

  3. To the above poster…get in line. 😉
    To the original poster – it takes guts, both to do what is right for your son at the moment, over and above your own feelings, and to speak to the stepmom’s nurturing side. It’s so nice that you are able to see “both sides” – so many simply can’t. Best of luck to you, your son, and everyone involved. You’re still his mom. 🙂

  4. Dear Original Poster, I admire you. What a mum you are! It took me becoming a BM to understand and accept much more the BM in my life as a SM. I am not sure that I wish being a SM on our BM but if it ever happens, I hope that she can get it too. Your letter makes me think that all hope is not lost.

  5. This is a LOVELY letter. As a stepmom I wonder how the perspective of the biomom in my life would change if she were ever to become a stepmom herself. I was very touched by the sentiment of your letter so thank you for sharing!

  6. I hope this doesn’t stay anonymous 🙂 What a lucky boy to have moms that both care and can get along! I am sure the stepmom appreciates the kind words and apology I know I would!! Spread the love!

  7. Thank you all for the nice comments. It took MANY years, tears and fights but she and I finally get along and I am grateful to her. I have apologized to her and she to me. I only hope it repaired some damage and I believe it did. I’m sure she drove away shocked bc she never thought she would hear that from me but it was true.

    She does have a place in my son’s life. She can make him behave and set him straight when he gives me fits and runs over me and I LOVE her for that! He he.

    I hope it works out with all of you and in case you are wondering how long it took-we started up when my son was 2. He is now 12 so it takes some time and some pride swallowing. I believe I was too eager to critique her all these years. I never fully understood her plight until I became a stepmom myself and became gulity of several of those same “offences” myself.

    I dont condone the things that may have happened, as there have been MAJOR offences on both our parts but I see now what drives a woman to overreact in given situations. How easy it is to feel betrayed and rise against it. And how sometimes the child suffers for it, even when you know it’s wrong. I feel sympathy for her and guilty knowing I caused some of it. and most of all, I am able to forgive her and I hope she has me too bc I truly wish the best for her, my son and my ex husband. I know it isnt easy to have to deal with me in her life–at the games, at her church sometimes, stopping by her house for things and I try to honor her place bc she honors mine with class and a smile.

    Good luck to all of you.

    • My stepdaughter is 2-years-old. Her biomom hates me and constantly disrespects me and my marriage. Reading this gives me hope that one day things may change. Right now things are very frustrating. I wish we could put an end to all of this for the sake of the kids and peace. Congrats to you for being able to find that place.

  8. you are fortunate the stepmother honors your place in the child’s life especially now she is the residential stepparent because not many do. A sense of entitlement develops with some followed by marginalization of your role as “Mom” because society isn’t kind to a non-residential mother.

    Good luck to you. That was a very courageous move on your part but remain cautiously optimistic too. With this move, there is another adjustment with a whole lot of opportunity for both of you to make mistakes…hopefully, unlike my situation, they are innocent ones.

  9. Wow. I think we all wish that letter were for us. They don’t teach kids to live by the Golden Rule anymore; it’s up to the parents and stepparents to do so, and too many overlook that due to their own defensiveness, competition, and anger over a failed relationship that may have happened years ago. I hope you someday let your son see this letter because you are a great mom, and a great person. Good luck and blessings.

  10. This was a great letter and I do hope that someday you will share this with the stepmom in your situation. I am sure that she will really appreciate it and that it will mean a lot to her. Like others have said, reading this makes me have a little hope that one day maybe BM in our situation and I can finally get along and do whats best for SD! Thanks so much for sharing with us!

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