Dear Bio Mom

I find it so difficult to feel sorry for you. I know that I should. I know that you are obviously very, very damaged. That the common sense, healthy spirit that my incredible upbringing and The Lord have given me you are lack. I know that this is sad. I know that you did not choose to be taught so very little about life and how a person ALWAYS (not sometimes, not most of the time, but ALWAYS) contributes in some way to the circumstances in their own life.

This is one key lesson you have obviously missed. I have tried and continue to try to teach this fact to your two daughters. We are not victims; stuff doesn’t happen to us that we can’t control. It always falls back on us in some way shape or form. You never seem to see how you contribute to situations. I should feel sorry for you that you are missing this valuable piece of information. I should feel sorry because I know that until you learn this your life will always be in turmoil.

I should…. I want to….

However all my pity gets lost in large tidal waves of fury.

My emotions always override my intellect. How can you be over 30 and not have at least started to learn this???? How can you act whatever way YOU want and do whatever YOU want with no thought to how it affects your children or anyone for that matter??? How can you twist everything to put yourself as the poor victim that was abused once again???

Don’t you know that normal people don’t live like you??? That most people don’t have the drama that follows you around???

This is not normal and this isn’t just because you were born to have an excessive amount of hardships. YOU are the common denominator and a huge factor as to why the world responds to you in such a negative way.

You have and continue to damage two incredibly precious girls. I feel as though I am always cleaning up your mess. Picking up the pieces that you scatter on the ground, desperately trying to put them back together in some picture of health and wholeness.

I am not your enemy. Believe it or not neither is my husband. We are not fighting some war with you. You seem to think we are out to get you. Trust me we are spending far too much time and energy every day trying to live the best life that we can to wage a war against you. We wish nothing more than for you to step up and be the mom those girls need.

I cannot replace you. Even if these adoption papers go through as you are so boldly pushing for so you will not have to pay a dime for those girls ever again, it will not change that you are their birth mother. There are bits that they need from you that I cannot give. I will always be utterly inadequate. They need you.

Waves of sadness sometimes dull the fury – sadness for those two girls. For the damage that you do without thought or care.

I just want to shake you and make you see how you are contributing to this situation….. I know that obviously my husband and I don’t respond well to you. Honestly though I don’t know if anyone, but Jesus himself is equipped to deal with the level of mental illness you have???

I have yet to meet one person that can deal with you for any length of time and this includes your own blood family.

Why can’t you see that you need help? Why can’t you see that you are off kilter?? That you are hurting the three people that should mean the most to you???

Last but not least I am so sick and tired of you holding your marriage and relationship to my husband over my head! I did not steal him from you. You were married and pregnant when I met him. You threw him away with your cheating ways. I know that he was not a perfect mate to you, nor is he to me, nor am I to him and no you weren’t to him either….

Perfection does not exist (you would be wise to learn this lesson as well).

However you cannot speak to me like I am some clueless girlfriend anymore – spewing off stories and warning me to wait for the devil that lurks beneath those charming, warm brown eyes!

You were with this man for ten years, off and on (a lot of off I might add). I have been with him for seven years, married for five (no off time). We have been through a great number of experiences, including injuries, two children moving in, parental sickness, financial strain and of course your constant insanity. We have fought, we have been through some dark times and I have not seen the devil you describe. I am not a naïve, young girlfriend anymore and I am tired of you treating me like that!!

Maybe you are the same person you were 17 years ago, but this man is not, he is not even the same person he was 7 years ago. As is the case with most of us he has grown and matured. You speak as though the 19 year old boy you first met is the same person as the 36 year old man who is my husband. I don’t think that 36 year old man would even recognize that youthful, insecure boy. I know my 29 year old self would not recognize my 19 year old counterpart. Is this not the same for you??? Do you not get this???

Selfishly I am excited by the possibility of having you out of our lives for good. I have often wished for you to just leave us alone. I so often feel like we are constantly defending, cleaning up or anticipating your craziness…

However for those two wonderful girls and their sister whom I don’t really know I am saddened that this might be the end of contact for many years. It seems the death of all hopes, secret desires that you would see the light, get your act together and be half the mom the girls deserve.

I will never send this to you. There is no point. You would twist it into an attack, another sign of how you are always victimized. Lord knows you don’t need any more excuses to act shameful…..


The Stepmom – Soon to be adoptive mom…..

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on August 5, 2010.

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