To my Stepdaughter’s Mother,

I know that sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we expected. We try our best to make our dreams come true, but we don’t live in fairytales. Not to long ago I was in your corner. I even took time out of my life to help your family move into the new house. I had sympathy for you for all you were going through. Even though I was going through a tough divorce and lost of a baby I still had a hand out to help you. This was nine years ago. How did you repay me? You accused me of having an affair with your husband and 4 other men. You had no sympathy for me or what I was going through. You were so selfish you couldn’t even see the truth of what was going on. So I left you to your own poison. I went on with my own life and left you to yours

One day, about three years ago I get a call from your husband. He decided to leave you and was getting his life back. He called me because we use to be friends and became friends again. I introduced him to my boyfriend and my friends. I let him into my life, as the majority of his friends had abandoned him due to what you said and did. During this time you refused to let him see his daughter. Then you stepped up the crazy. Following me around, showing up at my house, calling all the time. My boyfriend freaked out and I was asked to make a choice. My friend or my boyfriend, we both know the choice I made.

By this time the divorce papers were filed and you were fighting over property and parenting time. Your ex was allowed visitation with the daughter you shared. We decided to take our friendship to another level and fell in love. We spend all of our time together and included your daughter in our relationship. We had tons of fun. Daughter was learning manners and respect. At 12 years old she was learning how to be a pleasant child to be around. She could be a spoiled brat at times, but we could talk to her about her actions and she would respond.

A year and a month after the divorce was final your ex and I decided to get married. We did this for us and for the kid, and all hell broke loose. You couldn’t handle the marriage. You couldn’t handle the fact that your daughter actually liked me. You couldn’t handle the fact that I was going to be living the life you believed you should be living. I became the enemy. I tried to lessen your fears. I tried to come from a place of compassion. I couldn’t imagine losing the love of my life, even if you didn’t treat him that way. I couldn’t imagine having to share my child. I tried to understand so I wouldn’t step on your toes and I tried to make it easier on you. Again, how did you repay me?

You put your daughter into a loyalty bind. You told your daughter lies and try to alienate her from her father. You don’t allow dearest husband any extra time with his child or information regarding the child’s health or education. We have had to fight with you to get anything. You turned your daughter into your BFF and allow her to have parties in which you are drunk with friends and alcohol is out in the open and allow her to drink, at 13. You make our home hell for the kid because we have expectations and consequences. You turn everything around so that any issue is dad’s fault or mine. I’ve stepped back because of the stress my involvement with your daughter causes. You’ve repaid my kindness and compassion by hurting your own child.

I have decided to forgive you for the pain you have caused my husband. I have decided to forgive you the pain you have caused me. I have decided to forgive you for the pain you are causing the kid and for alienating her from her father. I hope one day you learn to forgive yourself and start to heal. I am sorry your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. I can only hope that one day you find happiness. I am sorry my happiness causes you so much pain. I hope one day we can be in the same room without the hostility for the child’s sake. Until then I will be the best stepmom and wife I can be.

From the Wife and Stepmom

~ by Jacquelyn Fletcher on May 7, 2010.

2 Responses to “To my Stepdaughter’s Mother,”

  1. I love this. This is so helpful to see your perspective. My stepdaughter is 14. I struggle with whether or not to speak up when my stepdaughter’s stepmother lashes out. It’s amazing how loud someone can scream in an email. Thus far, I have chosen to not speak at all. I don’t respond to the nasty stories and things said about me. It’s dumbfounding to see my stepdaughter’s mother twist even the happiest of events into something negative about us. By the way, they too are BFFs. Give me a break. You cannot raise a kid being their BFF. We are not BFFS. My husband and I are responsible parents will rules AND consequences. Thus, he is not well liked. It’s so hard to see my stepdaughter berate her father. He is a good, calm, fair person. This ex is mean, angry and blaming. We have set my stepdaughter down and tried to explain that what goes on in our home stays at our home and what goes on at her mom’s stays at her moms. We have no control over what they do and they have no control over what we do. I’m tired of getting emails the week after my stepdaughter goes to her mom’s about what we did to her and what we made her do.

    The behavior is so unhealthy and it’s stressful for me and my husband. I toy with saying something to my stepdaughter and also to ex. Thus far I have held my tongue and so far I have no regrets.

  2. It’s helpful for me to read about other’s experiences so I can make it through one more week of our own.

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