Dear Estranged Husband

I don’t know what happened. How did this happen? I know you loved me. You went through so much to make sure we could be together. I sold my house, left my job, fought a nasty custody battle, and then moved here with my two children to be with you and your two children.

From the moment I walked in the door and set my bags down, something changed. You didn’t help me unpack a single box. You plopped me down, paid the moving bill and went back to your life.

And then the requests for me to look after your kids during our time, during your ex-wife’s time… and then the arguments followed. Nasty arguments. And the arguments coming from you were of how awful it was of me to not be bending over backwards to help you and your ex-wife with your kids.

Everyone seemed oblivious to the fact that mine and my own two children’s lives had changed completely. New town, new schools, new doctor, new dentist, new optometrist, new orthodontist, new grocery stores, new shopping centres, new processes, a bitter ex-husband fighting me ever step of the way, an angry ex-wife trying to impose on me as much as possible and literally challenging my personal character because she wasn’t getting what she wanted, and a husband who was doing the same!

I expected difficulties from your ex-wife – I could see that coming from a mile away and was prepared for that. What I wasn’t at all prepared for, was that you shared her attitude and view on things and what my role would be in this blended family situation. I was completely blind-sided by that… in fact, four years later, I’m still in shock over it all.

I was accused of being selfish, unfair, uncaring, mean, of not loving you, of hating your ex, of being in competition with your ex, of being jealous of your ex, of being damaged from my previous marriage and taking things out on your ex as a result, of being worse than your ex, of not knowing how to be married, and of not knowing how to be a team player.

You accuse me of stonewalling you and say that’s the reason you don’t talk to me, when the reality is that you couldn’t express your true feelings on anything in a basic and comprehensible manner if your life depended on it.

You have told me that you are a wonderful husband and that your communication skills are good enough to get by in any relationship. That it’s my loss.

You’re an idiot, Estranged Husband.

I’ve never met anyone who is so blind to themselves in my life.

I’ve never met anyone who is so blind to his surroundings in my life.

I’ve never met anyone who blames others as much as you do for everything that he feels in my life.

I’ve never met anyone in my life who’s ever been so afraid of his ex-wife as you are.

You have thrown me under the bus time and time again.

Have you managed to preserve yourself, Estranged Husband?

Has leaving me been the freedom you so desired and accused me of detaining you from?

You have sat there across from me time and again, accusing me of things that I see you doing. Projecting yourself onto me.

What happened to you? What happened to the man I fell in love with? What happened to the kind, gentle, loving man who captured my heart? Where did he go?

How did this happen?

Are you happy now? I know your ex-wife is.

Was it worth it to spend all your energy over the past four years trying to keep your ex-wife happy? Was it worth the damage done to our love relationship?

Is she finally calm now? Did leaving me do the trick for you? Is she now back to a manageable state?

You left your wife to keep your ex-wife happy, pal.

And I’m the one who doesn’t know how to be married? I’m the one who doesn’t know how to be a team player?

You are weak. And your ex-wife will continue to prey on that trait of yours, whether I’m in the picture or not.

You’ll see, and then you’ll finally realize that all your efforts to keep her happy throughout our marriage were fruitless and to your own expense.

I loved you and tried really hard to stay strong during your confusion, but now that you’ve walked out on me and my kids, I’m going to just let you go.

I hope your ex was worth it.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on April 30, 2010.

One Response to “Dear Estranged Husband”

  1. This post is heartbreaking. What a tragedy, on so many levels. Peace and healing be with you.

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