Dear Ex Husband

It’s been almost five years and if not for the children I would have chosen to never see or hear from you again. I should have taken my mother’s advice when you originally disappeared. She said, don’t pursue him to see the children, he’ll create his own relationship with them for better or worse.

But I didn’t listen. I didn’t listen because I never had a father and my children–your children deserved more than that.  I should have listened to her. Could the damage that you did to our daughters by being in their lives have been worse had you just vanished? I doubt it. In your absence they could’ve created the perfect fantasy father and filled in all the blanks as I had done as a child. I should have let you go–you useless drunk.

Twenty years of devotion and investment. I put my dreams on hold and gradually pursued them around raising our little family. It was important to me–to us. I prided myself in creating a beautiful nurturing home and being a connected and committed mother. Our children were everything to me. EVERYTHING!

You were my best friend and lover–Mr. always been gay– and although we certainly had our issues over our twenty year marriage I saw the value in working through out problems–all along fighting you on your well contained alcoholism.

But I loved you. I loved you more than any person I have ever loved–other than our children. I trusted you completely. Completely. The you that I thought I knew.

Who were you? Seriously, who were you? Sleeping with me–living one life–and then I come to find out that you were pursuing men? You looked in my face–in my eyes and lived a lie.  Our last 7 months in our home traumatized me. For a year I would wake up suddenly from my sleep reminding myself that I’m okay–that nothings happening right now–I’m safe.

You broke my heart. And once it would have broken your heart to hear those words–but just like that–you turned.
Your eyes filled with disdain when I entered the room–you frightened me. The person I knew, where did he go? And so suddenly.

You felt nothing but your own lustful desires and abandoned the family you created and loved??  For alcohol, promiscuity, dance-clubs, trend, boyfriends, grasping at youth–while your older daughter slowly committed suicide and I begged you–me begging? Sickening–to not leave us. You were gone.

But it wasn’t your fault, right? Because you were gay now  and that makes what you did somehow not your fault.

You disgust me to my core. Narcissist. Whore. Liar. And look at you now. Four almost five years later–
and your living with some man who pays the bills and you’re miserable. Not even a shadow of the man that I once loved.

Pathetic and shaky.

Four almost five years  I’ve dealt with extreme financial hardship–the pain of our children–the inablitly to find work to sustain us–our older child’s disappearance–homelessness.

Our younger child having to move into your beautiful luxury apartment because I couldn’t put a roof over her head and your boyfriend could–sinner. You took away the years that I could have been raising my two precious children and setting them out into the world with bright eyes and hope–you took that away. Keep lieing. Keep denying. Keep your story.
I’ll hold on to the truth

I won’t miss you when you die. Imagine that. The only man I ever loved. The father of my two babies and I won’t shed a tear for you. I detest you.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on April 13, 2010.

2 Responses to “Dear Ex Husband”

  1. I have quite recently separated from the father of my two children. He just dropped them back after taking them out to tea and I could not believe how the man who I loved more than anything could look at me with such disgust even though it was him who left the relationship. I had not cheated on him or anything of the sort. Yet how can he look at me like this. It cuts deep. I typed in ‘my ex husband looks at me with disgust’ and I came up with this blog. I read it and I cried and cried. It touched so many nerves.

  2. I absolutely loved this. Thank you so much for sharing and I pray that your pain will someday pass.

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