Dear Bio Mom

I have no intention of being your friend. I was not ever, nor will I ever be, “on your side”. I am sure you’ve made me out to be the novercal villain and demon to all of your friends. I don’t care. I am sure they don’t see what the rest of the world sees in you.

Do they know that you freeloaded off of my husband for four years? Do they know about the married men you dated? Do they know that you have no desire to work and support yourself and your children? Do they know that your plan for trapping two men by having their kids didn’t work? Do they know what a liar you are? Do they know what a tantrum you threw when my husband told you it was time for you to move out of a house that you lived in for free, didn’t appreciate or take care of? Do they know that all those prayers you asked for when the boy went to the pediatrician were asked for because you didn’t want me there not because he was sick? Did you tell them you acted like a spoiled 14 year old in the waiting room and that you were completely hostile towards me? Did you tell them I acted with dignity and composure? Did you tell them you wouldn’t allow your son’s father access to his own medical care?

Would you rather have someone who didn’t care about your kid taking care of him, or would you rather have someone who is interested in him?

Everyone has had trials and tribulations in their life. You’ve chosen to be a victim and the “sad single mom” to everyone. You’ve manipulated so many people. I think you hate the fact you can’t manipulate me. I know you hate that.

Let’s get this straight. I did not take my husband away from you. It was not my decision to sell the house. I am not trying to take your child away from you. I am the wife. I am the step parent. You are the past in my husband’s life. He doesn’t want you, nor did he really ever. He took pity on you. Your grandmother died the day he was going to break up with you. He was leaving town, remember? He did a noble thing to take care of his child and you have taken every advantage of it.

Get out of my marriage. Stop texting him on days we don’t have the boy. We do not have any of your possessions so don’t look for them in our home. Stop e-mailing him to chat. Stop bad mouthing me to your friends. We are capable of taking care of the boy without your interruptions. It makes it harder for us. You are intrusive. You are not my husband’s BFF. He is a child support check and the dad. Nothing more. You are not welcome in our home. You are not welcome in our lives. You are not welcome.

I realize after a lot of thought and reflection that you cling to him because he was the last man to act like he truly cared about you. I am evil because I took all that away, right? It didn’t take you half a breath to decide on child support yet you will never own up to the tens of thousands of dollars you owe him for all the good he did for you, your other kid, and his son. Though you think yourself a devout Catholic and a Christian, the rest of us see a hypocrite. You are the one who will have to answer in the end.

Most sincerely,

Stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on March 18, 2010.

4 Responses to “Dear Bio Mom”

  1. Step-mom –

    I am new to this site, and FINALLY, there is someone that can identify with my situation. THANK YOU for writing this blog. It’s like looking into a mirror, the way you describe your situation. Being a stepmother is NOT easy, especially when peoople most identify with the “mother”, simply becuase she is the mother. This blog really gives me some relief to know that there are other people who feel the same way, and keep pressing foward.

  2. Hi Stepmom..I am new at this side. I live on the other side of the world, but we have the same kind of situation. Thanks for sharing this. I am not friendly to the ex-wife and I dont want to be friendly towards her. I have never asked for her to be in our life in the way she is. We have never asked for the aggreration she causes us….all my husband wanted is to have a normal relationship with his kids…which she is not willing to give. She manipulated the kids….tells ugly stories about me and for no reason stopped us from seeing the kids. There is so much anger inside of me, which I cannot always show because of my husband and the situation we are in. He misses his kids…and as I am thinking you must be out of your mind to ever layed eyes on this woman….I know this is not fair but this is how I feel!…thanks for sharing

  3. Wow.

    I’m an ex-wife, and that’s fine by me. I’m also a custodial single mom.

    As I read up on stepmom situations, and how best to talk to a stepmom without pissing her off, I am blown away not just by the level of hatred but by the constant refrain: “I didn’t ask for this.”

    Well, the thing is…you did. If you married a man with minor children, then yes, you asked for it. The kids’ mom is part of the deal. She doesn’t vanish for your convenience, even — or especially — if you can’t have kids of your own and just want to love the kids and pretend she doesn’t exist. This is exactly why I want no part of marriage to a man with minor children. It means you must play host to his children, and his ex, whether or not you even like them. Pretty much forever. It’s like the worst mother-in-law story ever.

    I understand that in the rush of romance, it’s easy to imagine that the kids are just visiting cuteness and that their mom doesn’t really exist. But if you’re going to get in there and get your hands dirty with marriage…then that’s what you’re marrying. And frankly, the spot sucks. It’s all responsibility, no power. If I were ever crazy enough to do such a thing for a man, I’d want to make sure I shared values and friendship with the mom, first, and that we were tight enough for me to be cool with taking her on as a relative. Because even if I hardly ever saw her, I’d be living with her voice in my house.

    I would also make sure the guy and I had separate bank accounts, that he understood my money didn’t belong to his kids or his ex, and that he likewise understood that I wasn’t the on-call babysitter. I don’t see any faster road to resentment than spending your money and time and energy on someone else’s kids when you have no say, in the end, over what goes on with them. Not to mention no rights if you divorce.

    If you don’t want another woman in your marriage, don’t marry a divorced dad of minor children. I don’t know any simpler way to say it. We don’t vanish just because you want a nice family life, we sure didn’t ask for you in our lives, and we’re unlikely to cede to your unilateral ideas of what makes good childrearing. While most of us don’t want to fight with you or put our kids in the middle, we also don’t want to deal with your resentments that stem from your unrealistic expectations. I would suggest that any prospective stepmom investigate thoroughly the realities of stepmotherhood before signing on. The expenses, the aggravations, all of it. It’s likely to be harder than you thought, having an ex-wife in your marriage and showing up routinely in the form of the children and financial responsibility, and you need to be a pretty sturdy soul — very secure in yourself — in order to handle it over years, even decades.

    I’d be annoyed, too, if my ex’s gf took to calling me a “bio-mom”, and would regard it as both hostile and insecure of her. As far as I’m aware, “biological mothers” are women who’ve given their children up for adoption. My daughter calls me Mama, and I earn that name every day. I raise her, and I pay 3/4 of the bills here on my own. It’s hard work, and her dad hasn’t often made it easier. If it makes a gf or wife insecure, then…you know, I’m sorry, but that’s her issue, not mine, and certainly not my daughter’s. She and the gf or wife can work out whatever they like for what to call her, but the lady will be leaving “Mama” alone if she wants to keep peace.

  4. Still Here — I loathe when biological moms tell stepmoms that they should have known what they were getting into when they married a man with children. That’s like telling a biological mom that she’s not allowed to be frustrated when something negative is going on with her own children. Using that logic, biological moms shouldn’t complain when they are exhausted from being up with their child all night, arguing with a 2-year old about sleeping rituals or fighting with teenager about anything. After all, you got pregnant and you had a child. You should have known what you were getting yourself into.

    As for calling the woman who carried the child a biological mother — yes, I will call a stepchilds’ mother that. It is what you are. Your children have several mothers in their lives: Biological Mother, Grand Mother, Step Mother….. You don’t get the sole title of “Mom” just because you gave birth.

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