My Dearest Husband

First and foremost I love you and respect you without condition, I hope that you do the same.

I really don’t even know where to start and you must know that I hesitate to put anything in writing to you, I can’t stand the idea of being added to your historical collection which is why I will never give this to you myself.

There are so many times that I feel insignificant in your life. Your lifestyle, habits, traditions, and values have been a lifetime in the making. I don’t want to change who you are, I want to be a part of it. I realize your loyalty to your family and your son, it is not my intent to minimize those relationships. I know their value. In fact I am often envious that you make them a priority, I wished that someone in my own life had done the same for me.

Ironically it is in those same relationships that bring anxiety, resentment, hurt, anger, guilt, and insecurities in to ours. My version of family blending looks nothing like the one we’ve ended up with. Forget that your son’s mother has so many issues (PAS) that affect our home (I’m trying to be tolerant in this area, I really am), I thought that our traditions, values, and lifestyles, would be more interconnected and that we would even create some of our own. None of that of that holds true. When I try to talk to you about compromise for even just the holidays I somehow offend you and any consideration to my wishes are completely discarded. I feel like I have had to sacrifice so many parts of who I am because there is no room for negotiation.

I want and need more clearly defined roles. I will never be happy simply living in your house. I can continue to cook and clean, but beyond that this is still your home. You are the “dad” mine too. However dysfunctional, I already have a father, one I seldom ask permission of, and one that doesn’t readily see my faults. I need to be involved in many of the aspects that I have been inadvertently isolated from.

You are a great provider and the most responsible person that I have ever met, but I have no idea the when, what, and how much in regard to our financial situation. I don’t even make our grocery list. I know that we agreed that finances is an area that you would be responsible for, I guess I just assumed that I would be included in the process. I never dreamed that my every expenditure would be so critically analyzed or that I would not be able to purchase items that I needed or wanted without prior approval or that even then I was subject to denial or that you would be the one making the purchase. I’ve gotten used to the shopping set-up and usually I don’t mind, but sometimes wish that I felt like I could run and grab something outside of your norm. Remember I’m still a “foodie” and enjoy a more diverse diet.

I realize that I didn’t not bring as much to the financial table as you did, however I was self-sufficient prior to my relocation and sought no financial gain from this marriage. I worked, paid my bills, and still was able to have my hair and nails done. I know our financial picture isn’t the best right now and that sacrifices need to be made, but even when I was working, I wasn’t afforded those things. Though I’m not oblivious to the additional stress placed on you, unemployment has not changed much of my motivation in regards to employment, for me things are exactly the same.

I should not have asked you about the adoption of my son, I know that relationship is strained and a work in progress that is not ready for such a huge step. With my family being so far away he has not built those relationships, it scares me in his current mind set what my death might do to him, in my anxiety I let that drive me. You so willingly took on the responsibility of little girl that I assumed that you would want the same for my son. I didn’t see your perspective for that I am sorry and I cannot take it as a personal rejection.

In my anxiousness I feel the need to make arraignments in the event that I am the one that God chooses to take from this earth. I would however value and appreciate your thoughts on an alternative.

I have become increasingly more apprehensive in regard to the “what if’s.” I am completely dependent on you in every aspect, a very scary place to be when nothing in my life has allowed that type of dependency, not even in childhood. I have completely submitted myself to you. I live in fear of that submission, especially when the “what if’s” are factored in. I never want to have to consider a life without you, but because tomorrow is not a guarantee and no one knows God’s plan it would be foolish to be oblivious to the fact that you could be taken away from me.

I know that if God decided that you weren’t coming home to me today, I would become self-sufficient again one day. I did not marry you for financial gain and would gladly sacrifice my own life for yours. However, it hurts me so deeply that provisions have been made for your son’s mother, your son, your brother, and your father, over me.

I’m not asking for you to change your 401K, if it is your preference that your brother and father be the benefactors, then leave it. The big life insurance policy I know is court ordered, I’ve never questioned that. I only ask that in the event that the unspeakable happen that you ensure I get to keep your house, at this point your minor child’s mother would have control of the home you had built, for a life that did not include her. Initially I was okay with “I just haven’t made the time” when I asked you about many of these things. That was 3 years ago, I’m still waiting for my turn in so many areas of your life. So often you tell me steps that we will take, but there is no follow through. I know we live this crazy busy life, but you drop so many things for so many people, can I please be one of them?

I beg that you won’t take my words as attacks or criticisms and won’t make choices in anger. As you did when I wanted a compromise for holiday celebrations. I knew what your response was going to be, I though that waiting until we weren’t in the midst of that time of year would offer a cushion, but it did not. Instead you allowed your irritation with the idea that I did not want to spend the entire season every single year with them to guilt me into feeling like I was selfish for even considering my own feelings or those of my children in the matter. I’ve never asked you to sacrifice your family or your loyalties for them. I simply would like a balance that includes me and even some of my preferences.

It is not my intent to keep pounding you over the head; I love you beyond measure I simply don’t know how to communicate with you without fighting, continued sacrifice and feelings of ambivalence.

The Wife

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on March 16, 2010.

2 Responses to “My Dearest Husband”

  1. just remember one basic thing. ALL THIS WAS THERE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN IN THE PICTURE SO WHEN U FOUND OUT AND AGREED AND NOW U WANT ALL TO CHANGE U should really forget and forget because all the changes would have happened already.

  2. Wow! How sad. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry to have to say, but it sounds like you’re being used. GROSSLY! If you haven’t already, start stashing some money for yourself. Pursuit self-sufficiency NOW! Don’t wait until your worse ‘what-if’ materializes. Get your affairs in order NOW! It never ceases to amaze me how deeply selfish some men can be. If your husband cannot so much as bend on Christmas traditions for your family, there are some deeper issues to be dealt with.

    Now…in terms of life insurance, isn’t there a regulation that REQUIRES one’s spouse to sign permission for someone other-than-the-spouse to be the beneficiary of said policy? I’d look into that. I hope and pray that your husband alloted at least some part of the benefits for you and your children.

    If not, I’d be gone in heartbeat. What kind of fool puts his brother and father in front of his wife if something happens to him?!?!?!

    My heart goes out to you…

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