To My Stepdaughter

So you have finally made the decision to move in with the mother who abandoned you, the woman who never visited, called, or even remembered your birthday. Now that you are 17 she is so cool, she is the greatest. I hope that you get every desire fulfilled by her, I hope that I am wrong and that you are not making the biggest mistake in the world and will probably regret it the rest of your life. I know from your daily postings on your FACEBOOK that you hate me and your father. That we are horrible people that expected you to finish high school go to college and make something of yourself. I know that it is easy for you to blame me afterall I am the “evil” stepmother. The one who ruined everything for you. The one who helped your dad build a stable life for you and your brothers, helped buy and build and brand new house where you had your own room. You have your own car which you did not have to pay for that you have complained about everyday since you got it. It may not be the cool car you think you deserve but yet my 16 year old still goes without one.

I hate you for trying to blame everything on your dad. You are responsible for the outcome of your life. You pushed me out— no shoved my out.  I have not spoken more than a few words when forced to in the past year. Even when you still send me text messages asking me to do things for you. Because when you want something that is the only time I am good for anything. I really don’t know why you think you deserve to be treated as a princess and still nothing is EVER good enough for you.

How are you going to explain to your brothers someday that the mother did not want any of you invited YOU to come live with her? Will you become and alcoholic? Drug addicted? Maybe be a stripper like she suggested? Because afterall as she says education is overrated and you don’t need it.

Now I count down the days until you leave this house, I am looking forward to it December 19th. You have made life miserable for me and my children for long enough. Your father is nice enough to say you are welcome at Christmas time, we know the only reason you would every show up is for the gifts. But he is such a wonderful dad so yes there will be gifts for you. He is even going to sign the car you hate over to you and your mom.

I was not much older than you when my dad died and not a day goes by that I don’t wish I had him back. I know that someday you will see your mom for who she really is and will see your father for who he is. I just hope it will not be too late.

As for me , I would love for you to wake up one day and realize you screwed up trying to ruin our lives. I hope that I have forgiven you by then and we will be able to have relationship. And that you will embrace your three step siblings instead of hating them for being happy for what they have and not complaining. See my kids biological dad is dead they don’t have the option of running instead of growing up. They had to do that 4 years ago. I hope you eventually grow up too and think about someone besides yourself.

Your fathers wife and “mother” to your brothers

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on December 7, 2009.

12 Responses to “To My Stepdaughter”

  1. I could have written this letter. I’m so sorry that you, too, are being treated like crap by a step-child. Hugs!

  2. Wow, I could have also written this letter. I am trying so hard to not hate my step-daughters but they make it very hard to be successful at it. I will also say I’m so sorry you are also being treated as the evil step-mom, a piece of dog crap and overall general worthless piece of you-know-what. Sigh

  3. Sadly this is what happens when one parent is a loser (in your situation the mother), and the other parent feels sorry/guilty for the child and they over-indulge the child’s every whim to try to make themselves feel better. It’s very painful to witness it, or be in a situation where you or your children are directly impacted by it.

    Take care of yourself and your children, and let the chips fall where they may with your step-daughter.

    Hugs to you.

  4. I am so glad I did a search on google and found this. For us its the other way around. I am the mother of a 17 year old girl that has left home abruptly to move in with her girlfriend, with her estrange fathers help. He never even remembered her birthday but she made contact with him so he could pay for her to move to another state to live with her girlfriend that has caused our family so much grief. I have her and her brother aged 18, and 3 step daughters aged 19, 13 & 10. My husband has always been blamed for my daughters family breaking up, he is the evil step dad. He has been more the father that her own father. She has blocked me of facebook however has rubbished our family for the whole world to see, even our family from all around the world. She has even shunned her step sisters. It happened so quickly that I didnt have time to comprehend what was going on. Its all about her yet we are all in a spin with heartache. Its been over a month that she has gone, and we are still trying to recover. Thank you for such a strong letter, it helped me see that it happens to others too and we need to be there to show eachother that we are not alone.
    Thank you xx

  5. I’m a little shocked by this letter actually. Quite harsh comments to a 17 year old. When things are posted on the internet they are out there forever. I understand how difficult it is to be a step-parent, but I find some of this a little juvenile and depressing. All kids challenge their parents at some point – step children are no different. You must remember that the step family (not blended, not everyone mixes up nicely when two families join) is created out of something devastating for the children, not out of love like it is for the two adults in the situation. Life is also a little easier when the bio parent is responsible for the discipline. The step should only back up the rules. I can empathize with you, but please, don’t take things personally. This is a difficult situation for kids. I know, I’m living it too. Take care.

    • To the last comment. I am sorry that you find this juvenile and YES it is depressing. THIS 17 year old knows exactly what she is doing. I have not ever been the one who disciplined her. I have done all the things the books, websites, and therapists have said to do. This letter was written out of my broken heart for trying to love a child who does not want to be loved.
      Maybe you don’t understand the concept of this website. It is for us to vent our frustrations, pains and hurts. Yes it is out there for all to see but you don’t know me or who I am. And being able to vent the painful feelings and have others help that have been there or are in this situation. I am well aware that not all families blend well. I applaude you if you are in a stepfamily situation that is perfect. But then I wonder why you reading things on this website? I am shocked by the fact that you felt you had the right to condemn me for my feelings. I have vented many times on this website and this is the first time I feel this way. Thanks for ruining the only way I had to survive.

      • Michelle, you feel what you do because you are living it. I empathise with you as we are living it also. Its hard for some to understand why we feel like we do, but I guess pain and trying everything but nothing works makes you this way. I’m glad you vented, it has helped me to see that I’m not alone in feeling what I or my husband do. Don’t be discouraged, just know you are living your truth. Bless xx

  6. Thanks Rose.

  7. I totally understand. I am living a similar life. My former stepdaughter not only hates me, she has made a point of telling lies about me to everyone that will listen, including her brother and sister. Never mind that they have lived with us at times, and she has been the one who has demeaned, bullied, threatened, and even attacked them (and her mother and stepfather several times) with kitchen chef’s and steak knives… She makes it hard for them to love me, to like me, and to not join in on her comments. I know this because they feel bad about it later, and tell me. She herself has told me about times where she, her mother, and her aunt have sat around just talking smack about me. She almost ruined the relationship between her father and i, and i had to say enough was enough. I do not see her, and that has infuriated her even further. I don’t see a happy ending for us, and i understand where the poster is coming from.

    If I was so terrible, and treated her so badly since she was 10 (shes 17 now) while her mom wasn’t there for her, why did she not hate me until this last year (shes 17 now)? How was it horrible for me to drive her and her friends around, pay for clothes, haircuts, sports lessons, etc? Where was her mom when it was time to explain the facts of life, or teach about and buy make-up, and feminine supplies? Why did I go out of my way to get and cook the foods she liked, the books she liked, get her dad to do stuff with her, and take her to years of counseling week after week as well as every medical appointment from the time she was 10-15?

    In her case she needs someone to blame, and I am it. I understand. I agree that a 19yo (and a 17yo) knows right from wrong, and knows what she is doing in many regards even thougbh not fully matured and not yet fully an adult. When our parents were her age they were getting married…

    Good luck, and Good luck with your other children. I hope she isn;t able to influence them too.

  8. I can relate so well with what was written here. I too am a step-mother to a 17 year old daughter who is completely hateful to me. I have told her father about some of the petty things that she does and I sometimes wonder if he in fact “sees” what has been happening. Well, if he didn’t in the past there is no way he can say that today. Not after what she did today. The proof is out there in plain sight and can not be denied by her. I don’t ever remember treating my step-parents they way she does. I never would have. First, my own parents would have quickly corrected me if I had. Second, I never thought I could have gotten away with this with my own parents much less my step-parents. Third, if my parent was happy with the choice that they made with their mate, that was good enough for me. How sad it is that my husband feels guilty about his divorce from their BM eventhough she was the one who cheated on him and left him. But I guess most people feel some degree of guilt when their marriage disolves no matter who was at fault. But now step-daughter has made her bed and she has to lie in it. How sad. She is not only destroying any chance for us to have a relationship, but she is also destroying the relationship she has with her own father. Which is something I truley believe she treasured in the past. Now, I am not so sure about it.

  9. I myself in the same position, cannot judge anyone venting, I waited 7 yrs to marry my husband, and his daughter always lived with us, he had primary custody. in the beginning I was great to be with took her everywhere bought her clothes, whatever she needed, her mother never did anything, But when she became a teenager, we broke up for a year because of the all the fighting and jealousy. She hated the fact that we got back together but then we went to group therapy and thought things were back on track, she was ok with me, but as long as I didn’t marry him, but then we did, she wasn’t happy about the engagement but eventually came around, I included her in 100 % of all wedding plans, she had her own dress, I got her own jewelry, she got makeup, hair, shoes whatever she needed and thensome from both me and her father she milked us for whatever she wanted, but we gave to her because we wanted her to feel involved and not left out, her father ever went as far as spending alot of time alone with her doing stuff.. He is Mr. Mom, does everything with his daughter that a mother should do.. Then the wedding happened, she almost didn’t come, then she put on a mad face during the ceremony and ruined the pictures.. So I say to myself what happened? thought she was on board? Did she just act like interested just sabotage it at the end? Now on to the honeymoon, she is 17 yrs old and so my mother in law stayed to supervise, she was disrespectful to her, would go out and not tell anyone where she was going, would not clean up, and just acted out. The day we came back she destroyed our house, dishes in the sink, hair dye all over the counters, crap everywhere, when her father called her she was like oh well, you had a relaxin week too bad, clean it up, Im not. Since then we went back to therapist just me and my husband and we were told to ignore her bad behavior, both myself and my husband have not spoken to her, and won’t until she is ready to come to us to apologize, because she is destroying her relationship with her father, me I don’t care, because I know she never really gave a crap about me, so I am not concerned about what happens to our relationship, but her father he is hurt and is tired of being a punching bag, it’s like the more he gave the worst she got, it was never enough for her, obviously these are serious emotional issues she has with herself and her mother never being around, but we can’t allow it to ruin our marriage, it’s been only two weeks. Good luck to all stepmothers and stepfathers out there, it surely is not easy..

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