Dear stepdaughter

I found your note “Are you ready to be a stepmom? My dear…” in my book. I don’t exactly know your feeling or your point when you asked, but I take it as a chance for us to communicate.

For the idea about “I would be a stepmom,” I know it’s hurt and hard for you. It sounds crazy and laughable. But let’s concentrate on “how I’m going to be” instead of roughly a word “stepmom.” It’s not about “I am going to be a stepmom.” It’s about “I want to find a way to communicate clearly and build a healthy relationship with you, no
matter which kind of relationships it will be.

I’m just a normal, imperfect person. I always make mistakes, and my usual way to survive is to make mistakes and to learn from mistakes. That’s the way how I grow.

I’m ready, ready to face problems and challenges. God is creating our heart, soul, personality everyday in our lives through difficulties and tests. Life is to love, to pay and to serve. These are my goals to live. I enjoy every moment when I am trying to make an effort and God is building me up. That’s why I’m exist and why I’m here for you.

I don’t like the word “step-mom.” You can call me whatever you like, but I told you that I’m not going to replace your mom. Your mom is irreplaceable in anyone’s heart. I told you that and I thought you understood my meaning. I feel sad when I saw the note. I feel sad because I see your heart bleeding when you wrote the note.

I know that I’m not good. I’m aware of that. I don’t have any experience to be a “mom-like-person.” I just want to be a friend or a big sister with you and your brother. Love can be in thousands different formats! You know, girls always need to have someone who can just listen, understand how they feel, without challenging why they feel so. I would rather to be that someone. However, I’m still far from there.

I’m not sensitive enough to catch all of your feelings instantly. I’m not smart enough to know when I should talk or when I shouldn’t talk. I don’t know how can make you feel better or how would drive you crazy.

I’m not ready. That’s why I read books about steps. It’s because I’m just human and limited. How can I do  something when I have no idea? How can I understand what you think and meanings behind your words? I can get some practical suggestions to handle our current problem by reading books from someone who has been in similar situation.

Steps/Stepmom/Stepchildren are just situations, not roles to play or names for calling. If I say I’m ready to be a qualified “stepmom” after I read certain books about “stepmom,” it’s ridiculous. I could never learn how to swim if I just read books about “swimming.”

I want to get some methods to understand you and to communicate with you, to find some helps, and to know someone who can understand my feelings by reading their books.

I try to love, but not to persuade you into making me feel easier, not to be granted any honor, not to earn any appreciation. Of course I would feel easier if I can get some appreciations or identification from you, but that would be a bonus.

I’m always concerned about your feelings, but I don’t know how to express. I’m not afraid to be hurt but I’m afraid of hurting you or making you feel bothered somehow. I respect you and your own feelings. It’s your right to express but I can never force you to. Should I respect you or should I express my sincerity? I hesitate about that. I need your help. Please teach me.

I’m always there for you. It would be appreciated if you can let me know what and how to do. How can we deal with someone we don’t like? Jesus shows the only way is to reach out, communicate and love, but not to flee or close the door.

It’s possible that we can help each another to be healed. It would be better if we can find a communicating channel, and take every step slowly. Please give me some instructions to approach to you, because I’m foolish and just a stranger in your family.

I wish you could understand that you are always in my heart and I value your opinion on every matter in your family, especially on our marriage. I’m not going to get married to your dad, but to dad, you, your brother and even mom. You four are a whole package and never going to be divided.

You are not required to accept me or like me. I know dad makes you feel pressured, but it’s your schedule and no one can force. You get many challenges in front of you: your school work, your friends, your service, your life, your future. You just want your home as a safe place for you to be yourself and have a rest, not for war. I’m not
your battle. I just want to help to maintain a home for you to laugh and tear freely. I just concentrate on how I can help your relationship with dad to be better but not to be worse, without standing between you and dad.

Please take your time and relax.

Thanks for your attention!


~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on December 7, 2009.

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