Dear Stepdaughter

I used to think you were adorable and sweet, and you thought I was pretty and fun.  We did things that families do, wrestle in the living room and cuddle up all together watching a movie.  You said you would like it if I moved in with you and your dad, but soon after I did, you realized that he loves me.  I can confidently say that I never tried to step in between the two of you and your relationship because I thought it was beautiful, but when I saw behind the scenes, how you used your father and abused him and didn’t care about his feelings and drove him crazy with your clingy, whiny, demanding, bratty, spoiled behavior, I couldn’t stand by and just let the Love of my life be treated that way by his own daughter.  I started to step in, feeling like I had to save him from you because it became apparent that you actually made him quite miserable when the public eye wasn’t on you.  You began to become jealous of his love for me, probably because he smiled more when I was around because I treat him like I care about him and WANT to make him happy.  You started to pick at my feelings and tell me you didn’t want me to be involved with various activities so that you could have him all to yourself, only to make him miserable again.  You can be so spiteful to me with the sweetest expression, unwavering, on your face.  I honestly fear for all the ways you may come up with in the future to hurt me, when I try so hard to take care of you and do nice things for you.  You don’t like me because I’ve showed your father how life CAN be in the home, pleasant and happy and peaceful, and now he doesn’t let you cause chaos quite as much as before I came into his life.  I just wish you would listen when we tell you how if you treat people nicely and show some concern for their feelings, they will bend over backwards to do things for you, because we could be such a happy family if you would start treating your father and I better.  He and I are both very giving people and would do anything for you if you weren’t such a brat.  I really enjoyed you being around before, your father asked me fearfully if I saw his having a child as a bonus or a deterrent, and I said bonus, but you are so difficult to live with I sometimes wish you’d stay with your mom all the time and leave us alone because you so obviously hate that we have each other and try to keep us from being happy.

That being said, I have a soft spot in my heart for you still, maybe soft from being so bruised…but it is there for you and I love you.  And I’m not giving up on the idea of you loving me back because some day you will realize that I work really hard to bring us together as a family, and I’m never going to stop or give up.

Love,
Stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on November 9, 2009.

2 Responses to “Dear Stepdaughter”

  1. Why do some blending families start well then after the marriage issues crop up and both parties are in a quagmire?

  2. Dear Stepmom,

    It’s interesting you say this on here, as I have always known how you really feel about me. I noticed you put a lot of thought into what you wrote on here. I am too. I have the time and the money now..I also noticed between the lines of what you may have left out. You know, I’m just gonna be the devil’s advocate right now because somehow what you write doesn’t seem right. Let’s say like a couple of philosopher’s gazing at the same story being relected on the wall, but then having a totally different stories in the end. I noticed in your post you only speak of how you feel, or how you “perceive” my father feels. More appropriately, you don’t seem to be very aware of how I feel. What you say does get back to me. What you have written has too.
    Maya Angelou is right, it’s not what you have done with your life that people remember you…it’s how you made them feel” I may have misquote– forgive me, I want you to be aware too how I feel.
    Let’s face it. I am my father’s daughter, and will always be in his heart. You could potentially become the “ex-wife”. You actually say he smiles more when you are around, etc., and he’s miserable when I’m are around…Hmm. To me what you write sounds like you are competing with the daughter for attention. I also think the you have been brainwashing my father into believing that I’m the problem and that *YOU* can do no wrong.

    I have read what you write and judging by how assured you are that you have dad’s heart, you had gone through some challenging times. Heck I also think you realized you really got him for good when you had a child with him too right? I got the feeling something was up when you started taking extra vitamins, folic acid, etc, going away on a long trip. I was there when his hand shook, upset at the news, dropping the letter about you being pregnant. Having already been stretched thin financially, bailing out you and your kids.. you realized he only put you on a small percentage of the house title.
    I assume this is due to not being sure of where the marriage would head. He got burnt once, and didn’t want to again. I take it you weren’t very happy that you were insecure that you would be set for life. I know I checked on the title history, its all there, you didn’t work ever, and had very little title to my father’s estate. Oh, so that’s why you got preggers. 🙂 I love my little sibling so much too!! “Insurance kid” nice touch.
    I’m guessing you have been married for years and have a kid to seal the deal for life blogger, based on your feeling of security that your man is going to always be there. I think in the earlier years of marriage, the stepdaughter is the biggest threat to insecure stepmoms, who fear they can be left. I have noticed this in more than one family. There is the ex wife, but honestly it’s how you treat me that impacts the dynamic between us, not my mothers opinions. People say oh, the ex wife etc etc, Frankly, I control my feelings about whats going on when I’m with you, not her.

    The daughters will always be in dad’s heart. Fathers want peace, and often feel miserable seeing thier two girls they love the most miserable with each other or disliking each other, and therefore making dad miserable as you say.

    Oh, and there is the other premise I’d like to bring up. I look like my mother, and will always be a reminder of the first wife, and I have no control over that, so don’t take it out on me. I didn’t ask to be in the way of your Love of your life. Quite frankly, I can say the same of you, saying that I’m whiny, clingy, demanding spoiled behavior. You get quite the same when you don’t get things your way. Actually, that’s what you are doing by blasting me on here, rather than in person right? What courage.
    You were the adult when I first met you. Yet I noticed you have been putting a wedge between me and my father for years. When nobody is around and I am in the house with you…(something I am happy to avoid to just get along,) I notice you take jabs at me. I got smart and avoided you unless I have a witness present to your behavior. I don’t believe you care for me and just want a happy peaceful marriage with me somewhere in his life…after years of seeing your behavior. When I bring it to my dad’s attention he doesn’t want to believe it and is in denial, and wants to believe that you care about me and “love” me. I have even said that I do not believe that you care to him, he wants to believe so badly…I know he loves you, and I know he never wants to go through another painful ugly divorce and lose half his estate, lose a friend he planned on being with for life. IT was too painful the first time. Got it. But it’s funny how revealing a title extract is on the status of a “marriage”.
    But from where I stand,
    You say behind closed doors quite a bit. Let me tell them what you did behind closed doors.
    Whenever I need something, you protest that we can’t afford it as you would rather spoil yourself with my father’s money. I realize you didn’t have much before dad was in your life, but damn, you didn’t have to go overboard with spending so much on yourself. And of course you deserve to be spoiled! You’re the wife. I’m the daughter. Do you think maybe I deserve new clothes like you do (I hate looking like all I deserve is hand me downs)
    I remember seeing you do this feeling perfectly justified, as you always say to me: “I don’t owe you anything”. You have said these words exactly, but it’s a lot more, it’s with everything you say and do. I’ve also witnessed you giving your kids money for school, and making them lunches, getting them pictures every year. I’m told you don’t owe me. I don’t live with my mother due to her illness, and have to endure you constantly comparing me to her and complaining that I’m just like her. It’s so depressing I would hide from you. My dad used to support my activities, but now I have gotten a job as an 11-12 year old so I can have ballet lessons and to escape you. Honestly, the neighbor lady is more supportive and nurturing than you are. She paid for my ballet shoes, not you. You do realize I worked underage because of your greed. I wasn’t deserving of dad’s support after you came along.
    You love your kids just because they are, I constantly feel like I have to do somehting to be worthy.

    BUT, it’s perfectly ok for him to spend money on you and “yours” It’s your tone. I can tell you loathe me and can’t wait to have daddy, and cut me from his life and support..so you can have him and his bank account all to yourself.

    But of course my father owes you and yours (meaning your kids of another marriage) clothes and a bazillion toys at every birthday and holiday. And expensive trips to see your kids, but never me. But sorry, you say, there is nothing left for me. I think I remember you bought me strawberry shampoo for 69cents one christmas. That was such a statement, especailly seeing how much you bought your kids with my dad’s money. I don’t think you really bought me anything of value, but of course you would rub it in in front of me how good you have it with dad, or your “sugar-daddy” relationship. While I watched my father get used and abused by your demands that you only have to spoil you,and your own. After all my father has been so respectful and accepting of your kids. It was always like pulling teeth to just be treated fairly by you.
    I have watched you play on his fear of another divorce driving him up and down like a rollercoaster, until you get what you want like a passive aggressive bully. I can’t remember one time you took me shopping with you to get shoes to wear, but you always did that for your 2 kids with my fathers money. After all he owes your kids? I might mention my father never stooped to your level saying such cruel things as: I don’t owe your kids anything, but you do. Heck you even have your sister & her kids badger me at family events with the same attitude. I think I might tell you that the laws(since you are a law abiding citizen, right?) state that my father doesn’t owe your kids anything.
    You also say that I have become so jealous of the relationship…It looks to me that you have to have him all to yourself? Isn’t this a two way street? It sounds like *YOU* must have him all to yourself, and any little bit of attention I get–mind you I realize its all about making sure *YOU* are happy, and I honestly do not get to see him on holidays, as you always drag him to yours( Meaning your kids home/sisters/etc–as if my father owes his stepkids before his own eldest daughter)…I have endured years of neglect, excuses, and alienation, blame and emotional abuse to write a novel. I likely will. It will perhaps give me peace, as I cannot erase the years of neglect and abuse, or the lack of happy memories– your actions, or “wedge” has had on my life. For your kids, anything for them, for me, nothing but talk and myself being the one to make the effort, spend money to see father.

    You do say that your husband loves you, and he does, but as you grew closer to him, you also realized that I was always going to be a part of his life, no matter how much you complained about me that you were miserable, and therefore dad was miserable. See, I see through your ploy now that I am older and wiser. As much as you would like to paint the picture that you are so blameless in the dynamic, maybe you should reframe how you behave. No, of course not. There is no such thing as a perfect home, and the gist of what you wrote is that my relationship with dad is based on “Pleasing” daddy. I take it you have a sugar daddy relationship with him too, which is also likely why you feel so threatend by the daughter.
    By the way..I am my own person now, confident, capable, with my own nice home and family, and will always be in my fathers heart. My dad loved me, disciplined me and did his best. I did not end up miserable, and manipulative as you have written, but a citizen that others look up to and respect. Yes I was a child when all this happend, and I also didn’t have the same perspective as an adult with more experience. I wish I did, but I grew up fast and figured out that I couldn’t win with you other than to just leave. I’m so happy I stood up to you, and am healthier for it. I don’t have to please you to see my father. I treat you with respect and frankly avoid contact as you just never changed.

    Yes, you still try to control my communication with dad. So I call him at work!

    And on some level that is threatening to you whether you realize it or not. I observed you growing up I couldn’t do anything to please you, and you would constantly find fault or something to complain about to my father about me. There was always plenty of money to buy you whatever you needed, but funny when I needed something I had to go start my own cleaning business at the age of 11 or twelve. I think you’re smart enough to see that that is illegal. To the public you say we have such a loving, supportive home, but behind closed doors your true colors come out with your belittling comments, or on repeated occassions saying:”I don’t owe you anything”, I read what you said, and frankly this sounds very typical of people like you, who think the problem is never “them”. It couldn’t be!? Now, I do not know you personally, or maybe I do? My stepmother has plenty of time on her hands because my father pays for everything snd for the past 25 years she hasn’t had to work, except to take care of her own. I realize you needed a place to vent, I got it. I do too. Your first husband ran from you and wanted nothing to do with you or the kids you had together. That’s kind of a clue as to what you have caused in your family’s and my families life.
    I was the only girl and you had your own kids from your prior marriage to care for and brought to my fathers house. Thier father didn’t want to be involved or a part of thier life after the divorce. My father accepted yours as his own and in fact treats/ and treated them better than his own to make them feel accepted in his house. I might add, I also realize that my repeated attempts to talk to you openly were twisted to be that somehow I was jealous?? I also noticed your nepotism. At first my father protested, but you made him fear that there would be conflict, or giving him ultimatums eventually wore him down. I saw your power struggles early on in the marriage where it was your way or the highway. As you are a bit older and I am too.

    I’m a little older and “wiser” now, and realize that I wasn’t an adult in the family dynamic. I had no control over what happend between my father and mother, or my father’s choice to marry you. My step-bretheren that are yours I notice call my dad “dad” -(I know as they post it on facebook)- but I hesitate to call you *mom*, as it was clear after all these years that I was, and am too much of a threat to your psyche. Sorry, and just some advice since you want to keep your hubby/man happy, let him have some time with his daughter, and conversely, let me have some time with my father. I’m sure it would be impossible for “the daughter” to have more time with him than what you do. Oh, and later on when she has her own house and family, be supportive about letting him go visit her on holidays too. Don’t put a wedge between a daughter and her father. I would expect you to be upset too, if a new woman in *YOUR* dads’ life wanted him all to herself, never letting him go to visit the daughter’s house on *ANY* given holiday. OH, wait, that would be just too generous for an insecure woman like you.

    And, if this isn’t *YOU*, dear stepmother, I say this as the voice of the little girl you just smeared online. Someday when she has found her voice. I root for the underdog, I root for my friend; for those that are not able to defend themselves with thier voice.

    Have you ever asked yourself that you may show your real feelings about her, and she knows that? Do you admit your feelings to yourself and your spouse? DO you really care about her, or are you trying to convince yourself by writing this on here?

    If any of this story I have written sounds like your story, then

    God help you when she becomes an adult and you get to reap what you have sown. She will always be dad’s little girl. You won’t be able to keep her away no matter how many buttons you think you may have pushed, or how many wedges you create to get her to react and get angry and defensive.
    or go away.

    I really doubt you would show this to your husband right? Or would speak so openly for fear of perhaps being wrong. What you reap right now you will sow.

    I thank the day the “Golden Fleece” rescued me when it did,
    Yours truely,

    The Girrrrly “Phrixus”

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