Dear Husband’s Ex Wife

When I first met my husband, your ex-husband, we took things slow, getting to know each other before introducing the kids to a new relationship.   When we each met the others kids, and all the kids met each other, it was wonderful.  Everyone truly enjoyed each others company, the kids acted like they were blood brothers and sisters.  It solidified in our minds what we suspected, we had a great thing going.

Within a few months of our relationship turning serious, you got jealous.  Jealous of the fact that your now ex-husband had moved on, even though you are the one who had an affair.  He took you back, tried to work on things with you, but then you said you wanted out because you didn’t love him anymore.  He moved on while you wallowed in true bitterness.   You were so embittered we were afraid to tell the kids the date we were getting married because we were afraid you would try to sabotage it.  Imagine trying to plan a quiet wedding and worrying about a bitter ex-spouse ruining it.  One week before we married, your ex-husband introduced me to you.  You looked me up and down from head to toe, and then turned your back on me and talked to him as though I didn’t exist.

Things escalated … because of your bitterness.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt when you called to accuse my sons of being dangerous to “your” girls.  They were 7 and 11, they weren’t going to do anything bad to the girls.  And besides, they aren’t just “your” girls, they belong to their father just as much as they do to you.   Imagine how you would feel if someone accused your children of something that heinous.  And you never apologized.

Imagine how, as a mother, I felt the night you called while your ex-husband was helping me bring groceries in and my older son, 11 at the time, picked up the phone.   You went absolutely ballistic and screamed at the poor kid because he was home “alone” with “your” daughters.  Imagine how you would feel if I ever treated “your” daughters that way.  And you never apologized.

Your ex-husband and I have been married more than ten years now and while you have given us way more grief than anyone on this planet deserves, I do not regret for a minute marrying him.  When “your” daughters wanted to call me Mom, I gently explained that I’m not their mother, I’m not replacing you but I would love it if they would think of me as another adult who loves them and wants the best for them.  I’ve made treats for their classes, garters for homecomings and proms, gone to Brownie and Girl Scout meetings, taken them to their Religious Ed classes, took days of vacation to stay home with them when they were sick, gone to every concert and numerous sports events they were in over the years, taken them to the doctor/dentist, taken them shopping (a girls day out kind of thing), helped with homework, gone to teacher conferences and much more.  I’ve done nothing but treat them the same as I do my own children with no intention of trying to step on your toes.

Instead of being the least bit glad that I’m not some kind of Cinderella type step-mom, you became even more embittered.  It is glaringly obvious that you have planted seeds in the two girls minds, not just about me, but also about your ex-husband.  Neither of us deserve that, we’ve done everything we could to keep the girls best interests at heart.

But you have worked incredibly hard to destroy everything your ex-husband and I worked very hard for.   We fought you every other year in court because it was the right thing to do.   “Your” daughters deserved to be with their Father  50% of the time and obviously the courts agreed.  But you didn’t stop, you kept up your tirades and constant baloney.  I had truly hoped you learned something from the last go round, that you are not the best parent or you would have won full custody.   But, sadly, I was wrong.  You had no idea what the girls were doing on the internet until your ex-husband called you.  You call the girls in for school absences at the drop of a hat.  Did you see how many absences the older girl had last year? Did you read the truancy letter that was sent out? We got a copy, I’m sure you did too.  You didn’t know that one daughter was failing the one class she needed to pass to graduate until your ex-husband called you.  And most of that time one was living with you full-time because “its fun at Mom’s”.  The other girl moved in with you the following year for the same reason.   And one has a police record now and you still look the other way and ignore the issue.  You think you’re such a great parent but you have had multiple relationships over the years; so much so that maybe you should have a revolving door installed on the front of your house.  Maybe you need to do some exploration of your habits since both girls have STDs and one already has a child.  You’ve done a wonderful job of leading by example.

You’ve been a friend to the girls, not a parent.  That may work as the kids get into their adult years but not in the formative years.   You’ve done a bang up job lady.  You have not only filled their heads with a ton of bull to the point that they will not talk to me, worse yet they will not talk to their Dad.  Well, I take that back, they call when they want money.  Isn’t that nice of you? You’ve trained them to be mini-me’s!

I look back at all these years and say “wow”, your ex-husband and I make an awesome team.  We had to be able to survive all your baloney.  Sure, you’ve effectively alienated the girls from their father but at some point, they will realize who you truly are.  In the meantime, I feel no pity for you and I’m done being angry with you.  I will no longer waste a moment thinking about you and what your next embittered action will be.  This is the last I will ever say because I will not waste my time, breath or energy on your bitterness.    Because I don’t care.  Your ex-husband and I won.  We have a very solid, wonderful marriage.  He’s a good, genuine man who truly has worked hard for his family in every way possible.  He loves his family but will discipline and be firm when necessary, even if it makes him the bad guy.  He loves to joke but knows when to be serious.

In the end, we win, you lose.

Your ex-husband’s wife

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on October 21, 2009.

3 Responses to “Dear Husband’s Ex Wife”

  1. I am in the relatively early stages of my relationship (year 3) but see about 80% of our lives in your letter. We have several years to go before the children are grown and it is a constant balancing act to keep them emotionally healthy. I hope that my relationship, like yours, endures…because I am madly in love with this man.

  2. I’m entering year 2 in my marridge with my husband. I have two fears, 1. that the ex will destroy my marridge and 2. that my step daughter will turn out like yours. Sometimes I regret getting myself in this situation because I have shed so many tears but I dont want her to destroy me and destroy what my husband and I have worked on so far.

  3. My marriage is proof positive that an angry ex-wife or confused step-daughter can not destroy a marriage. My husband’s ex-wife is mentally ill and has been very creative in the mayhem she has caused in our lives. This mayhem includes lying to the police and having them knock on my door in the middle of the night etc. etc. etc. But every night I snuggle up next to the kindest most loyal, hardworking man, and I realize as long as we love and respect each other no outside force can divide us

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