To Everyone

The word “Mother” has many definitions:
“A female parent”
“Woman in authority”
“Maternal tenderness or affection”
These represent Mother as a noun

As an adjective,
“Acting as or providing parental stock”
Finally, as a transitive verb:
“To give birth to”
“To give rise to”
“To care for or protect like a mother”

Looking at these definitions
I can’t help but wonder
That I, as a stepmother, fulfill
All but one

I am a female parent
Just ask his father
I may not have given birth
But that doesn’t take away my authority

I show my stepson affection
When he’s scared or hurt
I raise him, while in our care
I protect him, when things go wrong

So why does it matter
If he calls me “Mom”?

If Mothers are true angels
Stepmothers are doubly
We could have said, “No
Raising someone else’s child
Is just too hard”

Instead we welcome
With open arms
Promise to love this child
As we love our own

So biweekly, sometimes more,
I raise this child
And give him a home
Only to be told
“You’re not his Mom”

I comfort him when he’s scared
I clean his cuts and scrapes
I take him to the park
Yet, I am not “Mom”?

Tell me this
If I am to earn the title
Of being his Mom
What more can I do
Than is already been done?

Ask him who I am
He will tell you
“She’s my Mom”
Yet his bio Mother
Says I am not

Others have voiced their agreement
To her close-minded definition
“If he’s not your son,
You are not his mother”

To those people,
I say, go back to the top
And read the definitions
I AM his Mother
I just did not give birth to him

To tell me I’m not
Is like telling an adoptive parent
He is not yours
You are not his

I leave you with this thought
In a world full of blended families
Open your minds and hearts
To a woman who chose to love
The joy that is a child

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on October 12, 2009.

7 Responses to “To Everyone”

  1. Obviously you don’t have your own “Bio” children. If you did, you would understand the bond a mother feels towards her child. Yes, you should be appreciated and yes the child can love and care about you but you need to not dumb down the fact that the child already has a main mother. If a parent had passed away or you did adopt then you would be the sole person in the child’s life there for it would be fine to want the title of mother. But, if there is already an active mother who loves and cares for the child then grow up and just understand that you will be a step-mom. If a mother has already lost her family and it is broken apart then at least let her hang on to the one thing of having a title of mother. People that are selfish feel the need to be mom instead of step-mom. Just be happy with being loved by the child and don’t feel the need to take over a title which is night rightfully yours — especially if the “Bio” mom is taking care of the kids 80% of the time which is usually how it is. Grow up!

  2. Anonymous,
    You tell the letter writer to grow up, yet it sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do yourself. What is wrong with a woman who takes just as much care of a child as the biological parents do wanting, wishing or hoping to be addressed with a term of endearment?
    It sounds like you’re not familiar with the emotions that accompany loving a child that didn’t come from your womb but whom you love like it did. Imagine how you would feel if you cared and loved a child and was then told by someone that you needed to grow up because your place is as “Stepmom” which essentially makes you sound like you’re a second class citizen.
    I don’t know you, but I wish you warmth and happiness in your life and I hope you’re able to overcome some obvious ignorance about the emotions that accompany being a stepparent.

  3. I also agree with Erin that anonymous needs some growing up and looking outside the box. As a soon to be mom to a biological child and stepmom, it is understandable why Biomom can feel the way she does but children aren’t stupid and know who gave birth to them. My stepson does not call me Mom, he has a few times, but has NEVER been told he had to. With Biomom running her mouth and it coming through stepson, dad and I sat him down and did that very dictionary thing. Made him read it so he can understand that I am a mom and a parent to him. Though custody is 50/50 my stepson actually depends on me for motherly support, comfort, and etc. I love my step son and would do anything for that kid yet Biomom has gone as far as saying to my stepson don’t ever come back, to I can’t do anything with and have lost hope with you. Just because someone gives birth doesn’t make them a “MOM” and if someone can say things like that to their son can they really be a mom…That is not love, affection, protection, or anything that a true mother would do or say. Unfortunately many stepmom are treated like 2nd class citizens when they shouldn’t be. The even sadder part of the whole thing is that stepson realises how and what biomom is and at this point is just biding his time before he can talk to a judge. So people really do need to look outside the box and realise that not every situation and step family is the same. We all have our stories, stiuations and history backing our feelings.

  4. I was the first person my Son (SS) called Dad. When his Mom and I started dating when he was asked “Where is Daddy?” he would point at a picture of he, his Mom and the SpermDonor on the wall. After a few months of me being around and his “Dad” not being around he quit pointing at the picture and started looking at me. When he started talking I was “Daddy” and have been his Dad ever since. The other guy helped create him, I give him a life. I taught him to use a toilet while the other guy let his butt rot in dirty and wet diapers until his anus bled and his butt cheeks broke out in puss filled welts, I taught him to read an write while the other guy told him school was not important and that school should be skipped to visit with SpermDad, I was the one who taught him to ride his bike, coached his teams, schlepped him and his girlfriends and friends to and from dances, I am the one who works to pay for band instruments, trips to Europe, Asia and Hawaii, and top notch school districts and boarding school, I am the one that commited to love his Mom and be his Dad. I absolutely agree that anonymous has maturity issues and is likely not much of a mother since she is intimidated by someone who voluntarily steps (no pun intended) up to fill her obviously low performance as a mother. If a child chooses to call a StepParent “Mom” or “Dad” the issue is not on the StepParent. It is on the obviously lacking BioParent.

    My Son (SS) is only 280 days away from aging out from under the visitation component of the Family Court Judgement. He is already asking to take “family” trips with “his” family that he has not been able to take because of the visitation schedule a Judge (idiot in a black robe) has forced on him since he was 2yo.

    His life is about to start for real because his “Dad” and “GrandMa” can no longer whine and cry to court to force him to do what they want rather than what is best for him.

    Yep, I am his Dad. And he is my Son. And no whining genetic contributor can change that fact.

    Just my humble opinion of course.

  5. Beautiful post.

    The child(ren) gets to decide who they consider to be their Mom or Dad, not the egg donor or sperm donor. Donating eggs or sperm is the easy part.

    Actually raising the child, being responsible fpor the child’s well being, and parenting is the real work, and doing the job is what makes you the “real” parent.

  6. Ummm, she said biweekly. She’s caring for this child every other weekend, and his actual mother has him the other 26 days a month, how do you get “egg donor” from that?

    The reason you can’t be this boy’s mother is because he already has a mother who cares for him. He is not your child. His mother is an active part of his life. There is no shame in being a stepmother. The boy can love you without you replacing his mom. I’m proud of being my stepdaughter’s stepmom. Our relationship isn’t devalued because I’m a step; she doesn’t love me less because she loves her mother too. You don’t need to force your way into another woman’s role. You wanna be someone’s mom so bad? Have your own kid.

  7. I like this post and can definitely relate to how you feel about mothering your stepson. My husband and I have my stepdaughter 50% of the time in our home. When she is with us, I mother her like she’s my own child and have been doing it since she was one year old. I do everything her bio-mom does. I don’t understand why a bio-mom would have a problem with the step-mom loving and taking care of her child. Would you rather your child be mistreated and neglected? I have two children of my own, and I have never been intimidated by the relationship their father’s partners established with my children. In fact, it always made me feel a whole lot better knowing that my children would be loved and taken care of when they went with their father’s partner. A real mother loves at all times even if that means she diminishes her own ego so that her child can have the best circumstance. Remember the story about King Solomon and how he decided which woman should be ther mother? Children are people. Not possessions. Just because you are the bio-parent, that gives you no right to allow your own anxieties, fears, insecurities, jealousy, etc. prevent your child from being loved. In actually, in all of our lives, we have all had or will have women who have mothered us at times even though they are not our natural mother. I would much rather want a stepmom for my kids who love my kids and want to be called mom then to have a stepmom who hated, resented, and neglected my children. Are we really looking at this from the perspective of the child?

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