Dear Bio-Dad

When I mention the idea of having a baby sometime down the line, you never talk about how smart, or funny, or sweet or beautiful it would be.  You never say how loved it would be.  You only – always – remind me how long and exhausting the nights spent taking care of a baby are.

Do you think I’m unaware of this fact?  The way you describe it, you’d think no one had ever survived having a child.

Do you have any idea what goes through my mind when I think about having a baby someday?  How it would impact not only you and me, but also the kids?  Would they think I was sick of them and wanted someone new?  That I would “love the baby more” because it was “really mine”?  How strange and perhaps burdensome the age differences between them and the baby would be?

And yet, I sometimes daydream about not having to feel nauseous every time I walk into an elementary school. Not needing to tell a child in my home that she can’t call me “mom” when she tries to.  Not constantly having to defend the idea or remind others that, yes,I am a “real” parent.  These are things that you may not feel or have to worry about, butI do.

Those are important and real things.  And I’m not saying that I do or will want a biological child.  But I wish that instead of turning the idea of having a baby into a one liner about the lack of sleep they cause, you would sometimes think about the myriad of thoughts and emotions that are wrapped up in the discussion. I know you are sensitive enough and love me enough to do that.

Practical Stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on October 2, 2009.

6 Responses to “Dear Bio-Dad”

  1. DH and I were in the same boat, not that he didn’t want children, he just would think about how hard it was with ex wife (kids on top of a loveless, sexless, fight-all-day marriage- NO WONDER!) even though he did want to have kids with me one day too.

    we got pregnant a couple months ago (surprise!!) and he is overjoyed! I was afraid he wouldn’t be (at first we were BOTH just SHOCKED) because of all the problems he went through (and we go through) with the ex and “her” children.

    but he is SOOOO very excited because WE LOVE EACH OTHER and WE ARE MARRIED and now are pregnant. we did not get pregnant to have a baby to try and hold things together.

    it will be ok. once he sees that first ultrasound, he will be over the moon.

    if he is still worried about sleepless nights, just remind him that is what grandparents and nannies are for!

    • I had this very conversation with my husband last night!!!!! And the very same reaction you have to his reaction. I went to have an ultrasound yesterday. I’m not pregnant but women in my family have a genetic condition that affects the shape of the uterus that leads to giving birth early. So, I wanted to make sure everything was okay if we got pregnant. (It was). Being there looking at the screen was a very special experience even if there was nothing growing in there. I was kind of feeling pretty joyful. He does have the OMG, this is so exhausting thing going. And it’s a legitimate feeling. They exhaust me too. It’s just what it is. But it’ll be fine. I know. It’ll be fine for you and for KMB. I know it will. 🙂

  2. Dear Practical Stepmom, I could write your letter. I’m so torn up inside, wanting to talk to my dear husband about these things, and yet, like you, we can’t get past how much babies cry.
    Many hugs to you.

  3. Your husband does love you and if he has any sensitivity at all, I encourage you to find a way and time that feels right to really “talk” to him about your thoughts and feelings. Do it at a time that he can’t quickly brush it off as how much work babies are. Of course they are work but that’s not the point, is it? More HUGS to you ladies with this burden on your heart!

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