Dear Stepdaughter

I love you so much it scares me. The first time we ever met, you were four and you had a grimy cast on your arm from falling off the monkey bars. Even though your dad and I weren’t even dating then, I knew, deep down, that I was going to be your stepmom. The thought scared me a little but excited me more. I feel so lucky that you like me, I think you even love me, and accept me as your stepmom. I hope you always feel this way.

Now you are six and you are growing up so fast! Sometimes I wish time would freeze and you would always be small, because I treasure this time with you. I love it when we’re in the car and you talk to me about things that are important to you. I know you don’t really talk to your dad about stuff that’s hard on you, and I’m so glad you trust me and want to share. I hope you will always talk to me about things that matter to you.

I love to read our special stories at night—it thrills me that you liked The Secret Garden as much as I did when I was your age! I was so proud of you winning first place in the character drawing contest, but even more proud that you chose as your favorite storybook character Mary from the book we read together.

It makes me feel like a million bucks that you missed me when I was out of town. To use your phrase, it’s like I took a little walk in heaven! Last night when I got home after you had gone to bed, I had promised I would come in and say goodnight. You were already asleep but you woke up enough to give a snuggle hug, and I couldn’t have been happier. I missed you too, I always do on the days we don’t see you. Sometimes it’s really hard not to see you every day!

I cherish your small hand in mine, and when you climb in my lap. When we are doing fun things together I try to memorize everything so that I can hold on to the memories when you are grown…just the other day you and your brother were skipping down the sidewalk together and something about it just warmed my heart. I hope I never forget how small and cute and wonderful you are! Sometimes you just crack me up, like when we talked about you picking a special nickname for me and first you suggested Samantha (random much?) and then you decided on Pinky…that conversation was hilarious. It also makes me laugh that you seem to have a strange and incessant desire to see me naked—it’s a little odd but funny that I have to lock the door anytime I want to change clothes! You can be so silly sometimes, and I love to hear your giggle. I adore the way you laugh, it makes me laugh in return every time.

I know things will probably not always be as easy as they are now, and maybe our relationship won’t always be so positive. I have a feeling your teenage years are going to be rough on all of us. But I hold onto the hope that you and I are laying an early foundation of love, trust, and respect that will last. I cherish you more than I ever thought possible. I hope you always know that.

All my love,
Your stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on September 28, 2009.

8 Responses to “Dear Stepdaughter”

  1. Amazingly beautiful letter. You are laying a wonderful, lasting foundation that will last the years 🙂

  2. What a letter! It brought tears to my eyes. Lucky, lucky her for having someone like you in her life.

  3. OMG what an amazingly beautiful letter that I could have written to the light of my life…my own stepdaughter!!!!THANK YOU!

  4. What an amazing relationship you have with your daughter… I have the same relationship with mine and you know what? Mine was 6 when I came into her life, and she is now 10 and we are still loving every moment together. Now, we have ups and downs and sometimes my SD does “silly” things like forgets to put things away but I always remember that she is becoming hormonal and her brain cells are decreasing daily because of that LOL

    You and I have many similarities… I have a SD and a SS and it sounded like you do too. My SS is now 6 but was 2 1/2 when I met him. And now my DH and I have a 2 year old daughter with special needs and our 10 year old daughter is so amazing with her!!!! God always knows the plan well before we do 🙂 Best of luck and I Know you will have a lasting relationship as long as there is a mutual respect and that you are helping to build family rules as well as family fun! Good luck and I know you will have the best time!!!!

  5. Dana,

    Thank you so very much for your hope :O) my stepdaughter is 18 months (she left soon after the baby was born) so I will be able to establish the bond…as my FMIL said “The Baby will be fine with the way things are…it is the grown ups that’ll have the problem” I am so blessed that we already have that bond…and that his family, friends and even my DH is supportive…I cannot wait until she gets older!

    • Jana,

      I am SO happy that you get to have a bond like we do!! Its the most amazing thing in the world 🙂 It doesn’t matter if the BM is involved or not… the bond can still occur.
      Its never the children that are the problem and always the BM! The BM in our lives is a piece of work– I could go on for hours, but you know what? The kids always know the truth in the end. They know where they feel safe, loved, and the best about themselves. They know that they don’t have to be afraid and that they don’t have to help “raise” their younger siblings (in our case our SD has been help raise her brother since DH and BM divorced… I was appauled when I found out that SD was giving SS his medication when she was 6!!!). This BM loves to drink, sleep, and is having a second childhood at the cost of her children. SD even said to me a couple of weeks ago “My mom is the teenager in our house right now… whats going to happen when I am a teenager?” LOL She is too cute. But she is right, and thats sad. She has always been wise beyond her years… I love her humour which matches mine too lol

      I always tell my SD that I am lucky that daddy, her brother and her found me. I needed them so much!! ANd now with the addition of my DD who has taught me even more life is just amazing… BM could NEVER take that away. After all, BM also stands for bowel movement!! 🙂 I am a nurse 😛


  6. Thank you for your words, everyone, I very much appreciate them. Dana, you and I are indeed a lot alike: my stepson is 4 and was 2.5 when I met him. I haven’t found the words to write his letter yet but I’m working on it. I hope that like you I will continue to have a wonderful relationship with my stepdaughter. And I couldn’t agree more that God knows His plan long before we do.

  7. Dana,

    My Wire Monkey (look up Attachment Theory and the Monkey Experiment back in the day) is addicted to games designed for 15 year olds, it makes me shudder…I have heard of her slapping or hitting when she is distrubed on the computer. I am training to become a Therapist and understand addiction. She also gave him psychiatric meds starting around six (perhaps sooner no one knows) and I have pointed out to the social worker why the meds are actually making him WORSE. Because of this they put him with a child psychiatrist 7 YEARS AFTER THE FACT!
    I am appalled how much she tries to snow my DH pretending she knows so much about the psychological world…all in an effort for control. We discuss her abuse towards him..this is all she knows….and it is sad.

    I pray for those kids
    I pray for him
    Last of all I pray for her….that she may see life beyond her precious games….and know that it is not always perfect….but you find strength as a woman and a person…that is the way its always been

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