Dear Bio-mom

I hate you.

I like you.

I never want to see you again.

Let’s be friends.

I envy you.

I feel sorry for you.

I feel like we are in a constant tug of war with my emotions regarding you and this “situation.” It seems like you are too. Sometimes you are nice, sometimes you are mean, most of the time you are just plain rude. Maybe you are really bipolar as your parents once suggested to my ILs. Either way I am over it. It is exhausting. I just need to get this off my chest.

I am so sick of picking up your slack and coming off like the mean one. If you weren’t such a lazy parent my rules wouldn’t seem so strict. Sorry Stepdaughter but you have to take a bath every night. Sorry Stepdaughter toenails are cut more then once every few months. Sorry Stepdaughter we brush our teeth every morning and every night. And only water to drink after you do it. Sorry Stepdaughter you don’t get to watch TV all day and all night long. Sorry Stepdaughter but you don’t get to not brush your hair or wear clean clothes.  These rules shouldn’t sound harsh to a 5 year old this should be the norm and it’s just not fair to us that because we use common sense we are the mean ones. You pretend like you have the same rules yet it’s obvious you don’t. (2 crowns, 2 root canals, 4 cavities on a 5 year old??  You said it was hard to watch her go through getting that fixed; I hope you realized that while she was going through that you were 100% responsible for putting her through it)

I would like to remind you once again that you do not have full custody because you are the better parent. You have full custody because you are the mother and we live out of state. Had the sexes been reversed in this situation you would have lost in a heartbeat. And you know that. So stop acting so righteous. And there is the possibility of us moving there if things don’t get better. Court is over for now, but I am watching your every move so I suggest you try and get over whatever grudge you have against me and my husband and start showing some support to our involvement in her life. That means keeping us involved with her life, sending pictures and progress reports (not only when you get served papers) and giving updates, not only contacting us when you want something.

I know you were spoiled and given everything growing up and in a way I blame your parents for your total lack of competence. But you are almost 26 now and its time to grow up and stand on your own two feet. Why don’t you start by getting a real job? There is no excuse that you only work 24 hours a week with a child in fulltime daycare. Finish school become a teacher like you originally planned you might feel better about yourself.  I can’t imagine contributing as little as you do to your family. I would hope you would wish to set a better example for our daughter yes I said our and that’s how I think of her.  Hell, I even think of you as family. We are going to be intertwined in each others lives for a long time coming. Wouldn’t it be best for everyone if we could all be honest and open?

I don’t understand why you hate my involvement so much?? Do I threaten you? You have said multiple times you know I take great care of her so what is the problem?  I have let you into my life openly and wholeheartedly you read my family blog daily.  I allow you to get to know me. And I speak openly about how I feel about our daughter and the whole situation. Yet I feel like you have made little effort with me. People tell me I am too nice to you.

I shouldn’t go out of my way to meet you earlier to make your life easier.

I shouldn’t bother staying up late the last night of her visits doing her laundry to make your life easier.

I shouldn’t bother spending HOURS on the phone with doctors, dentists, and the insurance companies to make your life easier.

I shouldn’t bother sending you Mother’s day cards or Birthday cards

I shouldn’t send you photo texts on the days we have her because I know you must miss her

You don’t do it for us? Unless that is you are served with court papers and all the sudden you send a few pictures and a progress report like that’s going to make up for all the damage you do on a daily basis pretending her father isn’t her father.

I even had a friend tell you that I am probably better to you then some of your friends are. And come to think of it that just might be true. And maybe I shouldn’t go out of my way for you as much as I do. But you know what I don’t do it for you. I do it for her. I want to be an example of a good parent and a good person to my children. She might not see it now, but she will one day. And she will one day see how you treat me. When that day comes I hope you are ashamed of yourself. There is really no good reason for you to treat me the way you do. You were never married to my husband, you hardly knew him when you got pregnant, so it’s not even like you had years of history. I have been nothing but nice to you. And I have 100 people that would line up a vouch that I love your daughter like she was my own. I don’t think you know how lucky you have it with me.

I tell my stepdaughter all the time she is so lucky to have 4 people who love and would do anything for her. I don’t want to try and replace you as mother. I don’t pretend to. We expect to be treated with the same respect. Please stop referring to my husband by his first name to her, he is dad. You say you will try and do better, but it doesn’t change that you didn’t do it in the first place. Aren’t you happy he wants to be involved and he pays support on time every month? Why do you continue to try and make it hard on him? You said yourself you both wanted out of the relationship so why do you act like you need to make him pay for something? It isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair to the child. The day is coming sooner then you realize that she will see what you are doing and how you treat us, and she is a smart kid and she won’t like you for it. I never say a word against you, and I don’t have to because your actions speak for themselves…

I know I sound angry, but really I am just so concerned and honestly hurt. I don’t know what else I can do to reach out and try and form a relationship with you for the child’s benefit and no matter how hard I try you are only nice when you want something. I would love to be friends….But for now it’s off my chest I will put back on my smile and go back to being me, because one her mothers needs to set an example of a kind person for her.

Love and hate,

Your Daughters’ other mom

PS. If by some twist of fate you find this and you want to talk about it. I would love a reply. When I say open communication, I actually mean it.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on September 10, 2009.

3 Responses to “Dear Bio-mom”

  1. Sounds like this bio-mom has some growing up to do. and you are a great stepmom, hang in there

  2. Being a step-mom is so hard. To voluntarily sign up for this is worth having our heads examined.

  3. Dear stepmom,
    the best you can do is educating the biofather such that he fully takes care of the kid when she is in you home.
    Stepmother do not understand that the days the father has the kid in his home is for him to take care of his child, and not for the stepmother.
    If you understand this, than the conflicts with the biomom will stop.
    If you think you are a so perfect mother, just make a kid. And if one day another woman can take care of you kid instead of you, you will understand this message.

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