Dear Bio-Mom

 I really despise you.  Really.  I am an adult and so is the father of your children.  We understand your actions in adult terms.  Your 7 year old autistic son and 10 year old daughter with Asperger’s do not.  And they love you.  We bite our tongues to the point of bleeding to ensure that they maintain that love even while being so confused as to why they are not permitted to utter my name in your presence or say anything that is positive about their Daddy without you replying with disparaging comments.  My stepdaughter does not understand why you lie to her about events just to make Daddy look bad.  My stepson is too young right now to know anything beyond the fact that he loves his mom and dad. Too bad it won’t stay that way.  The funny thing about children is they grow up, observe, and learn.  They understand when they are being lied to and used as tools to hurt the other parent in their lives. 

I never asked to have you in my life and yet you are persistently there.  I live in your old house where your children remember you being with their daddy.  They need those memories.  Especially your daughter whom you left behind as you took your son under false pretenses leaving her to say to her dad, “Are we a broken home now Daddy?”.  She has just begun now, 3 years later, to wonder why you took her little brother and left her behind.  We know it was because she is Daddy’s Little Girl and that you couldn’t handle that. 

When you tried to take your daughter away from her comfort zone my hubby put his foot down and told you “No”….probably for the first time.  Weren’t used to that were you?  I stood behind him and offered him all my support (emotional and financial….even though some thought I was crazy) while you lied your way into legal aid and argued every detail and point, trying to drain us of all of our financial resources.  You almost succeeded.  We almost gave up a few times because we just couldn’t take it anymore.  I almost went crazy when you tried to drag my son……my innocent son…..into your battle by accusing him of sexual impropriety towards your daughter.  You brushed it off as nothing while it took every ounce of strength I had to control the gut-wrenching physical reaction I had to hurt you.  I still want you to hurt….but you are doing a very effective job of doing it to yourself only you are too caught up in your own selfishness to even see what you are doing. 

In the end you did not win….and you likely never will.  The court saw through your charade and even though you have day to day custody of your son…..he still knows who is daddy is (and no, it is not your partner…no matter how much you try to make him the kids’ father…..they don’t like him….and as long as he is the strong arm disciplinarian they will never like him), you will not be able to move away with him (will it be a hard decision for you when your new hubby gets posted elsewhere and you are not permitted to take your child with you?), and you better never stand by again while your partner threatens to kill the kids’ father in front of them as he did that day two years ago.

Yes, you can still get away with only working a few hours a day on the pretense of “being there” for the children…..even though they are in school 6 hours a day….but we all know it is so you don’t have to pay child support as we do (such a fair system to fathers).  And yes, we will be paying for this $40,000 divorce for many years to come, all the while raising your daughter and supporting your son even though you contribute nothing and have no legal bills to pay.  But we still won.  And we still have a lawyer.  You can threaten us all you want but we know you would have to pay this time…and that is not something you will ever likely do.  You are a deadbeat mother.  You may fight us every time we look after the health needs of the kids, but we look after them while you don’t.  I will never understand why you blocked our way to having your son’s dental needs met.  He had 16 cavities at age 5.  His mouth hurt.  He was sick all the time.  Even the dentists were disgusted.  In the end, we won that one too.  But even today you are arguing with us because we took your son to the dentist for his 6 month check when you did not see to getting it done.  Are you afraid to see that your son’s father looks after his needs while you ignore them…..makes you look bad, doesn’t it?  And it makes you soooo angry to look at yourself as not being a capable mother.  To earn the title of a capable mother you have to actually care for your children…not tell them you are “too sick” to take them to an event and then pawn them off on your partner because your “sickness” is a hangover.  Your daughter is becoming disappointed that you never pick her up from school on your weekends but send your partner for her instead…even when she calls you the night before and begs YOU to come and get her. 

Your work colleagues have been overheard calling you names that are none too flattering.  Did you know that?  Perhaps it is time to grow up and realize that chumming with 19 year olds at the club is unbecoming of a woman your age…and they are calling you out on it.  Your daughter is also getting to an age where she is realizing that your little fast food job isn’t considered “cool” anymore.  And she is very upset that you will be volunteering at her school next year so that you can “keep an eye on her” in case she has any problems or questions.  She wants to make it on her own without a helicopter mom hovering around…especially when you abandoned her before.  You are embarrassing her.  She knows you don’t give her accurate information anyway.  You scared the crap out of her by showing her a video of a woman giving birth when she was 9 (NINE!!) and now you are telling her that kissing a boy will make her pregnant.  She has already kissed two boys and was worried sick that she would get pregnant!!!  So we have had to clean up the emotional mess that you left behind and have explained to her, in an age appropriate manner (!) about the “birds and the bees”. 

I could go on forever.  All the things you have done from the outrageous to the passive-aggressive.  I am just so tired of you.  I love my hubby dearly and understand he has a past as I do.  I am his partner and am not going anywhere……that makes me a large part of your children’s lives.  It would be so much easier if you would see that and stop trying to sabotage everything.  It would make them happier.  But this is not about them, is it? It is about you.  It’s always been about you.

Remember……children see.  They learn.  They begin to understand more fully.  Even through my haze of hatred for you….I feel sorry for you.  Your children will not remain children forever.  They will grow up……and then they will know for themselves.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on September 5, 2009.

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