To My Step Husband

I love you dearly and you are the best thing that has come along in my life. 

Now the next part may be confusing after that heart felt introduction…if things don’t change I am going to have to leave you.  This is not meant to be a threat…but for my future happiness and survival I see no other options…unless things change quickly. 

After a LONG (25 years) abusive relationship with my first husband I never planned on getting married again.  I really enjoyed the time of discovery after we separated that I really was not the “bad person” he said I was. 

I know God brought us together to help in the healing of our wounds but what I did not know was how much influence your adult daughter has on you and your inability to set boundaries with her.  She has abused her school financial loans and time and time again you and your parents have bailed her out with no consequences. 

You told her not to get a pet because she was in college…however, she got a pet.  She had to live in a dump because that was the only place that allowed animals.  You felt guilty because you did not go find her a nicer place to live…that had nothing to do with you being a failure to take care of your daughter…it was because she went against your wishes and go the pet. 

When she brought her pet home with her and it tore up your house nothing was said…I should have had a clue at that point…huge red flag.  It bothers me that she refuses to get a job to help replace the money she mismanaged. 

She is working a job that is approximately ½-1 day per week.  When you talk to her about getting a job she tells you her hours are getting ready to increase…however, it has not happened yet. 

We have caught her telling fibs and we both have a problem with her being so judgmental of others.  You asked her not to park in the front yard several times but she did so anyway.  The last time you told her she had her friend park in the front yard…then told you her brother told him to do it…so what, she was in the car and she knew we did not want her to do it. 

There is a clear message in her defiance…it will continue until you “get it” and do something about it.  I know you realize it, I know we are going to counseling and for that I am grateful…but, when will words become actions?  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life “bailing” your daughter out of circumstances that she created for herself…she is old enough to choose so she should have consequences for her actions. 

I only want the best for your children.  I am not trying to “selfishly” have you for my own.  I was delighted to marry a man with children (although they both are grown and in college).  You daughter is beautiful, she speaks intelligently and makes great first impressions but beyond that she uses us.  She is 22…It is time for her to get a job and to spread her wings. 

You have to quit blaming her immaturity on her bad relationship with her mom.  Your daughter deserves a chance in life and the only way it will happen is if she steps out on her own.  Otherwise, you are going to be making excuses for her, protecting her and supporting her for the rest of your life while she sits at home on the couch watching TV. 

I will not work hard like I do to contribute to her demise.  It is time your daughter puts some money where her mouth is…back up all the “stuff” she tells everyone and gets a job (and a life).  She wants to live with us after college and work for temporary agencies and the local fitness club…is that what you put all that money into her education for?  Living with us will certainly be the ruin of our marriage because she is not the “queen” to me if so, I made a terrible mistake. 

When I married you I was committing to marry you…I knew you had grown children but this was more than I bargained for.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on May 8, 2009.

One Response to “To My Step Husband”

  1. I could have written so much of this.

    It’s exhausting living with a man who refuses to see his ‘babies’ as adults and continues to treat them as his children. Of course, the grown adult children continue to behave as children … “Daddy, I need my car fixed … Daddy, I need money for school … Daddy, I need this … Daddy, I need that.” I think the last time I asked my parents for anything was when I was 18 years old.

    Please Dad. You’re doing your adult children no good by continuing to treat them as your ‘babies.’ You and your kids need to grow up.

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