Dear Husband

I’m thinking about leaving you.

This probably comes as a shock because I seem somewhat content when we talk on the phone. When we see each other, I don’t often give the hint that I’m as angry as I am. If I’ve tried talking to you about it, your response is that I’m ruining our time together or that it’s the way you are.

It’s not an easy decision and it’s something I’m still debating, but I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this life with (actually without) you.

You call yourself stoic and strong but now that you’ve got me firmly in place in this life of ours, you run away when life gets the least bit difficult. You know I’m not that kind of person and that I’ll stick it out through thick and thin all in the name of being a good person to others.

You’ve left me here to pick up your pieces. To be the person you think you should be but in truth can’t be. On some level, you try to mean well, but actions speak louder than words and your actions tell me you’ll always put yourself before everyone and everything else.

I’ve built so much of myself around being a stepmom. I love it and I’m proud of it. Right now, it’s nearly the only thing that keeps me holding on to this marriage. You may have run away from your ex, your kids and I, but I don’t know if I can. You have them to thank for my still being here.

But I also don’t know if I can continue to be married to someone who is so consumed with his own needs, wants and desires that he fails to consider anyone else. I don’t want to be that woman 20 years from now — the one who sacrificed her whole life’s happiness just to not rock the boat.

I think the saddest part is that I have to write an anonymous letter — that I know you won’t see — to make myself feel better. You’ve not been the friend or support person I’ve needed you to be. My friends would tell me to leave you. They’d say this whole situation is toxic.

I hope we can figure this out. At one point I was willing to move heaven and earth for you. Now I just want you to notice me.

Your LonelyWife

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on May 5, 2009.

3 Responses to “Dear Husband”

  1. LonelyWife
    I sure hope that you find a way to talk with your husband, and fast. I hear the pain that is in your letter and it is oh so familiar. I am still married, but it took a lot of work to get through the situation that you described above.

    Your friends may be right, but don’t go without talking to him UNTIL he at least gets it. You don’t want to be that woman 20 years from now that wishes she could go back and do it again.
    good luck.

  2. I agree with the comment above. One red flag about your letter is the fact that your husband thinks you’re content, when in fact, you’re anything BUT! He should be intensely aware of your unhappy feelings and issues — so that he has the opportunity to act upon them and fix them. Sometimes it takes a big, ol’ shock for men to finally come to their senses, especially once they see what they stand to lose.

    I do sympathize with the fact that you already feel like you’ve been living a whole series of disappointments and you likely expect (and perhaps rightly so!) your husband to have noticed your disappointment, anger and sadness. Having him be clueless about it all makes it even worse!

    Nevertheless, I strongly encourage you to seek help, so that you can get clear about your grievances. Then, talk to him about it and let him know exactly what’s at stake. I’ve seen friends come almost to the brink of divorce this way, but then turn their lives around and stay together as new people….

    Best of luck to you. Your letter is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you….

  3. I went through the motions for a long time. Like the writer comment above, I URGE you to immediately SEEK some help (counseling). A 3rd party, a listening ear, a trained professional to guide us through processing our thoughts, hurts, desires, is always a good thing. You must let your husband know your sadness, loneliness, disappointment. It’s the only way he even has a CHANCE to start making steps toward improving things. You don’t want to be down the road, divorced and have to look back and think you didn’t do everything you could do to make your marriage work. I highly suggest counseling. Good luck and I am so sorry for the isolation you feel right now. Things will get better… one way or another!

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