Dear Ex-Wife

I never meant to hurt you; in fact, when I started having a friendship with your husband I had no idea that we would end up falling in love, I had no idea that he would become my best friend, it just happened, even though I tried very hard to ignore all the signs, even though I told him to go away, it happened and I feel guilty about it, for you, the children, myself; for everyone but i don’t hate myself and I resent that fact that you hate me so much.  I’ve walked miles in your shoes, my ex-husband cheated on me BUT I did not use that as the excuse for our divorce because our divorce and his affair were two VERY separate things, his affair did not cause our divorce and our affair did not cause your divorce.  Your then husband was gone long before I ever entered the picture and so were you for that matter, the only time the two of you were intimate was to have a child and even then you had to convince him that you’d changed from a materialist, non-parenting, non-caring person to someone who would partner with him to help him with the children, love and car for him and understand when you couldn’t have the sun, moon and Gucci stars; so you kept up your act long enough to convince him to get your pregnant all the while knowing that when you got what you wanted you would be the same person you had been for over 10 years.
 
So, you get pregnant and instant change the all day Saturday shopping sprees started, the new car started, the leaving him to do everything continued and yet you take no responsibility for your divorce.  It takes two to make a child, marriage and a divorce.  When the two of you finally talked about the baby and the divorce you told him you wanted another child because you wanted someone to love you and that preschool boy loves you doesn’t he; he should, he should love you as much as he loves his father, he should respect you but you don’t want respect, you want the show of him NEEDING you, so you create situations that make him upset so he cries for YOU, you create needless drama so that he wants YOU, how fucking sick in the head are you?  You seem to believe that children should have everything their hearts desire but if they have everything they appreciate nothing but you don’t see that and you really don’t care because as long as the ‘like’ you best you’re happy.  What you also don’t understand is that children crave structure, stability, knowing what’s going to happen, what’s expected of them, instead you don’t have rules at your home, you allow your daughters to ride moped like scooters on the MAIN road to your neighborhood without helmets and you claim that you can’t be there every second to make sure they’re wearing their helmets or aren’t on the street.  Now I can fully understand not being able to fully control them riding in the street, you can control them wearing helmets, walk outside when they’re leaving, tell them to put the helmet on or get off the scooter, if they don’t listen, give them a consequence…but wait there are NO consequences in your world, right because your parents always bail you out, your ex used to bail you out so why would you have a clue about consequences for your actions?!
 
Its not secret that we don’t like each other and we don’t but we do need to partner along with my husband in regards to the three children but you don’t seem to get that either; you think that parenting when we’re a softball tournament is the only time its necessary and my guess is because there’s many many people around who would question what type of mother you were if you didn’t; here’s tid bit for you if you parent 100% of the time, they will listen 100% of the time, it’s called consistency; you see when they’re at our home, they know the rules, the follow the rules and if they don’t they also know there will be a consequence, not always fun and I’m definitely not their friend but they can TRUST that I mean what I say and I say what I mean and they know our expectations.  you on the other hand think that allowing them to drop their trash throughout the house is acceptable, you think that leaving dirty dishes, clothes and whatever else throughout the house while they’re there is acceptable, what are you teaching them?  Living in filth is ok, that another person will accept that and want to live like that….gross!  i’m not perfect but damn it I have a 16 year old son that is respectful 90% of the time, he does ok in school, he’s drug and alcohol free, hangs out with decent kids and avoids the drama, he speaks respectfully to all adults…can you say the same for your 11 yr old daughter?  no you can’t, she told my best friend that her engagement ring was small, the two years that I’ve known her she has had to have the class teacher intervien on her friendships because she talks badly about people, she cares more about the labels on her clothing than she does peoples feelings and she lies…JUST.LIKE.YOU.  You talk about me when the kids are in your home and they over hear it, you talk about our nanny to them and they know you don’t respect her so when they’re in your home they don’t respect her.  Do you really want to go through the hassell of trying to find a THIRD nanny?  I do not, the first one had no balls and you liked her just like that cause your daughters would bully her but this one, she doesn’t take your shit or theirs and you hate it, you hate that because we sign her check she communicates with us; I would venture to guess that if you communicated with her HONESTLY she would communicate with you too but you don’t know honesty. You could say I don’t either but I’ve never lied to you, not once, your ex husband did.
 
As I started this letter I thought I wanted to apologize for hurting you because I truly never meant for anything like that to happen and feel true guilt but as i thought about it, maybe I was brought into your life to teach you how to parent, teach you that the children of today are tomorrow’s adults and we as parents are responsible for making them respectufl, honest, productive, loving and caring adults.  No kid or parent is perfect but I had hoped that instead of defying all the rules you might take the time to set an example.

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on April 19, 2009.

One Response to “Dear Ex-Wife”

  1. I can really relate to what you wrote and the crap you deal with along side this mother that is so self centered and insecure that she cant’ take her eyes off herself long enough to do what is best for her children. I deal with the same thing with the mother CREATING Drama to ensure she gets what she needs (which is her son proving to her that she needs him and he’s there for her). It’s all insecurity and a twisted sick way of getting her own needs met at the expense of her children’s mental and emotional health. I understand you feel guilty about the affair. It is in your past though and you need to move forward being the best wife and step mother that you can. Like you said, your affair did not cause their divorce. It was wrong but there was plenty of wrong and that wrong continued for years to get them to where they were. I am so frustrated with my situation, I want to scream. It’s been 3 years of hell as it relates to the blended family. How long can this drag on?

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