Dear Husband’s Ex Wife

I am sorry that you are upset. You must be under a lot of stress right now to write such nasty emails. While I appreciate you taking the time to write me an email describing your concerns over my actions, this nit-picking is entirely uncalled for.

Thank you for making us aware that my Husband’s Child was in the Emergency Room. We were very concerned. I am sorry that you felt that I was monopolizing my 4-year-old Stepdaughter’s time during her confinement. If you felt that this was inappropriate (and, I want you to know that Wayne was fine with it) I wish you would have said something to me. I was preoccupied with comforting a sick child who we had not seen in a month. If it was that big of a deal to you, surely you could have switched with your ex-husband- I am sure he would have happily relayed any information the doctor’s gave.

About the form for child support garnishment – first of all I have never modified your DIVORCE PAPERS it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me too do that. What my husband and I decided to do was clarify a child support form that you had filled out incorrectly. You filled the form out as saying that the original divorce case name is “(The name we both go by) + my husband’s Last Name vs. My Husband’s Name”. If you would look over your divorce decree, you would see that the case name is “(The Name we both go by) + Your Maiden Name vs. My Husband’s Name”.

As you cannot “white-out” carbon copy forms, we were forced to scratch out what you originally wrote because it was so incorrect it would cause problems and delays. We also added (and I say “we” because my husband was right there and the only reason I wrote it was because my handwriting is neater) “NKA [your most recent married name]” because that IS your new legal name. As the state will be making the child support check out to you now (since you obviously can’t be trusted with us giving you money directly) we did this for your benefit. It was important to clarify the document, especially since we unfortunately go by the same name (your first name, my middle name)

Adding a “Now Known As” name is a common legal practice when clarification on names are needed. My Husband and I have both worked for lawyers and are aware of such practices, additionally, OUR lawyer doesn’t see any harm in clarifying the name issue. I ASSURE you that you should not fear that this would as you said in your email “jeopardize the legality of your divorce papers”. This has NOTHING to do with your divorce. Your divorce from my husband has been finalized for fucking ever, a form not up to your standards will not make everything null and void. It makes you look ignorant to state otherwise. The Form in question is ONLY about child support. Worst case scenario, that form would need to be filled out again. Obviously, you haven’t submitted the form yet, otherwise you would know this.

I understand you feel that I clarified your name on that document because (as you said in one of your 100’s of nasty/snide/bitchy/controlling/uncalled for text messages to my husband) I “can’t stand [you] still having that name”

 Hate to break it to you, “(the name we both go by) + Husbands Last Name” is not my name. Legally, my name is ” My first name (that you don’t go by) +Maiden Last Name + Husband’s last name”, I just GO by the same given name. I did this SPECIFICALLY to avoid being confused with you in ANY official capacity. The name you originally filled out is not your name anyway, so why would I be jealous of you “still having that name”?

Explain to me what “major decisions” I think that I can make regarding the kids and your divorce? Your child support amount has not changed. I put my foot down about you demanding almost $300 more a month in child support, in addition to school fees AND health insurance AND so on. (we are required to keep medical insurance on the kids, but because neither I nor my husband are eligible for a group health plan, technically we are allowed to subtract the premium from the child support – so we give you extra anyway!)

I did not appreciate you being stupid enough to believe that an online “child support calculator” was a legally binding contract, nor do I appreciate you being greedy enough to tell my Husband that is what he had to pay, just because you KNOW that he would do ANYTHING for those children and is so used to walking on eggshells around you for fear that you will fly off the handle and hurt those children.

We could not afford to ultimately contribute almost $1500 per month to what is essentially tax free income to your household when we barely make ends meet in ours. Our lawyer said that the law is on Husband’s side on this one.

Besides, how is it that I cause drama over money and kids decisions when it was YOU who made the decision to claim BOTH of my Husband’s ONLY children on YOUR TAXES without informing us ahead of time? It would not have been a big deal for you to claim both children for the 2008 tax year IF YOU HAD NOT BEEN SELFISH ENOUGH TO ALLOW THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN TO PROPERLY ADJUST HIS W-4’s. Feel Guilty? You should. He has ALWAYS gotten to claim ONE of his children on his taxes. It was not your place to unilaterally change this arrangement without his input.

As you pointed out in your email Husband and I are married now, and I KNOW I have legal rights, regardless of what you say, and that includes having a say in all major decisions that affect my household. I do not try to force him to make decisions regarding the children beyond the basic parenting stuff that goes on during our visitation time (I.e. this is what you are wearing to Church and Lollipops do not count as breakfast and baths are not optional or throw a tantrum, get time-out) and I resent your constant implications that he “doesn’t take care of his own issues”.

It pisses me off to no end that you deem yourself the “End-All-Be-All Keeper-of-the-Holy-Functioning-Uterus-of-Entrapment” and feel that you have the right to tell me what makes my Husband happy. You are such a Hypocrite. OBVIOUSLY you COMPLETELY failed as a wife to him, now you just want to point out what you feel is wrong with OUR marriage because you are jealous that you don’t have what we have.

You may be married, but you have NO CLUE how to love or be loved. You just know how to use and manipulate people. I feel sorry for you.

 I am sick of the drama. YOUR DRAMA. I am sick of your casual lies; I am sick of your “innocent suggestions” and “heartfelt concerns”; I am sick of you thinking that you can talk like are your crazy ass is still married to MY HUSBAND. I am sick of you thinking that you have ANY RIGHT WHATSOEVER to give advice to me. You’re lucky MY HUSBAND doesn’t feel the need to give YOUR HUSBAND honest advice about his marriage to YOU- because I know it would start with “RUN, don’t walk, GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN”. MY HUSBAND can see the signs already. It’s obvious that you haven’t learned from your mistakes. YOUR HUSBAND is doomed. That poor man acts like a kicked puppy when you’re around.

You were SO mad when MY HUSBAND proposed to me. You fucking LOST it when you saw the ring he gave me. Poor BOYFRIEND OF 3 WEEKS WHO IS NOW YOUR HUSBAND had to go out and buy you a ring too, it just had to be bigger than mine (it’s SO fake by the way – it doesn’t even sparkle right.) You even moved your wedding date up FOUR MONTHS for no particular reason just to get married before we did! Honestly, who gives themselves a WEEK to throw together a wedding? How tacky is it you always INSIST on getting married right before Christmas when weddings aren’t supposed to be solemnized during Advent? It’s just creepy that you got married so close to your previous anniversary. And you even made the kids go home early from our wedding out of spite, they were crying because they didn’t want to leave!

Not every one in this world is going to bow to your soul-less, ugly, ignorant, slack-jawed, beady-eyed, fat-assed, mouth-breathing bullshit, just because they are afraid of you. I don’t give a shit that you’re bipolar, I don’t feel sorry for you because of it and I know that I don’t owe you anything because you popped out a couple of kids. I am not beneath you and you do not have the right to tell  me or my husband how you feel about me or our marriage. Nobody likes you. Get used to it.


~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on February 12, 2009.

29 Responses to “Dear Husband’s Ex Wife”

  1. Sometimes I get a giggle over how much power they think we have! As if it were that easy!

  2. Oh the memories this brings back of dealing with my husband’s ex.

  3. OMG thank you so much for writing this! It is so nice to know I’m not alone out here. I would love to talk to you because you are going through the same thing I am and it would be really nice to talk to someone who knows my pain.

  4. Thanks for your reply. I would love to talk to someone who deals with some one like this too. I am sick of all this drama.

  5. Ah. You said it all so perfectly. Bet it felt good!

  6. You have given over too much control/power to this woman-As long as you engage in anger towards her then you will continue to empower her and diminish yourself-you are then part of this drama-this is your husbands battle and not yours.-he needs to stop this triangulations and take full responsibility to deal with her alone and keep you out of the middle-this will be most effective where she is concerned and will show respect for you.It is not your place too put her in hers despite being married to her ex.
    You can then focus on what matters most in your life.I would not respond to her at all -insist your husband do that and you remain stolid with head held high! If you are sick of the drama then stay clear of it-otherwise you need to ask yourself what you are really getting out of it-whats the secondary gain….if the answer is nothing then stop communicating with her and hand it over-then watch what happens-it will tell you all you need to know…

  7. I don’t respond to her psycho emails. I vent later. my poor husband does everything he can – sometimes her actions still affect our lives, and especially, his children. I vent and take Xanax. I don’t want to be around her, period. but sometimes i have to, for the sake of my stepchildren.

    This post is one of those letters you never send- it was me responding to yet another psycho email she sent. I don’t respond to her in real life

  8. It is difficult when you enter a relationship such as this but you need to find a way to diminish your feelings about her and disallow yourself from reacting to this degree whether you see her or not,respond or not..what other ways could you see yourself handling this other than venting or taking Xanax? How ever difficult it may be you need to look at other options to cope because this is not working for you and you are wasting your energy and focus…your husband once chose her and produced two children with her -for the sake of the children remain the role models that you are and realize there is nothing you can do to control or change her behavior..diminishing the mother never works no matter how psycho she may be-in fact this could back fire…the children will chose the more positive influence and children are resilient..if this is affecting them then your husband should consider getting them a good therapist so they can have a voice with a specialist who is objective and understands-this will ensure they become healthy individuals and the therapist can give the parents vital feedback-it works and not enough families chose this option..its something worth considering for their sakes

  9. this appears to be becoming more common among families. stories are the same. peace and compassion, are hard to find within myself currently. and it’s been three years. i hate that i hate. she’s like a monkey on my mind. can the collective’s perspective change?

  10. hate seems to be the all too common theme.What is hate? Hate is the emotional reaction to and the symptom of underlying fear.To make peace within yourself then the things that you fear need to be identified and then worked on. It is a process but when you embark on this path you will definitely have light bulb moments and compassion will return .

  11. hate seems to be the all too common theme.What is hate? Hate is the emotional reaction to and the symptom of underlying fear.To make peace within yourself then the things that you fear need to be identified and then worked on. It is a process but when you embark on this path you will definitely have light bulb moments and compassion will return .

  12. It is your husbands responsibility to deal with his Ex wife. It is important that he does. He does not owe her anything. In your family he is the dad and you are the mom. You and your husband are not his ex wifes and husbands family. I understand it is sickening all these women out there now a days that think when they have a child with someone somehow they are suppose to be significant and “special” to them forever. Not true he is significant to his kids thats it!. Your husband needs to man up and deal with her. The only communication that needs to be is pick up drop off times and things that have to do with the kids only!. You are two seperate families and it is best for the kids to be a united front forever so they get used to the idea and know what to expect. I am not saying you are there mother you are the mother role and this needs to be accepted by you. This is your husbands to deal with and if he can’t or thinks this is acceptable and choses not to then it is time to leave this realtionship. You are his wife and as long as you are loving and accepting of his kids you and your family come first and he must defend this.

  13. I was married to a wonderful man who had an ex that did anything and everything to make life miserable for EVERYONE when “her” child came to visit. She was especially pissed when I, as a paralegal, helped my husband (at the time) win joint custody. Needless to say, the allegations and harassment became so great that he and I had to sit down and establish what was in the best interest of all the chidren involved (i have 2). When she called the police last summer after we “exchanged” the child for the summer (two week rotation) visitation and told them we kidnapped the child, we decided that was the last straw. He and I are wonderful friends and still have so much love for eachother…I guess we will have to wait until kids are grown to try this again. Additionally, although SIGNIFICANT information has been provided to the courts several times, nothing has been done as consequence to her. I’m sorry to all of you ladies (the other woman) for all you go through. Just remember, if you have a “hater” at least you know you are important enough that you are able to take up space in their mind and life FOR FREE! For all you poor dads out that that have to deal with some insane bitch that holds you hostage mentally by using your children, give it time…I was raised this way, and trust me, it came back to bite the parent that was doing all the “alienation” in the ass. Lastly, to all you women out there who USE, yes, i said USE, your children to get back at your ex husband because you can’t get on with your own life, you are pitiful. You are sorry excuses for living breathing beings…actually, if it wasn’t for the love that your children have for you, you would have no purpose on this earth other than taking up air that could be used for some one that is worthy. Just realize, Karma is a BITCH! so watch out.

    • I am married to a fantastic guy whose ex wife is a nasty bitch to both of us… yes she is bipolar .. he has two kids … we met when they had been divorced 5 years, she cheated on him for years in their marriage till he had enough. She is the nastiest human being i have ever known, she tried to stop the marriage till the day off, tell lies, tried to split us up, constantly call and email in a harassing way, is desparate to get him back. Its not what a marriage should be filled with. Im glad to hear Im not alone, but how do i deal with her at pick up times ? I am best when she is not in our lives but with her mood swings it can come hard and fast. Its unbelieveable the nasty extent of this woman. She deserves to be committed and realise her actions. Bipolar people complain at how normal people never understand them and never make allowances, Shows how nuts they are when they clearly dont realise what we put up with, all their abuse, harrassement and pure nastiness for nothing we have done wrong, its just that they take their illness out on us. So how do i handle her to keep my life as happy as its always been ?

  14. Thank You for the letter. It helps to be able to reach out and find other people that are going through the same thing. Even when you are very close to your husband there is only so much of this you can share with them. They feel responsible for bringing this crazy women into your life. And sometimes xanax is needed to hold your tounge. To all of you saying to be the bigger person and don’t give her your power, you can’t possibly have been in this position. An exwife with an agenda takes an enourmous toll on the mental and physical health of a person. My inlaws just invited my husbands exwife on our family vacation. The women was in the room across the hall from us, glaring me down every chance she got.When I expressed, my discomfort to my mother inlaw she informed me my husband and I could suck it up or do our own thing. This was his family and a trip we all has been planning for a year. My husband was only married to this women for 7 years, 15 years ago. We have been married for 13 years. Even her 2 daughters 17 and 21 did not want her there. I am home now still trying to work this all out so I can move on. I too hope Karma is a bitch.

  15. Wow! I would feel blessed to have a stepmother who cared enough to actually show up at the hospital. The last time my 4 year old was in the hospital and I called her father to let him know how sick she was, I got THIS email from stepmom the next day:

    “”Although I do want to hear about all hospital visits, please keep to the order and only call during emergency’s, if its something that does not require my immediate response, do not call. instead email or text, further more I would like a copy of the medical records of little’s visit to the hospital
    Thank you

    P.S. A medical emergency is an injury or illness that is acute and poses an immediate risk to a person’s life or long term health. “”

    Kudos to you for caring enough to go visit that baby! Mom should be happy that you love her child enough to be concerned. 🙂

  16. I see you delete comments from ‘ex wifes’ and leave the comments people leave about how good you are, and about the new wifes. just so all know

  17. Wow.. I had to see if I actually wrote some of this myself! I feel your pain, as today I’m googling for advice and solace to deal with my husband’s crazy, controlling, narcissistic ex wife… I can’t take it.

  18. NICE! Want to help me write a letter?! Like Sue, I also found this in a Google search. Let’s all do lunch!

  19. WOW, exactly how I feel. I hate it, hate it so much that the “mother” finds ways to manifipulate or justify her actions.

  20. I love your post. Now I know I’m not alone. I thought I was the only one ranting about a husband’s ex wife on a blog. Thank you so much for making me realize i am not the only one dealing with Satan’s sister.

  21. Whenever I get angry over some stupid stunt my husband’s ex pulls, or says something catty about me or us, or writes something on the cusp of sickness to us, I envision the scene in THE WIZARD OF OZ where the wicked witch of the West threatens Glenda, the good witch of the North. Glenda laughs in her face and tells her to be off, before someone drops a house on her…..

    It is hard to keep your perspective when you can’t get away from such toxic women. But the scene’s image has helped me minimize someone who really doesn’t deserve any thought. I hope this helps.

  22. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs and together 12. He has an adult daughter now 27, I have 2 children from a prior relationship he has raised both. We have had little to no relationship w his Ex wife over the last 10 yrs, then last xmas his daughter came to town. I really had an issue w sharing time w the exwife for the holidays, and made my feelings known. Ex lives in another State, stepdaughter lives on west coast, we very rarely get to see her. Exwife also has no family in our State. It has caused strife between myself and my stepdaughter, my husband still does Not understand y I felt it was uncomfortable to bring his exwife to our home during this time. SD came over left EW at hotel for a few hrs. I dont have anything against the ex, I just dont feel like My family and I should have to interact w her. My ex is nonexistent in our lives, so my husband does not deal w him on any level. I think if we interacted over the yrs then it would be the norm, but after all these yrs to have to deal w the ex doesnt sit well w me.
    Now my stepdaughter doesnt speak to me and my husband thinks I should have just folded and allowed his ex to come over???? So Im the bad guy!!

  23. God, I love this… so much!!!!

    So many things I wish I could say, sadly my online cyber life is stalked and documented. Which is funny. She dropped out of Cosmetology school three months in and claims to have a degree in Marketing. So, her superb ability to google my name and find me on social networking sites gives her this “Almighty” ego. It’s pathetic.

  24. Holy connoii. Your hubby’s ex sounds like MY hubby’s ex! She even tells my stepson not to listen to me (which contradicts what my hubby told the boy – listen to your stepmom as if it came from me), and tries to tell me what is acceptable in her home is mandatorily acceptable in mine.

    I need a restraining order.

  25. I too deal with alot of the same issues. But mine has a little twist to it because my husband still raises and supports his ex’s 2 children that are not his. As odd as it sounds, my husband is the only father they have known, the oldest childs father his ex claims was killed in a car wreck ( no documentation to prove this) the next child’s father was never “allowed” to be a part of her life until she turned 5 and also at the time my husbands ex was trying to get her last name changed to my husbands, but it didn’t happen. I have been married to my husband for 3 years now and she makes it a living hell and uses the kids to do it. There should be cruelty charges that can be filed for the EX’s who use their kids to try and control everything in a life that is no longer theirs.

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