To My Stepdaughter’s Bio Mother

I’m hoping that when I’m done writing this letter I will be able to let go of all the anger I have built up inside for you.

I have to let go of my anger so that my family and I can go on living.

I hate you. I have never said those words to any other living being. That word is not allowed in our home because I don’t feel it is ever appropriate to say but in this case I will make an exception because it’s true. I hate you, I hate the things you have done, the ways you have used your child, the ways you have lied to everyone around you, your total lack of morals, respect and caring.

My mind does not comprehend how any person could abuse their child and think it’s ok. I do not understand how any person could decide to ignore and neglect and use any other human being the way you have done to your daughter. Even though I have seen it first-hand I still don’t believe it. I know that you don’t like me, that you believe I will never be anything or mean anything to your daughter but you’re wrong. I love her, and she loves me. Even through your irrational tirades she still loves me.

When I first became part of your daughter’s life, I tried to understand where you were coming from. I tried to put myself in your shoes. Here you were having to watch as another woman helped raise your child, another woman who you had no say in choosing. I tried to be understanding of your position. I wanted to let you know that my intentions were pure, that I fell in love not just with my husband but with your daughter as well. I tried to let you know that even though she and I love each other that I was never going to replace you, that I did not even want to.

You will always be her mother and no one and nothing can change that. For whatever reason you have made the choice to alienate your child from her father. I do not understand any mother ever wanting to disrupt their child’s life in such a manner. Honestly, I can’t believe that my husband had the strength to deal with your lies, with your abuse for as long as he did. Do you have any idea what your actions, what your lies did to him, are still doing to him?

I don’t know why you choose to behave the way you do, it’s not something that my mind can fathom. When you look at your daughter do you see the pain you have caused her? Do you see how incredibly wrong your actions have been? When you look in the mirror what do you see?

I’ll tell you what I see when I look at you. I see a very sad woman, who is manipulative, a liar, an abuser, an addict. I see someone who has been lying for so long she believes her own lies. I see someone who has no morals, or values, someone who does not care for anyone but herself, someone who will push, kick and claw her way to what she wants and doesn’t care about the people she hurts along the way even when that person is her own child, her own flesh and blood.

Someday I hope your eyes are opened, your heart is opened and you see what you have done. Someday I hope you feel remorse for your actions, someday I hope you will change for her sake. Because no matter how much you protest, she is the only one you’re really hurting and you are destroying her.

What should be the happiest time in her life has been nothing but a war zone. She was never allowed to be a child. You refused to let her be one, instead you wanted her to be your friend, your ally. So instead of being her parent, instead of focusing your energies on her you choose to wage war on her father.

Well you got your wish, her daddy stopped fighting you. You never learned that you were not her only parent, yes, as you like to say so often, you gave birth to her, but what you continued to fail to realize is that without him you never could have given birth to her. Without his sperm your daughter would never have existed. So yeah, you gave birth to her alright but that’s only an act of nature, it does not give you sole rights to control every aspect of her upbringing. It does not give you license to do what you want with her, it does not make it ok to abuse her, to neglect her.

Well now you’ve gotten your wish. Now you truly are her only parent and you are the only one making the decisions. You got what you wanted and I hope you can live with yourself. One day when your daughter is grown, she will be smart enough to find the truth, she will know exactly what you have done to her and she will see you for exactly what you are. I only hope that she comes through this with enough of herself left to live her life, to be her own person.
Your Daughter’s Stepmom

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 21, 2009.

2 Responses to “To My Stepdaughter’s Bio Mother”

  1. This was painful to read, as I know all too well what it is like to watch a parent destroy her children for her own gain, and to be left wondering how a parent can do that, can watch what she is doing to her children, and keep doing it. I hope the BM in your situation opens her eyes and finds room in her heart to stop hurting the kids.

  2. THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU!!!! I, as a step-mom, have felt so alone in this. And, it’s a breath of fresh air to read this. I know how hard it was for you, but it truly means a lot to me (to know that I’m NOT alone). I truly Love my Step-daughter, but finding myself resenting her for her mother’s actions. I know that is so wrong. But, I’m only human. I have no outlet for my anger. No one cares. I used to buy her clothes all the time and spoil her. And, now that her mother has taken us to court numerous times and bad mouthed me and my husband, I just don’t care. I buy the essentials for her and that’s it. I still do fun things with her because, like I said, I still love her. But, now that things have become ugly, I resent her (for even being here). Yes, I said that. But her Mother has taken so much happiness away from us and we’ve sacrificed and gone without so we pay the outrageous amount in Child Support. 900/mth for one child is insane. And as her mother put it to my husband “You owe Child Support. I don’t owe you any time with your child.” Just disgusting, spiteful, heinous comments all the time. Thank-you!!!

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