Dear Birth Mother,

I feel sad for you. If I believed love worked the way you do my life would be small and miserable indeed. Your ex-husband, daughter and I all believe love is limitless. We believe that each person possesses an infinite capacity for loving others. You choose to believe that people only have so much love to give. Consequently you feel the more people you love the less love you have for someone else. You’ve tried to convince your daughter that if she chooses to find room in her heart for me it will mean she has less room for you. Your daughter, however, has chosen to subscribe to her father’s and my beliefs. She still loves you just as much as ever, she just loves me now too. It’s so sad you can’t see that and it’s hurting her.

I know you are intimidated by me. Your daughter and I have bonded over many things, she trusts me and confides in me. I engage her in activities of her choosing and encourage her to develop her own interests. I am secure enough to let her be her own person. I know you feel her choosing to do something you don’t like is a rejection of you somehow. You need to be more secure in your self and your relationship with your child. She just wants you to love her for who she is. I know you fear that she’ll love me more. She is never going to love me more, you are always going to be her mother. You, deserved or not, will always hold the title you desperately cling to of “The Mother” in her eyes. The best I get to hope for is Stepmom, or if we’re being cute Bonus Mom

I also feel sad for you because your world is so small. Your neediness has limited you in so many ways. You’re dating a man that is all around icky. I can’t believe I’m saying this but even you can do better. You are living with your parents working a job you hate, earning thousands less then you’re capable of with the education you have. You’ve restricted your world so completely to this gross man and your small immediate family that you have no female friends your age. As a result you’ve forced your very young daughter into the role of your best friend and confidant. It is not healthy for either of you. Your kindergartner shouldn’t feel your happiness is solely her responsibility. Your emotional dependency upon her is causing her anxiety attacks. When she’s with us she’s worried about how lonely you are, how you feel sad when she gives me hugs and kisses or why you don’t have money for XYZ… This is NOT okay. You
need to seek out some professional help to learn how to handle your emotions and not burden your child with them. This burden is giving her anxiety issues that even you have noticed the manifestations of.

I know how desperately important it is to you for your daughter to love your boyfriend like she loves me. I know that you view her not loving him as a rejection of you as her mother. Just like you view anything else she has a different opinion about then you. I know with your warped view of love it’s important she loves him more then me and even more then her own father. The problem is he’s a creep and she knows it. He pays little attention to her if any and when he does it’s because you’ve forced some activity between the two of them that neither enjoys. Even if he wasn’t awful forcing her to hug him, talk to him, play with him and call him pet names would not make her like him let alone love him. That’s something they would both have to work at at their own pace. It took a long time for your daughter and I to develop the relationship we have. You can’t just force it over night. Your daughter is stubborn, forcing her to do something is more likely to make her not want to do it.

Please understand that I don’t want to replace you, I just want you to do better for your daughter’s sake. She’s a bright, loving, well-mannered little girl. Your ex-husband and I do the best we can for her. We want you to try and do the same because right now you’re tearing her apart.

Stepmother

~ by Jacquelyn Fletcher on January 21, 2009.

One Response to “Dear Birth Mother,”

  1. I know this well, it is heartbreaking for the kids they have the right to be happy and have home in two homes not one! strength of unconditional love and wisdom to draw lines will see the truth without!

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