Dear Stepson

I hope one day you know completely, that with love in my heart I boast you are my child.  I didn’t give you life, but I am trying to give you all the tools you need to live your life.
We have had, many ups and downs.  Walked a tightrope.  I have over-stepped my bounds, under-stepped them too.  Finding a balance as a stepmom, is not easy to do.  But all I do, I do because I do love you as my own.
Sometimes I can’t understand where you are coming from.  Because you are not being like your dad or like me, you are pulling up traits from a person I don’t know well – your mom.  It is okay, but it is hard and frustrating to live with a person I don’t completely understand.
I wonder often where we will be in ten years?  What will you think of me?  What will you once grown think of the “job” I did as your full-time stepmom?  Will you see I did my best?  Will you find flaws in all the decisions I made?  Will you know how much I loved you?  Will you ever feel I favored your brother, my bio-son?  Will you grow up to be the person I know you can be?  Have I given you all the tools you need?
The  questions in my mind are endless some days.  I know the answer I feel for most of them, but I wonder how you see it all.
Through it all, I am glad I have you.  I am glad you are my son.  I am glad you are the brother to my child.
I see you changing so much right now.  I have seen you grow out of the selfish, me, me, me attitude you once carried into a loving young man.  I have seen you step closer in your walk with God.  By your choosing, and I am amazed at how you see Him and His role in your life.  I can’t get over the fact that at 9 years old, I am watching you take the tools I have handed you so far and learn to use them.  Loving what is- huge concept for even adults but you seem to be grasping it, using it, and healing from it.
I don’t ever want you to think I want you to love me over your mom.  I don’t.  I do want you to love me, respect me, and desire a relationship with me forever.  Since you were 2 I have raised you full-time.  I wonder how that makes you feel about her, about your situation?  I wonder if it hurts sometimes, if you ever feel robbed by me being there and not her each morning to wake you.  Or if you can see the stability your dad and I can provide that she can’t?
Well, I am sure I will have moments down the road I want to ring your neck still 🙂  I am sure you will want to ring mine as well.  But if I did not love you, I would not be here with you.

Take care my dear son,

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 19, 2009.

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