Dear Biological Mom of my Wonderful Step daughter

I know that our relationship is an odd one and that you have a lot of anger/resentment for the past. I just want to let you know that I am not here to overstep you as a mother in any way. I am here to support my husband and your daughter during our visitation time. In the same note, I think respect among all of us is a necessity. You have said and done a lot of things over the past 2-3 years that have really been downers for the entire situation. I do not think my husband or I deserve to be treated this way and a child does not need to witness hate between her family. I know that you will never be friends with me or my husband, but mutual respect for the process of raising a child is a necessity in this situation. My husband and I are not out to get you, we want what is best for your child, as well as all people involved. Communication is so important, but the only time you want to have a respectful, adult conversation is when it benefits YOU. We all need to work together and be flexible and think of the child FIRST! Communication and respect are all that I am asking. Thank you and cheers to the rest of our lives raising a child in a happy, friendly environment!!

~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 19, 2009.

2 Responses to “Dear Biological Mom of my Wonderful Step daughter”

  1. Honestly, you can keep hoping. But from all the biomoms I’ve known, what she wants more than anything is to not deal with you at all. You are a painful reminder that she has to share her child with someone she didn’t choose. She is required to communicate with your husband, and he’s the only one she probably even wants to communicate with. What’s more, your step-daughter is probably young. But what can happen as she gets older and her biomom continues to disrespect you is that she may start toying with that same behavior. When you and she disagree, you can easily be discredited with, “You’re not my mother”. And if her mother is too blinded with her own desire to shun you, she may even encourage this behavior, which is such a disservice to the kid. The most effective tool I’ve seen stepmothers use is the ability to disengage. You are your husband’s wife. It’s your job to support him, but you are not his equal when dealing with his ex. If you wind up in the middle of trying times with his ex and his kid in the future, you risk the serenity of your own marriage. It’s not worth it. Good luck.

  2. I just want to say, things can improve. Her view of you can change. I have been at this 7 years- full time smom. In the beginning, BM hated me. Over time, 5 years see came to see I am not the evil stepmom trying to hurt her and take her child but rather, if she could get along with me it was better for everyone.

    My husband and her do not communicate any longer really. She calls me for everything. We are not friends, but we are friendly- and we do not stab each other in the back, especially to my stepson. We both respect the place we both have in his life. And working together is so much easier than not! We do not always agree, but instead of taking up arms to start WWIII we, calmly discuss things or give each other space to think things over before talking.

    Our relationship is not the out of the ordinary. Really, I see it more and more. But also, it did not happen overnight, it took a lot of time. Alot of honesty on my part, and alot of biting my tongue and showing I do what I do for my stepson- plain and simple. It wasn’t about me, her or my husband it was all about him. She finally saw it.

    In the past couple of years, her and I have laughed over our past moments of craziness. We have shared the emotions we both felt and what struck us so deeply to look at each other differently over time. Without saying it out loud, we have found a place where we both can respect each other and ourselves.

    So, can it change for you? Maybe. I never set my heart on wanting it to change though, i just prayed that maybe one day things would be different.

    Best of luck for you all!

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