Dear Dad’s Wife

My dad is my dad and always will be my dad. What about that don’t you get? You have a dad. Don’t you love him? Why are you so jealous when my dad and I spend time together? It’s not like he’s going to leave you. I’m his daughter. Not his wife. You’re his wife. I get that. I guess I’m more mature than you even though you’re supposed to be the adult. Offense intended. Grow up. Seriously.

Your Husband’s Daughter

~ by Jacquelyn Fletcher on January 14, 2009.

7 Responses to “Dear Dad’s Wife”

  1. If you don’t learn to accept your father’s wife, you are in for years of drama and chaos and fear and rage and insecurity and resentment and misery. Your mind will be filled with thoughts of her well past your childhood. Your self-esteem will suffer as you two battle over getting one up over the other. Successful relationships are based on mutual respect. You may not think she’s showing you respect. Chances are, she’d say the same about you. You can’t control her but you can control yourself. Show her respect and your life will be easier. Show her disrespect, and as long as she’s married to your father, you will lose. She’s his equal. You are not. You can try to break them up, but if you don’t succeed, your efforts will gain you total hell. Be a nice kid. You’ll turn into a nice person. Be a resentful kid and you could turn into a bitter person. That does not bode well for a peaceful life.

  2. Dear Daughter, it’s difficult to respond when one doesn’t know the whole story, but your situation is a common one with kids in a blended family. Try to realize that this is a difficult situation for your dad, and if you care about *him* you will try to make the situation the best it can be, for everyone. Your SM needs to do this too. You aren’t going to come between your dad and his wife any more than she is going to come between you and he, and the strife must be torturing him. Try to work it out.

  3. It’s difficult to be with someone you love 6 days a week. Live with them, breathe them in, make decisions together for the 7th day to be left out on a limb. To watch a child smirk because she has him not you. The 2 common things we share is this. We both love the same man and for part of out time together we are apart. You when you are not here and me when you are.
    Take care. x

  4. Being a stepdaughter and a stepmother I can so relate to what you wrote to your dad’s wife, and to the responses you’re getting. My take on it now is a little different. Seems to me jealousy is going to show up, as is insecurity and doubt and anger and frustration…how could those emotions not show up?! For anyone? I’ve learned that blaming doesn’t really help, and can make the situation worse. I’ve learned that having a way to somehow acknowledge those feelings when they arise can be helpful, as long as they aren’t indulged. And, I’ve learned that it doesn’t work at all to lecture or advise or tell a teenager (or any daughter) how she should act or feel when it comes to her dad! I hope that in time you can find a way to have less frustration and more enjoyment of all the people in your life, whether you would have chosen them or not. It took me a long time with my dad’s wife, and I’m glad for our relationship now.
    Most of all — I want to acknowledge you for writing your honest thoughts and feelings in a forum where you are going to get responses! You’ve got a lot of courage, and what you have to share is of value.
    I wish you all the best.

  5. You make me think of my husbands daughter. The problem is she is a grown woman who stopped at nothing to try to hurt our marriage. I was never jealous or insecure but was accused of being so. I reached out to her only to find she harbored years of resentment for something that never had anything to do with me. There is more to this story but I just wanted you to know, we now dont have a relationship with her. Be careful. There is only room for two in a marriage. I dont know how old you are but someday you will know this to be true when you marry.

  6. I am a dad dealing with a teen daughter with similar feelings right now. I stumbled across this website trying to find ways to understand where her emotions come from and what she might be feeling as she does not communicate with my wife and I very well.I don’t believe that she would intentionally try to hurt our marriage, in fact, her recent outcry has caused us to take a closer look at how we are as parents/step-parents to see what we can do better. I struggle to communicate with my daughter and use this great website to help guide me in this effort.

  7. I think this is so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing this feeling. I am a new Stepmom and I will keep it in mind and watch out for my own ugly jealousy if it crops up.

    Sometimes a new Stepmom desperately wants to be part of the family and can feel a bit left out if she is in the vicinity. Maybe she wants to help the family come together and wants to be the glue.

    If you want some alone time with your Dad, ask him to do something away from her with just the two of you. Otherwise, she will maybe always be hovering around trying to be involved with you both. This can look like jealousy or competeing for his attention but it might not be what it looks.

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