To My Stepson’s Mother

I have written so many letters to you in the last six years. Since my husband and I were married and I became your son’s dad’s new wife (because you REFUSE to acknowledge that I am so much more than that, I am his step mom who is more of a mother to him than you could ever dream of being. Actually, I believe those were the exact words that my husband told you days before you decided to take him to court for full custody rather than the shared parenting plan that was in place long before I ever came along. But anyway). I have had so many things that I have wanted to tell you. So many questions that I have wanted to ask you. So many names that I have wanted to call you. But all along, I have had too much to lose in being honest with you. In telling you how I really feel about you. So I keep my mouth shut and just love your son with everything I have when he is in our home and pray for him when he is in yours. But now… Here is my chance to lay it all out on the line.

I think you are a crappy mom! I think that you are completely incapable of being a real mother because a real mother would NEVER allow a man (husband or not) to beat her child. A real mother wouldn’t disappear for months at a time. A real mother would put her child and his education first not keep him home from school because you are too lazy to get out of bed. A real mother would ENcourage a relationship between her child and his father not DIScourage by all means possible. A real mother would not have t lie in court to try to maintain a shared parenting plan. Especially in the state of Ohio because Ohio is a “woman’s state” and even the courts find that my husband and I are deserving of just as much time with your son as you and your husband are. A real mother wouldn’t bad mouth her son’s father  to her son. A real mother wouldn’t brainwash and bribe her 8 year old son to lie in court. A real mother wouldn’t withdraw her child from school without talking it over with his father only to call my husband (his father) later in the day to turn over her residential parent rights. A real mother would fight for her child until the end of time… but you don’t. And you don’t because deep down you know my husband and I are a far better and safer environment for him. You know that you are a piss poor person who doesn’t even know her son’s favorite color, or favorite meal, or best friend’s name, or his doctor’s name, or his dentist’s name, or who his kindergarten teacher was. You are a selfish individual who rushed to get pregnant months after you found out that my husband and I were pregnant. And then even more selfishly, had another one only 13 months later. You had 2 four month old babies at home, pregnant with another one and get busted for DUI! Really? Who does that? You apparently.

And all this time, we try to convince an 8 year old little  boy who tells us that you don’t care about him, that you do. And that you love the little bit of time that you spend with him. And that he really is the most important thing in your life. Well guess what. I am done lying to him for your benefit. I am done convincing him that you are a kind person and that you should always love your mother. Because I love your son and love my husband, I have always been there to support them emotionally, financially, spiritually. But no more. I am detaching from this entire situation.  Sure it will be hard.

Hard because all of the evidence that has been brought against you in the last 6 years, all of the photographs, and police reports, and foreclosure reports, and welfare fraud charges… Those were ALL me.  No, it wasn’t your neighbor who reported you… It was ME! And no it wasn’t your little skank crew that turned their backs on you (although the timing couldn’t have been any better)… It was ME. I have gathered, organized, and presented that entire file box of documentation on your son and my husband’s behalf. All of the e-mails to the teachers, the gifts from Ethan, the supplies for the school parties… those were ME too.  But no more. You want the responsibility? You want to get in court and lie and turn on your tears (I guess even high school dropouts who can’t seem to pass the GED exam learn how to cry on demand) to try to convince the judge that you really do love him. Your husband wants to get in court and lie about “disciplining” (and just because the judge did not find it justifiable for a domestic violence charge – thanks in part to your brainwashing of your son – does not mean that beating your son with a shoe and belts leaving severe bruising is discipline). You want to promise your son bunk beds, gaming systems, and trips to chucky cheese to lie in court? He will be just like you. You are raising him to be another low life, system dwelling, slug which drain society of benefits for people who really aren’t capable of working.  He already feels entitled, but know that all of that will be ending in our home. I am done sending in gifts for teachers on his behalf – your turn. Also, snack bags and party supplies? Your turn again. School fees? Your turn. School Clothes? Your turn. 4 wheelers? Your turn. New shoes? Your turn. Homework? Your turn. Bake sales? Your turn. Football practices? Your turn. Saturday morning games? Your turn. Basketball? Your turn. School conferences? Your turn. Karate? All YOU! Lunch Money? YOU again. As a matter of fact, what don’t you take the funds for all of these responsibilities out of the child support that my husband has been paying for years on top of what we already provide for YOUR SON! Take it from the child support that my husband continued to pay while you disappeared for 14 months after dropping your son off to us on a Friday night and signing over your residential rights. Hell, feel free to take it out of the money you get paid under the table while you collect food stamps, WIC, and Medicaid for all 4 of the children that you claim, even though 1 resides with us and we have him covered on our medical, dental, and vision insurance. But now that I have reported it for the 4th time, you might now have that for much longer either. At least until you figure out a way to get it back again. I don’t really care how you pay for anything anymore, because I know I won’t be providing for anyone besides me and my own from this moment forward. You know, mine, who has been forced to endure what no four year old should have to endure. A mom and a dad who are so wrapped up in getting custody of YOUR son, we have put her on the back burner. NO MORE! I am done, I am over it! And I am over you! You will face your maker one day, be sure to tell the devil I said hey when you get back to where you came from! PEACE!

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~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on March 30, 2011.

11 Responses to “To My Stepson’s Mother”

  1. So sad that your anger is going to hurt the little Boy you claim to love so much. So sad that because his mom is a loser he will no doubt go without because you are done. You’ll probably meet her same maker and be able to say HEY yourself.

  2. Wow, amommyandexwife, did you really just say that? Unbelievable.

  3. Ya I did. She claims to love him so much but her anger and hatred for his biological mother is going to make her walk away from him. He probably needs her more than anything, she claims to be the one stable person in his life and instea of continuing to love and provide and be there for him in a way that his own mother won’t be there is very selfish. My daughter’s father is also a loser and my husband provides for her and loves her unconditionally — he would never walk away from her because her father never steps up to the plate.

  4. Your judgmental attitude on this site is getting really old. People don’t come here to be judged and chastised.

  5. I’ve been thinking about this a lot more. amommyandanexwife, have you ever considered that maybe attitudes and judgment like yours actually contribute to the problem? That walking away from reading your comments the writer may have felt even more isolated, frustrated, and misunderstood? Which may in turn have made her anger with a situation that had nothing to do with you, even worse?

    The thing is, I would have respected and appreciated both your opinion (because I see your compassion for the little boy here) and your position as a Mommy and an Ex-Wife had you said something along the lines of “wow, that must be really hard, on that boy and on you. I am a mom and I can’t even imagine treating my child that way. Poor guy. Have you thought about trying such and such, or doing this or that? I hope posting your thoughts here makes you feel better so that you can continue to be the person that boy needs you to be. I encourage you to keep stepping up to the plate FOR HIM!” ….something like that would have served to build her up and maybe would have encouraged her to keep on “keeping on”, instead of tearing her down by insinuating she’s going to rot in hell the way you did. How does criticizing her help the little boy you profess to be so concerned for?

    Have you considered that your message and your opinion would be much better received and actually might serve to help someone if you turned your phrasing around from attacking, to encouraging? Whether you agree with the person posting or not, there’s always some way to say what’s on your mind in a positive way, to turn it around, without resorting to negativity. And if there’s not a way to make it positive, well, our grandparents (at least mine) taught us that age-old adage “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” for a reason. It’s a cliche for a reason: it’s a fundamental principle of being a human being that we all need and respond to encouragement from one another.

    We live in a sometimes-terrible world full of wars and natural disasters. We here on this site live in our own sometimes-terrible micro-worlds of divorce, custody disputes, broken hearts, hurting children and adults. The last thing we need–ANY of us–moms, stepmoms, dads, steps of any kind, is more judgment, criticism, and unkindness towards one another. This world and our little tiny worlds within are in need of MORE kindness, compassion, a little understanding, and a LOT of encouragement.

  6. Point taken.

  7. Perhaps my statements were misunderstood. I would never walk away from HIM. I just can’t continue to go above and beyond in a role that his mother and father should be taking on. I have a child of my own whose needs I have to meet. I appreciate your opinion, and perhaps you are correct. Maybe I am not handling the best way, or the way you would, but I am handling the way that is best for me and my family. Your understanding is much appreciated as I am sure you didn’t mean to sound as judgemental as your post was. (I mean being the first to cast a stone and all).

  8. It must be so dreadfully difficult for you. I hope you can pull yourself out of this and that maybe your DSS’s biomom will, in her turn, pull her head out of her butt and realize what is happening around her. Hope springs eternal, right? We’re all pulling for you, OP. Best of luck to you and your family.

  9. I completely understand. I have been helping to raise my stepsons only to be the bad guy when I and their father are the ones that provide the unconditional love and support they need to thrive only to get sh*t on when the biological mom vents her fears and lies about us to the boys. It is a horrible feeling. I will say that it will probably get worse as your stepson gets older as his mom can’t rely on his age anymore. -OR- your stepson will see his mom is not the best thing for him and decide not to listen to her. The best advice I can give you is hang in there and just continue being “mommy” for him. He will see you have dont that for him as he ages and that will be your reward! Good luck!!!!!

  10. Amen W!!!

  11. i just had to say how happy it made to me read this…I find myself feeling guilty sometimes because I realize that I am more of a mother to my boyfriends 5 year old than his biological mother ever has been…I have studied early childhood education and have workerd in the field so not only can I apply what I know in a practical manner at the very least..i can LOVE him and give him what he needs..to be nurtured, to be paid attention to…to encourage and be taught and cuddled and given the proper discipline and have someone be an example for him and put HIM FIRST! i have wanted to call is biological mother out on so much…from the stuff she tells me about calling the cops when she fiths with her man and the kids wake up cause shes screaming cause she’s in a headlock, or when I notice he’s wearing the same undies and socks he was wearing when i sent him home four days before…or when he tells me that his mommys boyfriend is mean to him adn he just wants to play video games and not play trains or superheros with his girlfriends kids…it fills me with anger, it fills me with fear it makes me feel guilty for thinking thoughts like “i am so much better of a mother” or “she’s gonna screw this kid up whch is just gonna cause him to be a stress onnmy relationship with his dad further down the line” it is a tough position guys and gals! and we can only take so much…i also have been taken for a ride financially..being expected to pay for schooll events, bday parties, etc and no problem! we do it cause we love the child. But we also know the underlying circumstances behind why we are footing the bill…and being human, we build resentments!! *sigh* i feel more normal now…

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