To my husband’s ex-wife

You no longer hold all of the cards and the sooner you realize this the happier we are all going to be.  Just because you were married to my husband prior to me does not mean that you have some special place in his heart, his life or his family’s lives.  You are the mother of his daughter, but that does not entitle you to control of our home or our finances.  So for the love of God and the peaceful well being of your child stop!

Your behavior is ridiculous and juvenile.  I can’t fathom how a 45 year old woman can act like this.  Ironically you justify yourself by claiming to be acting in the best interest of your child.  This seriously could not be further from the truth.  Your daughter is a beautiful little girl who has the ability to become an amazing adult.

She is smart, healthy and unnervingly perceptive.  I truly believe you love your daughter, but your behavior borders on abuse.  You cannot tell your daughter that her father is a liar and a thief, rehashing your version of how he came into possession of your wedding and engagement rings.  Even if your version were the truth (which it is not) why would you choose to have your daughter think of her father in that way?  As a mother of two daughters (22 & 15) I can assure you that a father’s role in his daughter’s life is very important.  I am very proud and thankful that my ex and I put our own disagreements aside and focus on our mutual concern for our children.  We don’t always agree but respect one another and support each other as parents.  I don’t feel the need to burden my children with past disagreements or recent issues.  These things are not something they need to be aware of or involved in.  Your wanting to move back to Connecticut is your own concern, stop telling your seven year old that you’re sad because you want to be with your mommy and that her daddy won’t let you go.  Don’t lie to her and tell her that if you did move, she would still see her daddy all the time, because you know this isn’t the truth.  With over 1500 miles between the states and with the assumption you would be working (ha!) this could not happen regularly and your finances, unless you have recently won the lottery, would not support that amount of travel.  Do you know that IF you did move that all or most of the travel expense would be your responsibility?  And while we’re on the inappropriate behavior, sweet JESUS woman stop dating every Tom, Dick and Harry and introducing them to your daughter!  Oh and although she doesn’t get it yet, soon she’s going to know that your so called ‘sleep-over’s’ are a thinly veiled attempt to hide the fact that your screwing all of them.  You are the parent with which she resides and as such you don’t have as much free time, but this doesn’t excuse you from bringing all of these men into her life.  She’s growing up thinking promiscuity is perfectly normal.

You walked into your marriage with virtually nothing to your name except debt and bad credit, not that I’m criticizing you for those circumstances because I realize that these things could have been out of your control.  But you left your three year marriage with no debt, $250K, and almost $900 a month in child support.  As far as I can tell you contributed nothing to your marriage aside from the debt ($120K) you racked up on my now husband’s credit cards and you never worked from the time you got engaged.  You took some of that money and bought a brand new home in a notoriously shady neighborhood, without any thought to the upcoming schools your daughter would be attending.  You had to have a brand new home.  My husband paid for a private school for the first two years in an effort to give her an opportunity to be a good learning environment.

You have none of the money left, nothing invested, and you owe much more than your home is worth or will probably ever be worth again.  Your daughter is growing up in a neighborhood that has had two murders in the last year, what in GOD’s name were you thinking?

You are constantly berating my husband about what a poor father he is and how he needs to step up to the plate.  But what are you bringing to it?  My husband’s company is all but defunct, as the construction industry is in the toilet.  The business does not pay nor can it pay for health insurance for its employees, but we recognize the need for her to have it so I put her on mine and now she also has dental insurance.  He has continued to pay child support that he cannot afford and now that he has requested to have it reduced, you’re fighting it tooth and nail.  He has paid for most if not all of her school clothing, supplies, and shoes.  Up until last year he paid for after school care even though he didn’t have to.  He drives 45 minutes up and back just to get her and then does the same thing on Monday morning to drop her off at school or your house.  This to me doesn’t sound like a man who doesn’t care or isn’t stepping up to the plate.  I have heard him get angry with you, heard you both exchange verbal insults, I don’t agree with this but I can see where his frustration with you overrides good sense.

I could go on and on about your passive aggressive behavior, your attempt to keep your daughter from our wedding, your success is delaying our honeymoon and costing us additional plane fare but I am weary from the memories of all of it.  I just want it to stop.  I want you to stop.  I want to be able to love my husband, my children and your daughter.  I want you to grow up and accept that he can’t give you the same amount of child support or pay for EVERYTHING she needs.  You’re going to have to shoulder some of the cost as well.  I want you to stop treating her as a friend and confidant, she’s not those things, she is your child and should have the luxury of being one.  I want you to quit saying awful things about her daddy to her…she’s a little parrot at this age and repeats these things to teachers, family and friends.  Most of all I don’t want her to be a mess from all of this.

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~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on August 18, 2010.

4 Responses to “To my husband’s ex-wife”

  1. You walked into your marriage with virtually nothing to your name except debt and bad credit, not that I’m criticizing you for those circumstances because I realize that these things could have been out of your control.

  2. thank you, thank you, thank you, for writing this. I’m glad I’m not the only one out there dealing with this situation. In preparing to be the “new wife”, I’m finding myself dealing with a mess of an ex-wife situation, which sounds almost identical to yours. His ex moved in with her mother, in a shady part of town. His ex-wife allows ex-convicts to babysit (not an exaggeration), because it’s cheaper than daycare, openly admitted that all she cares about is the child support check, puts a $900 radio in her car when the kids are in dirty, stained, outgrown clothes. They eat fast food because she is too lazy to cook. They’re always sick.

    Why? Because she’s angry. She’s angry at herself for getting pregnant on purpose so she could latch onto the gravy train. She’s angry that their marriage was a joke, that it didn’t end well, and that he’s moved on and we’re happier as a couple than they ever were. She’s angry that now she has to work, when she grew too accustomed to being the lazy wealthy stay-at-home mom. She’s already started on her second set of kids with her boyfriend. God help them.

    What’s the most frustrating part? Our hands are tied. Regardless of what she does, how she treats the children, how she uses them as pawns in her sick mind games, she birthed them, and in the state’s eyes, has free reign to do as she pleases.

  3. Wow, I think our husbands ex-wives must be related. It amazes and appalls me to know that these women really only think of the themselves. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, my step kids are now teenagers. I’m very close with my step daughter and her mom is very unhappy about it. My step daughter chose to live with us last year, and her mom is still fighting us on it. It’s honestly to the point that my step daughter doesn’t even want to go to her mom’s for visits anymore. the entire time she’s there her mom talks about how my husband abandoned them leaving her to raise her kids alone. We had 5 years of family court in order to enforce our visitation rights.. we pay nearly a grand a month in support.. plus took out a line of credit to help her buy another car when she cracked up her last one and didn’t get enough insurance money to replace it. Today she actually called to try and say that we had to pick my step daughter up from her visit because she didn’t feel like driving her. When I told her that my husband has plans and that she’s is going to have to drive she began telling me that my husband should step up and pay more support sot hat she can afford to drive her home. Then proceeded to tell me that my husband had better be home by 6 tonight, because he shouldn’t be out on a friday, he should be spending time alone with his daughter. My daughter and my husbands daughter are best friend, and the ex wife won’t even let her on msn to talk to my daughter.. because she’s not family and that my step daughter needs to quit being selfish and quit abandoning her family and move back with her mom. Then she can get child support for her, and life will be better. This poor girl is 13!! Then to make matters worse, when I picked up my step daughter last week to bring her home @ 1 in the morning because mom didn’t want to drive her again. We had to stop and get her something to eat. All she’d had to eat that day was a bag of crackers and they’d had KD everynight that week but 1. The one night they didn’t, my step daughter took some of the money I gave her for her birthday to buy pizza for everyone because she was tired of eating KD.

  4. Interesting. I am a first wife, and my ex’s second wife (with whom he had an affair) feels similarly. Although she knows nothing about me except for what his family and he have told her (which, of course, is nothing but negative), she (as my 9 year old tells me) “hates” me.

    She, after knowing my children for 7 days, started sleeping over at my then-husbands “new” home (with our children in their bed). Of course, now that they are married, all that is in the past…if I would just “make nice,” everyone would have a very happy life…despite the fact that my ex refuses to provide insurance cards, keeps switching homes and jobs, and doesn’t spend time with his children when he DOES have them (no, he takes his new wife out to ball games, overnight parties, etc. and drops our kids off at his parents’ house).

    Sure, I should just smile and be happy for everyone….despite them making fun of our children TO our children, their “other” kids doing so as well, and their insistence that wife #2 is their “new” mommy because, after all, it’s “great to have a backup..”

    1st wives – we’re not all awful (and, if we appear so, we MAY have reasons)…2nd wives? you’re not all wonderful (despite the amazing show some may put on to “snag” a husband).

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