To My Ex-Husband

Such a lovely new life you have. A new wife, new dogs, two new children. A new place to call home. Even a new car, new clothes.

A new look. (Was the rapid weight gain because she’s also a bit heavy?)

A new habit. (How did you go from rarely smoking to a pack a day in two months flat?)

It’s as if the old you is gone forever. It’s as if you made up your mind to become someone new, and you never looked back.

I resent your forcing your new life on our daughter. Less than a week after I knew of your infidelity and asked you to move out, you took our daughter out to dinner with your new love. And you introduced our daughter to your new love as, well, your new love! How wise of you to do that. The icing on the cake was when you told her not to tell me. (Did you really think that she wouldn’t tell me?)

It has been 7 years since we separated. So much water has gone under the bridge. And yet. Still. You don’t get it.

You don’t understand that I will never respect your now-wife because at one time she was merely your mistress. You don’t understand that I judge you for never calling our daughter, and you can’t regain that respect. You don’t understand that I don’t respect you because you still, after all these years, lie to me over the pettiest things.

I’ve heard what you said about me. I’ve heard the spin that you put on our story. Your parents, ministers of the gospel, stood in front of hundreds of people in order to stop the rumors. They lied about what happened. Bold-faced, made-up lies. Fiction. They defamed me and accused me, and said you were doing everything you could for our daughter. And they welcomed your new wife, who wasn’t even so much as a live-in girlfriend of a few months at the time, into your family with loving arms. While they never called me to find out if I was ok. Or if their granddaughter was ok.

I know people think I am cruel, controlling, and heartless. That I turned you away despite your pleas to stay with our marriage. I know that people think I am sarcastic and proud and over-confident. I know that they think I did these things to hurt you. I know that they think I am hurting our daughter because of they way I treat you. It would be easy to believe; afterall, isn’t that the truth about every ex-wife?

The problem is, what they know is lies. It’s all lies. Any one of my true friends, the ones who bothered to call me and find out how I was doing when you left, they know a completely different story. The true story.

So you and your wife can tell whatever story you want of the past. Just know you are living in lies. And you have a daughter, my daughter, who watches you perpetuate those lies over and over and over and over and over and….

best of luck to you in the future,
the first woman you promised you would be true to

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~ by Stepfamily Letter Project on January 24, 2009.

6 Responses to “To My Ex-Husband”

  1. Wow–what a brave project.

  2. This is amazing! Some of these men skip lives like flavors of ice
    cream and flip it to make us out to be the dogs. As women we take out time to find love after old relationships. They, on the otherhand, start over without any consideration to others(kids). There best defense is to put it all of someone who they know has a right to be damn mad (you) because that same anger looks like jealousy and it’s not. Just wait until he does her the same way!

  3. Yes, I’m still up on it I made a few type “O”‘s Their, and on someone…. HAHA HA enjoy your memorial day hamburger girl!

    ( for the nosey ex to see)

  4. Your letter is very similar (95%) to my life (unfortunately). As mother’s going through a divorce we do what is right for our children-men worry about what is best for their lower half. I thought after 3 years things would be better, my ex remarried right away and that brings a stepmonster and her two children in my life. Kids are similar ages and somehow I know am like another Mom to her girls-something I did not want to sign up for, but all has to be “fair” to each child so I always ask if they need a ride etc. because I have been accused many times for leaving her 2 children out. I am lucky her daughters are good girls but I want did not want 2 add’l children-I would have married by now if that is what I wanted. He has alot of money-I think the one with more money always wins-not the one who is trying to do the right thing for the kids. I was miserable but maybe should have stayed married and gotten kids through highschool-I now know exactly why marriages stay together for this reason! Can’t wait till my kids old enough to make their own decisions-in the end I will “win” because my kids will know I made decisions based on love-not about buying my kids love!

  5. Again, I have also lived a very similar situation… but I have worked very hard to take the high road. I told my daughters that if their dad loved his soon to be new wife, then I would too because we are still a family and pieces of paper don’t change that. I am NOT in love with ex, but I do love him like you would love and worry about a brother or cousin. You want their life to go well and if they make bad choices, you pray for them and hope it all turns out ok.

    I really think this is the best you can do in this situation. You will never win by putting your ex on the defensive about his new love. He will choose the new love over you (he already did) and the kids. It is best (as hard as it is to swallow) to accept the new person with open arms and a smile (even if they don’t treat you in kind). You are always, always better taking the high road.

    There is no justice (so to speak) on this earth for men who leave their families and put so much above their priority of being a parent. But, then again… justice is not for the first wife to merit out. That would be more like revenge. The best revenge is a life well lived. That means, show your children, show your ex, show his new love what rral love and class is. We must always follow the golden rule and treat others as we would like to be treated, even if we don’t they they deserve that. Justice is not ours to dole. The only thing we can and should do is the best we can and be the best person possible. The rest is for a greater power (or karma or whatever you beleive to be the ultimate) to do as they see fit.

  6. We live in a different world than our parents did. I couldn’t imagine ever finding a man that is 100% trust worthy. I have never met one that came close, that is why I never married. I have met many who are good at talking, like a fox, and I see them fool others, but they can’t fool me, usually. My last boyfriend told me about 50 times a day that he loved me and showed alot of tenderness, but I think he was just a child telling his mother,”thank you for being there for me and paying me so much attention”. Sometimes when we made love, he would look at me with so much love in his eyes, other times his eyes were closed and I wondered who he was thinking of or imagining. The truth is, after a while, I did the same when I closed my eyes. Infidelity is contagious in the mind.

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